Coffee & cigarettes,
It's all i seemed to be able to consume.
This sickly body
held no interest in the need for food.
I was full on the delight
of seeing the waistband grow bigger,
as the months of starvation began.
To me, size is more like an obsession.
Weighing & seeing i've gained a couple more pounds
rather than less, is self-deprecating.
A disapointment I cannot begin to describe.
I've ripped my hair out for lesser things..
The therapy was supposed to have helped
but it didn't stop me from doing it this time.
[[It destroys the person i'm trying to be.]]
If I don't see someone pretty,
when i force myself to finally look.
It's all I can do not to breakdown.
Disgusted by the way I feel
but i'll continue this endless charade.
There is no means to this end.
[[I hate me..]]
Instead of finding what is good,
the negative overwhelms everything else.
& all i can think is i'll be bald,
fat, & alone by the time i'm 25.
I won't be fat again, i'll die first.
I know i'd never be able to handle it..
[[Don't judge me for being so blatently vain.
I honestly can't get past it
but not from not lack of trying.]]
It's to the point where some days,
I don't even leave the house
because I feel so badly about the way I look.
I'm reminded daily of what a failure
I'm going to turn out to be..
I can't better myself.
I can't even get past my looks..
[[Fuck.]]
Author notes
*personal* i'm iffy about the title but this came straight from the heart.
A contest entry
- contest: I miss you. by Diseased Mind.
600 points, ended September 24, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A contest for the masses by Danneh.
600 points, ended October 4, 2007, 34 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
comments appreciated
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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This is so sad and totally from the heart. I hope you spirits lift soon and you see the beauty you have.
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I know there is not much I can say (I've felt the same way and still do a lot) to make you feel pretty but know that you are Alyssa. This is a good poem but I worry about you. You're a beautiful gurl and always have been.
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Im not there, I cant be by your side like I use to be anymore, but just know that you are beautiful, and you are a GREAT person, I only wish that you could see that. But you will wake up one day and say, I remember writting that, and feeling that way, but why? and you will see that I was right. I hope you get to feeling better lysa dear, I love you and miss you dont forget that.
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thank you for your assurance..maybe someday i'll feel the way you do. i'm just going through some issues. poetry is the only way i can really get it off my conscious
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you're beautiful darling.
dont ever forget it.
ily.♥
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awesome poem
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