The moonlight filters across the water,
haunting yet inviting
With one touch, a shiver passes through me
Do i dare? Is it worth it?
Slip, fall into the depths of my nightmare,
Grasp, reach for existence,
I have sacrificed my life for the taking,
So calming, so soothing, should i let myself fall?
My existence is no longer in my control
With out a fight i fall, sinking into nothingness,
Let me go this time,
I am not worth it.
Author notes
one i wrote for a class
A contest entry
- "The Artist's Muse Can Be Demonic" by Auburn Sunrise.
1900 points, ended September 20, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Nothing Boring by cali951.
500 points, ended December 3, 2007, 104 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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stunning
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Beautiful defeat.
I love the tone of resignation to this piece. Many of my favorite songs have that same "this is gentle end" quality. I can tell that you are a musician/lyricist when reading your poems, because you have a natural rhythm from line to line.
Awesome. -
Nice piece,very well thought out...
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I like it
In the second stanza, I don't like the repeated use of "life"... I'm not sure why, but it bothers me. I think you could find a better word to take the place of one of those. Check a Thesaurus for help!
I really do enjoy your thought-action oriented piece here. Everything is contemplated, acted out in the mind.
I love the soothing nature of it as well. Reminds me of a passage from "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath, where she talks about how soothing it would be to slit your wrists in a bathtub full of warm water... to sink of into nothingness in that fluid calm.
Well done! Thank you for entering!
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thank you, i will change it, again thank you
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I think in the first few lines, was the word supposed to be perhaps haunting? This was a great piece but I think it could have been longer
Thank you for taking the time to enter your favourite prewrite in this contest, I wish you the very best of luck
Karen -
Very impressive writing, poet...it is blanketed with sadness and very dark tones...I could almost feel the water consuming me...
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B+
Great imagery. I wish it were just a tad longer, so that the story evolved a bit more. This poem is one that I would cherish, for it is a type that is most difficult to write. You captured emotion, and the ending, the ending is perfect. -
beautiful concept I love the imagery. I can imagine falling into a silvery pool of a nightmarish death. somewhat of a take on drowning by the way i interpret it. My most recent poem is a take on drowning. quite a wide open subject i think. one can interpret the feeling as one wishes as it goes with many other elemental things.
The only improvment I could suggest would be to check your spelling. Most of the time typos are unintentional but going back is always the best thing to do because it helps to prevent a potential stumble for your audience as they read it. Helps to keep the flow going so to speak.
~Sorrow~
PS thanks for your comment on my poem Heaven Bound On A Guillotine. -
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i really appreciated that comment, thank you,
and took your advice and fixed the spelling,..that's not my strong point haha,
thank you again
x0x
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are u sure? this is put together rather nicely. i lie it because it represents how we all feel at some point in time. but i ask one more time, are u sure u aren't worth it? great write.
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