As a child I was more physically attacked than sexually. This was by my big sister, or one of them. She'd hit me lots and my mum and my other sister [they are half sisters but the one who hit me is from my dad]. Mum, Claire [my other sister] and I would tell dad about what she was doing, but he didn't think his little girl would do that. Mum and Dad would fight over it lots. Charlene once attempted to hit me over the head with a bat [or was it a hockey stick?], that's her violent temper. From day one til I was 8/9 this happened and it was a lot of the time. She went to a mental institution for young ones as she was only 14/15 herself then and whenever she did good, she was all fancified and 'look how good Charlene has been' but when I was good, as I usually was, I got nothing. I went to go get the fish fingers from the fridge, it was blah. She did it, then a party had to be done. It pissed me off and til this day I get infuriated with Dad for letting it last so long and for me having to stand it and remember it now. Heck, I don't like having to talk about this and other stuff I mention later, but it happened and it's best that way. I still resent Dad sometimes for letting her get away with a lot of things and for not listening to us when we said what she was doing. I love my Dad though.
I liked school [I went to a school for those between 4-9]. This school was good, but I'd stay around the lunch ladies all the break times and I'd had my fair share of being left alone and quiet. I loved school though, as it was away from Charlene and her behaviour. But I was easily afraid.
When I was at home I had nightmares and they were bad and I used to hallucinate. Mum and Dad worried about me and said I would be fine and the doctors said I'd grow out of it, but it took years and years to do so. Even at aged 4 I used to go into big shopping centres [malls] and see those mannequin/statues and think, "I'm eating them. They don't have a lot of fat on them, or heads. I'm eating them." This was weird I knew, but I thought it and feared going there as whenever I ate I thought it was me eating a person. As I said though.
Then when I was at school I would as stated be around the school dinner ladies and stuff, which was fine with me. Sometimes however, I'd hang with those I shared the taxi / minibus with [as I got transport in]. One of them was called Robyn, his Mum was foreign but I can't remember which country she came from. I think the older and scarier one was called Christian. Christian, that's right. I remember him [this is off the cuff, memories are begining to make me woozy] the one who would wind me up. He'd have a weird habit of chasing me to this hut when we were in school and making sure nobody else would go into it whilst we were there, or sometimes he'd let his friends in [he was slightly older, about 8 when I was 6]. He'd sit on me. He'd get me to lay down and he'd sit on me, legs wrapped around me. I can say it was a little odd, but I didn't really know what else to do, I just was afraid of asphixiation. Then I of course moved on.
But I must tell you from above this age this was when I first started having mild erotic daydreams. Not of ordinary eroticness, it was quite... Disturbed, actually. Like of someone sitting on you for example and forcing you to suck on them whilst holding you down you know and acting normal, maybe watching TV. Or weird positions. They got worse throughout these years, by the way.
Then Charlene left when I was 9. We went to the mental institution place and they said she needed to stay there another year. Charlene hated this and struck out at my Mum, blaming her. She jumped over the table and begun to try and strangle her. Dad caught her and Mum and Dad had a talk that night. Mum said Herself, Claire and I would be leaving if Charlene didn't leave. Therefore, Charlene was sent away [aged 16] to live iwth my Gran over in Northern Ireland, where I lived the first 2 1/2 years of my life.
I then went to another school which was great. I met some really good friends there and had a very appreciative class. My Maths went up [I liked Maths then] and I enjoyed spending time out, though I would often stay with the disabled kids looking after them and help undoing bags of grapes their Mum's made them or chatting to them, making them feel other students liked them. Then we had to move, as Dad's work was changing. Dad got involved in an accident and he was thrown to the floor roughly by an extremely tall black guy. Dad drove him and he can't remember it, but his back was hurt and he's still [7 years on] got mild brain damage. So I had to go to a new school down the way we were moving, South West, Dorset.
This new school down Dorset was ok. I made a few friends [sort of friends anyway, they were very bitchy and cruel]. All was pretty ok. This girl was in the group [sort of]. There was Elaine, Rozanne, Becky and me mainly, but Elaine used to be best friends with this girl called Sherie. I didn't quite understand why they lost friendship at the time and felt sorry for Sherie. So when she befriended me and invited me to her house I agreed. I felt the way they treated her was unfair as the other girls took the piss out of her and that I wasn't hanging with them very much anyway after school. If I can remember correctly, Sherie was the first to ask me and the first house I went to.
Her nan and Mum and her step-father [sort of, Mum's long term boyfriend] were alright. A little soft on Sherie. She was very spoilt in the family home and Brian disliked it, like me.
The first time something happened was after me visiting once or twice for a couple of hours in the evening [Dad was a prison officer then and picked me up out of work].
Then she invited me for a sleep over. I thought this was cool. I didn't really get to spend that much time with the other girls as they had family issues somewhat and I don't know, they weren't bold enough to ask me around. Anyway, she freaked me out as she started talking about witches and demons and demons having sex with humans. She'd make these weird roleplays up like being abandoned on an island or having a 'safe haven'. If you've ever played Spyro the Dragon, it's like his 'land' between levels, you know. Anyway she had these stories like skeletons coming to kill us and then demons taking out our souls, making us unconscious and raping us. She was a whacked girl, I can tell you that now, but she purely frightened me.
