You've been wachin'
Your feet move
For so many years,
You've forgotten
That there's
A world out there.
You've been swallowing
Your brilliant words
And blinking back
Your tears,
Shooting through
School hallways
With a bowed head
And a pocket full
Of apologies.
Now, lift up
Your eyes, child
And look around -
You're free.
Raise your voice,
Throw up your hands
And run , because
While you were staring
At the ground,
You became
Beautiful.
A contest entry
- It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory. by daisygoose.
525 points, ended September 5, 2007, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
This is such a sweet poem, very delicate and touching. I like your look at chage - the outsider's view is often different to the subject's. I feel that the second half moves more strongly than the first and is therefore more moving.
I don't really see the relevance of using watchin' in the first line rather than the word in full and think that perhaps altering the begining slightly would help it lead more elegantly to a tome similar to that of the end in terms of rhythm. because i really do like the second half and especially the closing 4 lines and the way the word 'beautiful' sits well on its own and is thus emphasised.
thanks for entering
-
-
I definitely agree. I was going for a different feel initially, but then it decided to run away...I plan on editing it before the contest closes.
-
-
wow
This was a great poem! I love the flow of the words! It perfectly describes the art of dancing and how it makes people feel beautiful. Dancing is just like moving like a swan, which I think that is a great comparison. My favorite lines would have to be "You became, Beautiful". Good luck writing in the future!
Peace To You
~Bethany~
Adding your comment:
