The trust you put in me keeps hidden secrets,
Keeping green arrhythmia from taking stronger hold,
Stopping steely steps from screaming dreams I must confess.
Is it wrong to want to feel your honest breathing?
Brushing crystal caring slow, against attentive skin,
Turning sweet compassion into lust which we can play.
You care for reputations, observations and perceptions,
Still you lie to meet my eyes, I must imagine what will come,
Illicit limitations, couldn’t break your burning pupils from my soul.
I know it’s wrong.
I’m sorry.
Tell my heart that.
I just want you to love me instead.
A contest entry
- My Very Own Rounds Contest - Part One by Exodus.
600 points, ended September 4, 2007, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Intrigue me! by Jfd.
550 points, ended October 24, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Nothing From the Fruit Bowl by Nicole Hanna.
1500 points, ended December 18, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I love the sounds in this poem. The race off the tongue when I'm reading it. It's almost TOO wordy at times, but still easy to follow and enjoy. Not a big fan of the last line, which reads a little too mushy for my tastes. Honestly, I'd like it as is without that line. Thanks for entering. It'll be interesting to get onerios' impression on this one.
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So sad but beautifully written. The first two stanzas lull you into a sense of metaphor then the next two blow it apart and hit you where it hurts. Thank you
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lovely concept
First i'd love to commend u for this piece. From my opinion, i'd rather u use 'my' instead of 'your' in last line of d 3rd stanza, it more of shows reluctance for a change which is welcome though. Also 'screamin' as against 'creamin' dreams in the last line of d 1st stanza. All the best. -
lovely concept
First i'd love to commend u for this piece. From my opinion, i'd rather u use 'my' instead of 'your' in last line of d 3rd stanza, it more of shows reluctance for a change which is welcome though. Also 'screamin' as against 'creamin' dreams in the last line of d 1st stanza. All the best. -
Hey, OK, a constructive criticism from your neglectful group leader here...
Title:
The first thing that I did was Google 'Arrhythmia', then I wondered how it could be green!
Pretty- Letter-Balance:
Then I saw the two d's in 'hidden' and I just realized I was scanning the rest of the poem for what I will call 'letter-balance'- how the poem 'looks' on paper as far as all the individual characters work together- your poem isn't 'beautiful' in this category, more like 'functional'- now some poets emphasize how it looks letter-balance-wise, stepping back to see how it looks for first-impression's sake... I've never done it- so I'm putting that on my to-do list for my 800+ poems here... (ug! but 'pretty' is an important aspect, no matter how trite I'd like to deem it...)
Pretty- Stanza-Balance:
You have two wide stanzas followed by two skinnies- if it were a structure it would be top-heavy and topple over! Don't know if that's good or bad, it is a tool and something to think about...
Vocabulary:
Before reading I also scanned for intriguing/interesting/unusual words to see if my interest would hold; I didn't find any beyond the 'arrhythmia'; but I did find a lot of plain, 'unpoetic' words like 'stopping', 'keeping', 'keeps', 'takes', 'wrong', 'person', 'change' and the like- some poets hit the thesaurus for those (I right-click on the word in Word)- It just occurred to me that with plain words, very short lines might work best (skinny stanzas), or something not all left-justified; and I recently had the notion that plain words work best with important messages that contain intense emotions; the title and the initial scan did not hint of either in your piece, however...
Ideas and Images:
First Stanza:
The alliterations are clever in the first stanza, but are distracting when trying to understand the meaning and formulate images, I couldn't really form an image of 'stopping steely steps' (all I could muster was you kind of leaning toward him and somehow freezing) or 'creaming dreams' (but that images was interesting, if puzzling!), nor could I tie any emotions to those phrases, not like 'fuzzy teddy-bear' or something familiar- the phrases seem more like exercizes that got in the way of what you really wanted to say, or the feelings that you wanted to express...
so let's see if I understand the first stanza- the arrhythmia does not pertain to the disease proper but to love, and the 'green' to new love; but I don't see how trust can prevent love (the arrhythmia) or your approaching the person (stopping steely steps from creaming dreams)...
Second Stanza:
Now there is a contradiction- in the first stanza you are describing the trust as something getting in the way, now you are saying you want to feel the trust (honest breathing)... then I don't see how the caring and compassion enter the scene- two great lines- don't know about the cliche 'crystal'! but the two lines... let's see- if it weren't for the trust keeping you away, which you want, then you could approach him with caring, compassion, and ultimately lust! I would say at this point that it is no wonder that they say women are illogical creatures of the heart!
Third Stanza:
Yes, the illogical creature of the heart is supported here, too! with the opposed 'person' and 'nightmare'...
Fourth Stanza:
Now the reader won't know what the 'it' is that you are referring to- there have already been many its- the trust, the arrhythmia, the steps and dreams and confessing and breathing and caring and compassion and lust and change...
So, the whole poem is very illogical from a man's perspective, and the last line actually sums it all up for me, as, 'Forget all the illogic I just said, just love me, damn it!" and in THAT, I think, is the heart of the poem, and is actually enlightening there! So I would emphasize that aspect- the heart pumping, the mind numbing, primal urges dominating, and all necessary for species survival, in spite of what the logic professors say...
I just had a thought- I heard that women need to 'hear' words- (especially the BIG THREE)- so maybe that is playing a part here- just the sounds themselves hold more meaning and impact than the rules of logic themselves, and on that aspect we men have been missing the point for eons now...
Well, two clappies for getting me to have several new instantaneous insights- funny what you can discover in a good critique attempt even on such a short, simple, unassumingly sweet piece...
Well, I hope that this was as constructive for you as it was for me...
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I think this is beautiful! I really like the 3rd stanza, I know that feeling. Anyway I think it is all really great. Wonderful write
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I think your first line was just a little bit over-worded. "hidden secrets" -to me- only really need to be "secrets". But it's your poem.
I love the alliteration in some lines and the last line of the second stanza is probably my favourite.
all the best
~suzume
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wow this is abosolutly amazing I lvoe the first two stanzas they are the absolute best in this poem great work I loved it
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Wow. The first two stanzas are absolutely stellar. The way you put them together, the alliteration and the just the way the words flowed. I really liked this. Well done.
"Is it wrong to want to feel your honest breathing?
Brushing crystal caring slow, against attentive skin," breath on skin.. I love it.
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