The Catalyst

For a time I thought I was lost,
And indeed I was.
But now I’ve found you
You brought me here.
You brought me to this haven.
This safe place for refuge,
Surrounded with people,
Safe to be with.
You gave me safety,
And a chance to live again.
But now you’ve decided to go away
And none of us know why.
I truly thought I’d found the place,
The place where I belong.
Can it be I’ve misjudged again,
Am I still wrong?
Many times have I thought I’d won,
And then found I’d lost.
Is this yet another time,
When all my dreams are false?
For months now my wings were free,
Flying through the air.
I thought that all was well with us,
As friends we all were.
But now I see the strings attached,
pulling me away.
I feel as though I’m flying apart,
No longer part of the flock.
I turn to see you separating,
None with another.
What has happened to our flock?
Where has our protection gone?
This haven seems to be falling apart.
What are we to do?
I’m afraid of what has become of us,
More so for what has become of me.
Separated from all others,
Left alone again.
I remember walking into this place,
And seeing friendly faces.
Yet, now those faces seem so dark,
Twisted and angry at me.
You were all so peaceful
Long before I entered the fold.
Now I find this peace is lost
Is it because of me?
Too many times has this occurred,
When groups are fine together.
But when mixed with me,
I seem to make others show their enmity.

Am I now the catalyst,
A person meant to destroy,
Versus to give heart?
I once thought that I was kind,
Gentle and nice to many.
But could it be that I am there to break others instead?
Why is that wherever I go,
Disaster follows me.
Few fight before I come,
What’s left is catastrophe.
For years now,
I find myself in this lasting position.
I come as friend,
And leave alone,
As do many others.
I thought that it was finally right,
I had never felt so good.
Could it be this is meant
As the worst of all my past?
I wanted everything to come out right and nice for all.
I wanted to have friends and a place for us to be happy.
Yet now it seems my dream has failed,
As it had so many times before.
And still I wonder was it I,
Or some other nearby.

My friends are leaving,
Moving apart,
Leaving me without a guard.
I try to follow,
But truly find I cannot fly fast enough.
I feel lost from them all,
Apart and all alone.
Yet still they talk and mingle with me,
And yet it isn’t the same.
Some part of them has left from me,
And I from them.
Is it me who’s meant to be
the catalyst to all?


For years, I’ve found few stay together,
After I join a group.
And each situation is close to the same,
But is it me causing it?
Am I just destined to live a life without friends or guides?
Am I just left without knowing a smile or wave goodbye?
I feel kind of empty,
Numb and unable to grieve.
I feel lost inside a shell,
Twisting round and round.
What shall I do with out you,
Those who I call friends?
Its you I care for,
And you I miss,
Yet what am I to do?
I miss our group,
Everyday,
And what we did together.
The laughter’s there,
But now is empty,
Full of our sorrow.
I’m trying so hard to pull us back,
Yet too many fight my pull.
I can’t be the string holding us together,
But without me we’re lost.
I push and push for us to talk,
To find that catalyst.
But as I push the more I fear
that it is I causing the rift.

I hope to God we can pull ourselves back together,
But as I look I see us going down a separate path.
Not one or two or three or four but five times has this happened,
That one group of friends all splits apart a year since I had joined.
I fear that I will find again this pattern to occur.
You were there right beside me many times last year.
Yet now I’m no longer sure you are
My strength for when I’m falling.
I fear that you no longer want me,
Despite how much you’ve said.
I’ve broken your heart and fought with your friend,
And yet still you say you’ll stay with me.
Can I trust you to that?
Or will I fall again?
Your friend and mine is pushing me out,
Yet you fight to keep me in.

Another friend is leaving us,
To stressed by other problems.
It seems he cannot deal with ours,
On top of his alone.
Yet two of you are close together,
Wanting to keep it a group.
I’m trying so hard
but one of you seems to push me away.
The other has promised as long as I wish to be friends,
You will never push me away and keep our friendship going.
But  the way things are looking,
Can it be true?
You all still want me around?
I see you fight amongst yourselves,
With me left in the middle.
This brings me again to my question,
Am I just a catalyst?
Am I there to bring you down,
Without knowing I am?
Am I just meant to cause heartbreak in all those who accept me?
Or is there something I’m doing wrong,
That I’m being punished for?
I’m lost and confused,
And need to understand,
What is going on.
No one will tell me,
And those that will cannot.
For those what would,
I am the problem,
And not one that I can fix.
I’ve tried and tried to fix this problem,
But still it persists.
And yet I still find no answer to my question,
Am I the catalyst?
And someday soon maybe it’ll come,
And hopefully with us still around.
I’ll miss this group more than the rest,
If we should grow apart.
I won’t have any to be my support,
But I’ll always remember you guys.
I pray to God we’ll stay together,
and work out our problems,
and someday answer my question:
Am I the catalyst?