She's got lungs that aren't breathing
And a face that never ages
Her expression can't be read
Just like a book without the pages
A child of divinity
Transparent in thin air
To everybody else's eyes
'Cause no one cares to stare
At you and toxic fantasies
Your beautiful illusion
Unaware this gilded dream girl
Is only a delusion
Your own personal deity
She glides across the floor
No one else can see her
She's a ghost, and nothing more
A smile of pure pestilence
She's only fooling you
You're ignorant to danger
Only this you never knew
She's your world with no boundaries
And she frees you from despair
You're crossing all the lines
But still you wonder if she's there
Oblivious and fey
You watch her glide across the floor
No one else can see her
An illusion; nothing more
Author notes
August 22, 2007... This poem is about a scizophrenic... The disease is represented by the girl... The poem is sort of a look inside the mind of a mentally insane person.
________________________________________________________
1. Give me your best prewrite ever! These better be good or I will DQ without looking twice.
"Love is a battlefield"
A contest entry
- I'm sick of the same old crap! by Trent plus pen.
1100 points, ended September 13, 2007, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~Tons Of Options~ Come Inside~ by XxX-Twilight-XxX.
450 points, ended October 23, 2007, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Feelings On the Matter by Rememberance.
550 points, ended September 1, 2007, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Unholy by ILikeChocolateMilk.
600 points, ended September 28, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ANYTHING! by Birgitte.
1300 points, ended September 13, 2007, 111 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options Gallor!!!!!!!! by Ale E.
550 points, ended September 16, 2007, 51 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Whatever. by wonderbandalice.
600 points, ended September 12, 2007, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Best Poem Titles by Lick On Her1275.
490 points, ended September 15, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - *** Untitled Contest *** by paradoxical wish.
425 points, ended September 21, 2007, 74 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Amaze Me by Crazy-Dan.
450 points, ended October 15, 2007, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poem For a Disease by TheShadowsOfMe.
850 points, ended October 29, 2007, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your most popular by Birgitte.
425 points, ended October 26, 2007, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your BEST Prewrite! - For Mike [degarmo] - by Never Fall in Love.
950 points, ended October 29, 2007, 135 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Almost Anything Goes by bloodletter68.
300 points, ended March 13, 145 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 65 of 65
-
This can really mess with someones head. I loved it. The vocabulary you used was really good and it added much more strength to this poem. I enjoyed reading this write.
-
Dealing with schizophrenia is hard to explain. I love this....(i am schizophrenic
-
this is a very good poem congrats on the previously one trophies good luck in this contest though there are many entries
-
what a great way to get people into the mind of a scizophrenic and make them see how it really is. I like the mystery, and I could really see it all happen. Great job!
-
It does flow but dont take me wrong its good but the girl isn't described well enough
Good Luck -
that is amazing. the rhyming flows, it all fits, and it is packed full of simple yet strong emotions when read with understanding.
-
Wow, this poem is obviously very meaningful to you for you to not only have this much pride in it but for it to be the one you enter into contests.
Sorry to break your heart here but it didn't impress me like you wanted it to, what it did was lead me to a cliff and let me hang there, i wanted more, this poem is so good that you don't want it to end, or not to end so sudddenly.
I'm done babbling, great imagry here!
Keep writing. -
Wow!! Great write!! Excellent imagery!! & Cool flow!!
Thnx for entering & best of luck
GloriousGift
Heba -
a very great way to express your poetic side and the creativity and the format of it all was very nice it was a pleasure to have me read your contest entry
-
SO SAD WHEN one suffers with images you paint here,heart felt and so very well written,thanks for sharing,MM
-
Beautiful! LOVE your color choices. They're two of my favorite colors!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I also LOVE your piece. This was reall good for a rhyming poem. The finals are headed your way. Great job!!!!
-
Yes, wow. The rhyme is fantastic and it scans fantastically and it's just fantastic. It flowed perfectly, and it was just amazing. Normally I don't enjoy rhyming poems, but I really liked this one.
-
Wow this is truely brilliant let me say. It reminds me a lot of my poem, "A Lost and Condemned Soul" actually. I really liked this. The flow was really good and so were your word choice. I really do like this. I have to read more of your work. Thank you for entering. I wish you the very best of luck in my contest.
aleXox
-
"No one else can see her
An illusion; nothing more"
I loved those lines, and I feel that they truly summed up the poem really well. The piece is very thoughtprovocing and I really like that. Unfortunately, this has won gold before, and I can therefor not consider this. Sorry! -
I can't believe this poem hasn't got any trophies! *Oops, said like the same thing as the other peoples, but it is true!* It certainly deserves a prize! I loved everything about it, especially what it represented, it was an amazing read and I throughly enjoyed it! Good luck in the contest!
