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Red Onion and White Garlic

A Malay man from Kampung far,
has daughters two, both  fair;
one, pretty as the eastern star,
the other, none compare.

Red Onion looks gorgeous in red
from head, to bust, to toes,
all red, and if you see her bed,
you'd say," Gheee!" I suppose.

White Garlic, on the other hand,
likes white and hates the pink.
It makes her shrink, not tall and grand.
And yellows make her blink.

Now Dad, a man of will and might,
and has a thinking head;
half of the house, he paints in white,
the other half, sure, red.

I swear by stars and sprites and jades,
two princes  passed the house
and stopped to see these famous maids;
a great  stir they did rouse.

These princes begged to see the girls.
Their dad consented, so
Red onion came out with red curls
and veils, her face aglow.

The princes stared; she bowed, they bowed.
They sat and shyly smiled.
White garlic then emerged, so proud.
The princes gazed, beguiled.

Next day, the princes came, such charms;
the Prince of Towns in red,
Red onion smiled. The prince of Farms
in white and news was spread.

Now, Prince of Farms and Prince of Towns
brought the girls superb gifts.
They vowed to bring them smiles, no frowns,
if needed, climbed the cliffs.

I'll end my tale, a happy one:
both red and white are brides:
the loveliest under the sun,
with princes by their sides.




Author notes

Workshop please.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • cricketjeff gold member
    March 28

    Edit | Reply
    A very pretty tale and so sweetly told!
    The rhyme and meter are good and the story is there too.

    Thanks a lot for the entry and for adding to what was already probably the strongest contest Sue and I have yet run

    Great stuff

    Jeff and Sue


    • Josy2
      March 28
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the encouraging remarks and the applauses too.


  • Josy2
    March 7
    Edit | Reply
    Hi Legend,

    Your feed back is useful,in fact I knew it. Now I have elaborated the story and hope it works. Thank you.Josy


  • Josy2
    March 7
    Edit | Reply
    Hi Epistomolus,
    Sorry for the very late reply due to my out of date PC, I cannot post replies. I am using another PC and hope to be able to say I appreciate your useful feed back. Josy


  • Legend silver member
    March 7

    Edit | Reply
    I do like tis piece. How ever i feel that you took a cop out by skipping to the last stanza to quickly There was a lot more to be added to this tale.Who were the princes, why were they drawn to the different daughters.Never feel that a poem will be to long (especially a story poem) if it can capture the reader from the start then they will continue to read no matter the length.I was just getting into this one and it ended
    What was written was excellent with good rhyme and flow Good luck in the contest


  • Epistomolus silver member
    August 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a fun little poem. There are some hiccups in the meter that are easy to fix. For example "prefers white and hates the pink" could become "likes white and hates the pink." It's not essential that every line scan perfectly, but when you interrupt the flow, it should be for a specific reason (to jar the reader, to fit in precisely the right word, etc.). Feel free to tweak this poem until the final judging. I'll read them all again before I make the final rankings.

1 - 6 of 6