Inevitable Death

As I enter my domain, their voices are still lingering in my head. The pressure is so intense my head felt like cracking off. Unforgivable words, words that can only be said with too much anger. What was possibly the worst thing that I ever did in this world? Nothing... The only I can think of is that I existed in this world. But that was not my fault, they were the ones that should be persecuted... the people who brought me in this damn and crazy world. Why is it that suddenly I’m the one who suffer from their insanity?

Then a burst of tears escaped in my eyes. What can I do but only to shed tears? This was my only defense against them, my army of tears who fought with me side by side. I didn’t show them that I cried and they will never see me like this. In front of everyone I am a cold as an ice. They think their words never penetrated my soul but the truth is I don’t have a soul anymore, the dignity and pride that I had was torn apart into pieces within me.

I feel safe for now because I’m in my realm… in my room. In here I am the Lord. The only place that no one can insult and push me off the edge. In my saddest and darkness moments only the four walls of my room were the witnesses of my suffering. If they could only talk, they would not find any words that can comfort me. And there is my window that gave me light and a little hope that each day would be a better day for me.

But tonight is totally different, it’s like my sanity is fading away. This is my lowest point. And I can’t take it anymore and I can’t think straight, my dreams are shattered and crushed. So weak to control my hand as it grabs the knife in the table. And it stubs my neck and it cut so deep that life inside me is pouring out. My body is trembling and the rhythm of my heart is in a rush. I can feel the coldness starting to devour me. The pain so intense and its getting to my nerves. My breathing is so heavy thinking this is my last minute of my life. In every drop of blood, I stare at it looking for answers. Is this really the answer? Is this the end of my sadness and sufferings? Is this the last pain I will ever feel? All I can see now is pitch black as I gasp for a few breaths. But suddenly a face starting to appear in my mind, the only face that I ever loved. A love that is pure and unconditional, that only magic spells and potions can separate us like in fairy tales. Quickly I open my eyes and trying to move and save myself. But its too late, I’m in a pool of blood. I can’t hear my heart beat anymore and I take my last deep breath trying to shout “God, why me? Is this the price of being true to myself and fall in love?”

Deafening sounds wake me up. I sigh. It’s a relief that its only dream... a worst one. Looking at the empty space, I realize the reason why I’m facing all this battles in my life. And other problems were pilled up and magnified because of it. Even my family condemned me because of the monster inside of me and my friends turn their backs on me. I thought they were my true friends and will understand me. But I was wrong; there are no such things as true friends. They were all bunch of hypocrites.

I gave you all and the things that the world can offer. But you leave me with an empty plate. And where are you now? I can't feel your presence anymore. If I could only turn back the time when I'm with you and that special moment that our bodies became one. Mixed emotions overflowed inside of me but the passion calmed it down. But not that darkest day, the day when I learned your true color and for us it will never be the same again. Reality really bites so hard. On that moment heaven and earth began to collide. I even saw time stopped and the humiliation lurking around me. The dreams that I built for us came tumble and fall. You pulled a biggest masquerade show in front of me. I know I made a mistake of loving you. If only I didn’t unleash the monster, it will not be this way. I tamed the beast for many years but the first time I saw you, Lad. It goes wild and out of control. But what can I do? I got an odd side of me.

I stood up and it’s like I’m looking for something. Then a figure of a man catches my attention. He’s sitting on the corner but I recognize his face. Slowly I walk towards him, he’s not moving and his clothes are full of blood. Still wondering who this man is, he is so familiar. He looks like me. No… It is me.