-
i cant believe this hasnt won any recognition yet.
Tremendously written poem with a great message, conveyed well and with AWESOME rythm.
Welcome to my finalists list haha.
Congrats!
GoodlcuK!
Much love and respect.
trento.
-
I like the realness of this poem and the seemingly haunting reality of the said illness.
Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best in the contest. Keep writing my friend.
>>>VIRGOAN
-
Very factual desription of this disorder...well written and defined. Thanks so much for the entry and best of luck in the contest!
Love~
Az
-
the danger isn't specified
-
I've noticed you used a few punctuations in this poem. It leaves a reader breathless...is this intentional? Schizophrenia...seeing things not there. Nice use of the metaphor. You vividly described beauty that was not there. Mere illusion, as you said, but was there in the mind of the insane.
"Just like the book, without the pages"
I like the line. It represents a hollow presence vividly. Nice write and keep on writing.
-
A creative write on such a difficult illness to deal with. You've penned some really great imagery. Thank you for the entry in my contest.
-
A very interesting topic to write about, and original. I liked the whole poem, it had some beautiful language, and I wasn't really expecting the whole scizophrenic thing.
-
Interesting
I have not suffered from any such conditions so cannot comment directly on that aspect, but I enjoyed the poetry. One typo I noticed, "an delusion" in the third verse. -
Insightful
I like the imagery in this poem. I love the line 'Your own personal deity,' it just sums up perfectly what I would imagine in this situation.
RB -
Your own personal deity
She glides across the floor
No one else can see her
She's a ghost, and nothing more
She's your world with no boundaries
And she frees you from despair
You're crossing all the lines
But still you wonder if she's there
Thought these lines were excellent! the flow seems to gather momentum in a similar way as the illness you are describing.
A good an insightful piece, interesting and easy for the readers to understand.
I liked this.
Well done and best of luck in the contest.
-
I really enjoyed reading this. On first read it intrigued me, making me want to re-read it and try to think deeper to get the meaning. The word choices also struck me, very cleverly chosen, I like the line, 'a smile or pure pestilence', and i really like the last stanza, a great summary of the poem to end it and emphasises the point.
-
what a perceptive perspective. the poem was more alluring with the "you" point of view
-
i liekd this alot i like the way it flows. it's very good
-
smooth and rythmic it almost lulls you into a sence of madness so you can really feel whats going on in the poem i like it theres feeling in it and i like how you jumped out of you own perspective and tryed on someone elses that really displays your talent
-
OOps - need some way to tell me which poems I've already commented on -sorry for double dipping...
-
Interesting, indeed!
-
wow great write well done I was riveted to your words from start to finish...I think there may be a typo here>>> ' only an delusion ' ....maybe should be 'only a delusion' but otherwise fabulous poem
-
wow this poem is wonderful! i love the flow and wording. it is so very well written and professionally, but with a few gramatic errors. over all, a beautiful poem that i understand all together. i hope you win the contest or at least get a silver or bronze
-
Oh wow
I want to say it was pretty, but I don't think pretty is a really good word for it. Soulful might be a bit better, and it flowed quite well which made it sound pretty. It really was lovely.
~Ari
. Rewarded 4
-
Great write, very moving, super penn. I can feel the pain and to me that makes a great poem.
-
This is totally twisted but I see where the insanity is with in the poem. It makes me feel like the insanity is just over taking the person. You did an awesome job on this poem. Keep the ink flowing and may your ink never run dry.
-
I like the dual concept you have going here! Keeps the reader entranced till the end. It is not a pleasaant disease that is for sure, left untreated for some...it drives them to kill themselves, or harm others!
Thank you for sharing this poem. ~Sie
. Rewarded 6
-
Good with words, Have this diese within my family, wondering if cutting is the norm for this illness or a nother illness all together?
