In the shadow rests the morning light
As nocturnal creatures stir the mist
Carousing in harmony with the somber night
We imagine what we cannot see
Searching in the peaceful land
Across cyan waters bathing eternity
In the darkness lies the truth
Our journey traveled through time
Penetrating wisdom gathered from youth
When our ship arrives to the faraway land
Blinding light will cast a hue
Through tattered trees in sand
Traveling through our last pain
As night vermin sleep in hidden burrows
Our body dies through soulful reign
A contest entry
- Personal Artwork Series #03 by sheltered.
600 points, ended August 24, 2007, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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I love this...
this is a beautiful poem in structure and in the way that it is worded and in sentiment...
I love:
"Penetrating wisdom gathered from youth"
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Thank you, Ellipsist. Your visit, comments and clappies are much appreciated.
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I was wrong. This is better the way it is. Glad you never listened to me... lol
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Hahaha! I listened, then got distracted... a major hazard of mine.
Thanks so much for the inspiration to write and the silver and your honest comments.
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I can still pick it apart now but really there's not a lot. The whole rhythm/beat is the major issue. I would drop the 'S' on rests to begin with. Drop the word 'as'... I could go on but basically tighten it up. Drop unnessesary words and make it flow more.. like a song.
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took the "s" off shadows, though, instead of rests, as the morning light rests is the correct word usage.
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I agree, I think it's choppy and doesn't flow well, especially stanza to stanza. Will try and work on that. Thanks!
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This is kinda cool but i'm drunk again, so not an official comment... lol
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Well, at least you weren't an ass, again a lucky day for me.
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Hahaha... It's not your lucky day though cause I promised I wouldn't judge this drunk. Otherwise I might have given it to you... lol
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So, you promise to sober up before day's end and pick my poem apart? I eagerly await the moment we shall meet again before the sun has hidden its burning face. 'Til then, enjoy the land of inebriation while you're still there.
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Great imagery used in this write A very thought provoking poem, and I wish you the best of luck in this contest
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Hey Cuz. Do you think you could read this again and let me know if it sounds better? I know you always give shining reviews, but I am working on this poem and would love some honest feedback. The thing I want to work on now is that I think a few transitions are choppy. Do you read it that way at all? That you have to stop and restart each stanza in an abrupt manner?
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I don't think that it sounds at all 'choppy' Cuz. I think it flows really well from one stanza to the next
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Thanks!
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Thanks, Cuz! Write on!
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