your kisses taste like mercury.
slipping silver back and forth upon my tongue,
this heinous poison so addictive
as it dribbles down our chins.
Eyes rolling backwards,
and our smiles stretch to great lengths to the edges of
the earth until they fall away into the atmosphere.
you speak in pixie dust
and we munch on imaginary sugarless sorbet.
My fingers feel like glass against your skin
and as these stars explode inside our heads
our brains splatter technicolour rainbows
onto mournful concrete.
And as our insides melt
our mistakes are displayed before searing eyelids
We speak secrets with our fingertips
as doors open to expose us with intertwined hipbones
and mass destruction seeps through our skin
we weep as we obliterate the masses
like a silent film.
Author notes
i wrote this on friday...4 days before my 17th birthday which was yesterday.
this is one of my favorites.
SpinalKisses
A contest entry
- prose & dirty pretty by whiterabbit..
375 points, ended January 12, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I really love this, I think it's brilliant doll. I just adore the way that you worded this and all of the emotions that come out of it.
xx
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"and our smiles stretch to great lengths to the edges of
the earth until they fall away into the atmosphere."
that was great, such a worthwhile read! amazing stuff and happy belated birthday =D
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Eeeeep hunny! this is ahhhmazing!!! LIKE WHOA!
"and mass destruction seeps through our skin
we weep as we obliterate the masses
like a silent film"
brilliant bby
xoxo
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oooh I can see why it's one of your favorites! It's beautiful!!
This part was innnncredible:
"My fingers feel like glass against your skin
and as these stars explode inside our heads
our brains splatter technicolour rainbows
onto mournful concrete."
actually... the whole thing really is amazing.
You did a wonderful job with this, and happy belated birthday! -
I'll take the "please tell me what you think" literally.
I think there is strong poem in here but at the moment it has (as the emperor says in AMADEUS), too many words. They obscure the clarity of image, the rhythm of the lines.
For example: the first two lines work very well, but in line 3 "heinous" seems redundant as a modifier of "poison" and "so addictive" might work best simply as "addictive."
Line 6 seems to try too hard; perhaps "our smiles stretch to earth's edges until/they fall into atmosphere." Or something tighter.
You have a command of words, you twine them artfully--but it seems as if you don't quite trust them yet, so repeat, reiterate, re-state.
Try compressing from the left and right--keep line count as it is, but force the lines tighter and tighter.
Or not. Which ever, you show real talent for poetry. -
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thank you so much for your comment, and while others would find this harsh....I find it helpful and interesting. I will agree that I have a habit to repeat certain things, but I guess I wouldn't change this poem a bit, and that's only because when I read it...I liked the way it felt when I read it out loud...the way it rolled off my tongue. I really do appreciate your commentary. and by the way I just keep the default "please tell me what you think" up there.
Thank you -
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Not intended as harsh--and you have the right response...the way the poem rolls of your tongue. I appreciated the chance to think about such a strong piece.
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