-
omg i ♥♥♥ it!! great!
in fact its almost as awesome a penguins! -
wow... no comment, i'm speechless! =0
-
DOOD
that is a totally awsome poem. very inspirational. love it -
like it
chilling take on a separated mind - well done, I'm still playing with 'a book without the pages'
-
Wow, this is something else!! It reminds me of a book I read a few months ago. It's called Finding Alice...Melody Larson is the author I think. Anyway, Alice tells the story of the disease and how it impacted her life. It really was something else.
Anyway, this speaks from that book, bringing the character to life for me again. It's wrapped into a nice little picture in your imagery here. Splendid job with this!! Best of luck in the contest.
Jin
. Rewarded 8
-
An interesting poem about schizophrenia. Powerful imagery as well. I taught art therapy to schizophrenics and their world is very peculiar like the way u describe in your poem. But children or girl don't suffer this disease contrary to your wording. The onset of schizophrenia usually takes place in the late teens or early 20's - sometimes later for women. Around the world, approximately 1% of the population or one in a hundred people - will experience some form of schizophrenia. Even though schizophrenia is rare, its early onset and the lifelong disability one of the most catastrophic mental illnesses. It is also genetic. The name 'schizophrenia' has its roots the ancient Greek language, where two words meaning 'split' and 'mind' were combined. This explains the common misconception is that schizophrenia is a "multiple personality" (MPS). They are like any other human being and not animals.
-
THought this a great way to show this disorder - interesting how you did that through these lines - so sad to have this anad flit in and out of reality, being delusional so many times.
. Rewarded 4
-
this is really great! it's a quite intriguing metaphor that u used, and a very effective one. it's a really beautiful poem.
. Rewarded 4
-
beautiful write...perfectly choreographed!!!
-
I really like how the girl is a metaphor for schizophrenia! Very clever and thoughtful! I also like your descriptiveness in this...My favorite is:
A child of divinity
Transparent in thin air
To everybody else's eyes
'Cause no one cares to stare
Your rhyming and flow are great also! Excellent write!!!
. Rewarded 6
-
this is a different kind of peom, i love it! the descriptions are amzing, good rite!
-
Wow. This is so different. I love the comparisons. The flow of the poem is so natural. I love all of the metaphors in it. Great write
-
Thi is a sweet poem. I just love all the imagery and whatnot throughout this beasty masterpiece. Way to go dude.
. Rewarded 4
-
Good luck! this is an awesome write! Love the flow and ryhming...mine always seemed forced and yours is so flowy like ship sails.
. Rewarded 4
-
"She's your world with no boundaries
And she frees you from despair
You're crossing all the lines
But still you wonder if she's there"
exquisite, I knew it was some kind of metaphor, i just couldnt figure out what lol. great job on this poem and good look in the contest
. Rewarded 6
-
i really like this, althou there are a few word mistake ie an delusion. but the subject and the was it was presented was very heart felt, reminded me to much of my relationship with my dad, thats the way i saw it anyways, u truely show talent. kudos
-
Very well written. It really goes deep into the disease. I hope people understand when then read this how important it is to know about this situation...
Please take care and be well.
Soulful Woman
. Rewarded 4
-
I loved it.
But if it's supposed to represent the mind of a schizophrenic/mentally insane person then why did I not feel that at all. Hmmm, I've always thought I was a little insane. lol.
Great write all the same.
Cheers
. Rewarded 4
-
I really love this.
The first verse really drew me in.
Amazing write.
-
Well, the first stanza really drew me in. I'm not a real fan of rhyme, but that one flowed well enough and the first line was good.
The second stanza was not as strong in my opinion. It sounded a bit more forced - not quite as cohesive. Same with the following stanza. The third line is JUST out of rhythm. However, you come back in the fourth stanza. I liked "she's a ghost, and nothing more" (though you don't need the comma)
So, really, my only problem is the incosistency of rhythm in this piece. You've got good vocabulary and some good lines. I like the image I got.
best of luck.
. Rewarded 8
-
A beautiful write and you described this disease so well.
It's kinda sad though knowing people had to go through this.
You did well here as always.
-
WOW this is good!! The last stanza was the kicker: kicked me right in the buttocks and showed me how much potential you have. Very very nicely done!
. Rewarded 4
-
oh wow, this is beautiful. and its very interesting, and holds attention. I loved how you wrote, you have great great style
xoxox <3 -
this was really good! the words and the flow were amazing. Good luck in the contest!
p.s. loved the line: Just like a book without the pages -
i like this a lot. its very deep. great write
Adding your comment:
1 - 65 of 65
