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Seismic Seconds

 

 

 

Seismic seconds,

(of ceaseless stargazing)

shape metaphors

of unheeded sensations.

 

               It's early morning

               - I think -

               and we're wrapped,

               inside this woolgathering moment.

 

It's about time

for saffron and sapphire,

to redecorate the sky,

as the children

- of sun and rain -

hover along horizons;

 

               We see birds and bats

               trading places; Actually,

               we hear sensual summer serenades

               repressing the nightly shrieks,

               echoing through the fog;

               as if we're living time's dream.

 

Where emerald and burnt sienna

nurture nature,

then flirt friskily

with flowers and foliage.

 

               And we hold hands,

               imitating impishly

               the roleplay of teasing

               and making love.

 

But fumes and pollution

curtain the azure skies,

as they drift drably

- like oil in water -

from windowpanes

to porches of our nature.

 

               Playfully, I wander

               within the room behind your eyes;

               where you mirror syllables

               - spoken and depicted -

               by the memories

               of our mouths and hands.

 

And these hands,

(of soil and heaven)

copulate colours and scents

to birth stories of yesteryear.

 

               Then, together we fold

               this reality to dreams, (of ardor)

               and mutate to mud

               on a viridescent field.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

The challenge:


Now for your final task...

You will pen two poems. Below you will find your names.
Beneath your names you will find two sets of
opposites. You will write one poem for
each set.

Example:
set one – good and evil
set two – positive and negative

One poem will be about set one and the second
poem will be about set two.


Each poem is to be five stanzas in length as follows:

stanza one = 4 lines
stanza two = 6 lines
stanza three = 4 lines
stanza four = 6 lines
stanza five = 4 lines


One poem is to be written in the form of 'SHOWING'
The other is to be written in the form of 'TELLING'


Now the catch!

Both poems must be woven into on coherent 10 stanza poem by alternating stanzas BUT must also be able to stand alone when separated from one another.


Also, you will be assigned two genre in which to pen from. One poem must be one genre and the second is to be the other genre.



Leander:

set one – earth and sky
set two – reality and dream

genres:
contemporary
love

You chose which poem will be which genre.



Best poem:

'Parchment and pixels'
http://allpoetry.com/poem/show/2827152


Worst poem:

'Silhouettes of strangers'
http://allpoetry.com/poem/show/3189214


I don't like this one at all

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • Anna Emkah
    October 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Amazing.....

    If I understood well, you have written this poem as a "Challenge". I think you did an amazing job with this one. I love it from beginning till the end. This is a masterpiece of alternating stanzas of showing and telling with great images. Can't say anything else. VERY WELL DONE Leander. My compliments. Anna.


  • shadedgrey
    September 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is my favourite of your poems, i like how descriptive this one is especially it creates a strong visual. Oh and yes, powerpuff girls rule! ;P

  • Mis.Poe
    August 31, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    really clever how you put two poems... This was thoughful and imaginative. Ireally like this

  • k8fairy
    August 27, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Beautifulness!

  • MariGoes gold member
    August 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Your author note is way too long, so I confess I skipped to the comment area without reading any notes
    I like it, but still I miss something that could make this poem 'more' you. Don't ask me what it is, just a feeling I guess

    Hou van jou,
    mommer


    • leander Moderators member
      August 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      totally right about that mommer
      It's for a challenge (I'm in the finals btw) and this was the assignment... If you'd read the author's note you'd see lol
      I don't like this poem (but I don't like most of my work so yah )

      thankies for hopping by beautiful one! I miss you

      • MariGoes gold member
        August 23, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        came back to read the notes
        hey, I'm glad you made it and yes, you always say your poems aren't good. You must quit saying that

        How do you feel about going to Italy in 2 weeks for a weekend? Saw very cheap flights to Rome and few other cities there

        • leander Moderators member
          August 23, 2007
          Edit | Reply
          To be honest, that sounds awesomely good but Jovy and I don't have any holidays anymore to take Belgium gives too less holidays to the people

  • kaibab silver member
    August 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This last challenge stretch the rubber bands in my brain to burst...so far from anything Iwould ever do on purpose...It was such a wonderful thing, this challenge...and in the stretching we all grew...and it was an honor being here with you...great poem here


  • Desire gold member
    August 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Holy Mother of Pearl Jam!!

    Ok Busy Bee~ I am Happy You made it in Yay!!!!
    Tell those customers to scoot
    Wonderful piece You have penned and I was telling Genie~
    Boy was this a challenge
    You had some tricky prompts
    My head was kissing the wall trying to get this done

    Wooooooooo hooooooooo
    I certainly am Happy and Honored You are in the
    Challenge with me
    Best wishes to You in the contest silly one
    Many blessings too
    and much love~ Desire~*~


  • Daoine
    August 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    100

    I love that you used the word 'Seismic' yet wrote the opposite. It was very dreamy yet awake. I felt you played with contradictions like lovers often do. Contemporary love is about fantasy with reality blowing it apart as easily as a child blowing on the head of a dandelion.

