Standing alone outside the Mirage,
I felt like the only gambler in Las Vegas.
The parlay ticket in my pocket guarded,
like a Top Secret document.
A loss would do me
"grave and serious damage".
But don't we all thrive on taking chances?
Some of us simply lack the courage to admit so.
I saw her legs first, emerging
from the limo in nyloned perfection.
Now a valet opening the casino door,
words gathered, a stone in my throat,
"Would the lady care for company?"
I made myself a dog at odds of 8-1,
yet, a crooked finger beckoned me follow.
I felt like the only gambler in Las Vegas.
Author notes
Authored by A60sMan
A contest entry
- Amends by Dalaney.
300 points, ended September 3, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - From Trash to Treasure by star wars fanatic.
1500 points, ended February 22, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your best prewrites- ROUNDS!!! by LaVieBohemme.
525 points, ended December 18, 2007, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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i like this! great job! best of luck in this contest!
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Hmm, not much to critique in this, because it is a very subjective form, but I feel like this needs one more line of trasition between the two stanzas. Hmmm...let me know how you feel about this.
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What a great take on the prompt. Wonderful descriptions leave me feeling like an onlooker!
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interesting form, I rather like the intense involvement of it, keep writing
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Sheesh, an old man could get a swelled head, what with all these nice comments from the young ladies. TY for for the kind words, Amaranthine. Mind if I take a peek at your work? --- A60sMan
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if you want to
I'm really the judge of this contest, the amends are for moi
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well, this is an interesting
take on the contest prompt...
I enjoyed it very much and I
thank you for entering.
Love, Lane
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Knowing it brought you enjoyment, Lane, makes me happy. I'm not sure how successful I was, but I was trying a write in your style ... or at least I thought I was.
Brian <<<--- A60sMan
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Felt like I was reading through a lot of cigarette smoke as the story unfolded. Typical for Vegas, no?
I liked this.
Keep on penning!(Like you were going to stop, huh?)
John
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I like some of the images in this, particularly the part about the top secret document, tight work. I think second stanza third line is a fragmented sentence. nice work, great inspiration my friend.
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re: 3rd line
Good analysis ... The problem, I believe was starting it as a simile. Edited "like" to "becoming", do you agree that that works better? BTW ... I was honored that such a talented writer put me on her "Favs". Thanks for pointing out the weakness of that line.
A60sMan
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