  • Yemassee silver member
    August 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    LOL, wow, that contest would be way too hard for me. I couldn't even understand the directions!

    Ignoring the contest requirements, the poem stands on its own, and this line:

    within the room behind your eyes;

    I thought was quite creative.

    Lots of colors and visuals in the poem and it started to take me one place and then surprised me and decided to shift and take me elsewhere...and that trip was an enjoyable one.


  • Arkbear gold member
    August 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Very nice ~

    First off.....allow me to show you which stanzas I felt you were strong in ~ 

    Best of set 1...>>

     

     

    But fumes and pollution

    curtain the azure skies,

    as they drift drably

    - like oil in water -

    from windowpanes

    to porches of our nature.

     

    Best of set 2...>>

     

    Playfully, I wander

                   within the room behind your eyes;

                   where you mirror syllables

                   - spoken and depicted -

                   by the memories

                   of our mouths and hands.

     

     

    Nice show & tell ~

     

    Umm...I think you did well in this Final Round, however, being the Judge I am, I shall review it as I would Judge any other contest of my own ~

    This is very vivid, and full of great imagery and passion for your genres ~

    I could totally relate to each poem instantly.....and I am thinking...maybe this is/was your worst enemy here ~

    Usually, I take a genre or topic, and go outside the box to look within ~

    However..........cliche' is not always bad...but in the Finals, cliche' is taboo ~

    When I say cliche' on this write...I am merely speaking of your grammatical choices and thought-process penned ~

    I think you could have gone a LOT deeper, but I believe you have had some personal set-backs lately, and I can understand trying to gather your *thinker* and reorganizing your style ~

    Trust me....this is not going to be a bad score....but with the talent I just read, I wish you had another chance to accumulate a few more points from me ~

    ....nonetheless....this is the Finals, and we must proceed ~ :)

    Here is the way I saw your entry...>>>

     

    Title ~   9.....umm...I liked the Title, but as much as I studied *seismic*, vs. your entry, I think you could have went with a different word, other than Seismic....In other words, I did not feel your write was worded strongly enough to use *Seismic* ~
    Form ~   10, Flawless ~
    Creativity ~   9, Kept a sensual, softly guarded tone throughout, yet allowing your genres to feed off of the other ~
    Originality ~   9, Began very elementary, becoming cliche' before I was half way through your entry, but after I read it 8 times, I actually fell in love with this write ~
    Spelling ~   10, I did not find any mistakes....and if someone Else does, then shame on me ~
    Punctuation ~  10, Personally, I think you did an outstanding job....slowing me down just when I felt a need to take a breath.....and keeping your lines flowing smoothly for a Very nice Flow ~
    Reaction ~   8.5, Impressed, but I have read some works of simliar Theme, and had more of a *Wow* affect....but as I said.....you kept it soft and toned down.....maybe not the best choice in the Finals...but it was effective in its' own right ~
    Enjoyability ~   9, Totally enjoyedthis write....I did not enjoy the *punch* though.....I think with more of your *nature and love* genre, you could have given a bit more of a bite to your lines ~
    Presentation ~   10, Flawless to a *T* ....loved the way you made sure we noticed the difference in topics by italisizing....as this will help other Readers as well if they don't have the time for the Rules.....and you KNOW, many don't...hehe ~
    Comprehension ~   10, I had to read it through 8 or 9 times, but I did get it, well done ~

     

    Bears Score:   95.5

    The best to you in this Final Round Leander ~


    • leander Moderators member
      August 21, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      To be honest, I'm not completely satisfied myself but my thinker is just refusing to help me these days
      Anyway, didn't expect at all to get that much whoohoo

  • suseann silver member
    August 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    What a challenge this is! But you've mastered it quite well. And with poetic finise too.


  • Nicolette gold member
    August 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You always rise to the occasion of the "challenging yourself" contests, Leander and wow... I can't understand why you don't like this one...too much of a perfectionist, hey ! Loved the way this one jumped to and fro and the different viewpoints they allow the reader. Sooo loved the "and we're wrapped, inside this woolgathering moment"...aah but you know I'm such a softie, a romantic

    Wonderful poetry... I was wondering when you were going to post a new one but now I see you've been working very hard!! Don't be so hard on yourself - this is an excellent penning, my friend!!

    ~ Nicolette


    • leander Moderators member
      August 21, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      lol well yeah, too much of a perfectionist maybe
      Thank you for your words my friend
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