I feel beforet he main story starts I should tell you a girl touched me. Well, she rubbed up against me as if humping me and also rubbed around areas, but I pee'd on her when she did it. This isn't part of the storyline, but it freaked me out and I didn't understand, I was 10 and so was she. She was called Carly.
Anyway, after we went to McDonalds and something else or other, we went to bed. She had a bunkbed, but insisted I slept with her [tantrum, the works] she was a year older than me, but as she was dyslexic and had tunnel vision they bunked her down a year, she was 11 then, I was 10. Anyway, I finally grudgingly agreed to sleep with her. She had a torch in her room by the side of her bed, always. She said we were going to go down and sneak some sweets up, without her Nan Pam finding out. She said whilst waiting for them to go to bed, we could talk. I brought PJ's with me and I don't know how to say this, so I'll go right ahead... She put her hands down them, whilst talking. I turend my head away, as I was confused and didn't look at her, I didn't understand why she was doing this. She started to finger me and I didn't know where this place was she was touching, but it hurt me. I didn't feel enjoyment, it just felt sore and just wrong, but I was too scared to say anything. This happened many other times I slept at her house and she convinced me to finger her, or forced me too, though I said I didn't want to. Even when her Nan came in to check we were ok, she'd get me to continue... I felt awful. She'd also tell all these stories about demons and being killed.
She frightened me as she threatened to set fire to me and she hit me round the shins with a metal pole and nearly around the head. She also got plasters [like for cuts] and would lock me in the bathroom with her and put them on my breats and pubic hair and rip them off fast just to hurt. She also bribed me to bath with her. I didn't quite understand and I know I should've left the first time she did this shit, but I didn't know how and I didn't want to be alone again, I was her favourite.
Then anyway she had a weird brother called Damien [how appropriate... AKA. The Omen]. He was weird with me, but not nasty or anything. She walked over her family and so did her brother, who was her half brother from her Dad's side [I think] who was just out of prison related to drugs, he looked like one of the sex pistols, or an early emo. He was around my age now [17/18]. Her uncle worried me as she would stay with him and stuff and this didn't bother me, but he liked me and he invited me once to his house. Sherie called me from his house and he invited me the next week. I said i had things to do and so did Sherie and he said without Sherie. I got freaked out and straight on suspected him to be some paedophile or something, he was odd and would ask me to sit on his lap but I didn't... I just avoided him.
The only normal one there was Brian, who was frustrated. I never told my family about this stuff, as I didn't know how and I thought it was my fault for not avoiding her, which is really is anyway, so I deserved it.
Then I moved up to Secondary School [equiv. High School] at 11. we grew apart and that was fine with me and I got the strength to stand up to her. I also frightened her and threatened her, I was in control now, I needed to be.
I begun to be good friends with Rozanne for a while who was a somker and a cleptomaniac, she'd steal anything she could see. I then got in with Becky, who was better. I did with Elaine too, but Elaine was a push over, which made me think that was why Sherie used to be good friends with her.
I admit I carried on the obsession with demons and sex and blood. I just couldn't help it, it fascinated me like the moon would a werewolf and I just kept on at it, dragging Elaine in when we were both good friends. I'd also hurt her. I threatened to kill her for no reason, I just loved her fear and she never turned up on halloween, I threatened to do it then. I also yanked her hair, pushed her and banged her against the hard part of the bed. I think, though I can't remember details as I tried to block most of this out, that I sexually assaulted her too, but I'm not sure. Sherie probably did mroe too, but I blanked the worst, I think I had to.
Anyway then I left Secondary School there as I was being bullied. Verbally, not physically, for it was known I could stick up for myself. I then went to the school for Visually Impaired and blind people. I was shy and still obsessed somewhat with the same stuff. Guys begun to notice me and within the first week I was asked out. I said yes, but this guy [my ex] then asked another girl out who turned him down but nonetheless it upset me. I went out with this other guy [my present boyfriend]. So I was kind of two timing [13 by this time].
I then had my present boyfriend Karl try and sexually assault me. He started asking me for information [my ex, who was my boyfriend then as well as Karl, James, had told me something personal the night before that made me not able to sleep] he said he'd touch me if I didn't tell him, I refused. I believed in holding my word. He groped my breasts and my ass and then said forget it and started to work his way inbetween my legs and stroke around that area with his second finger [closest to the thumb]. He'd had an accident on his bike and I could smell the bandage wrapping and his deodorant, I could smell it for years afterwards. Then he got agresive saying he'd be gentle but he was going to ^$%^ me and then he said he'd do it rough and that I was abitch and a whore and stuff. Then a member of staff came round and saved my ass. He tried it again a couple of times after this. The night I dumped him by text and the next day I flipped on him when he threatened my friend and also grabbed my writs and demanded I go with him again, I swore and this shocked everyone as I was the quiet girl.
Anyway my ex well we went out still and for 2 1/2 years. He cheated on me several times and he also after around a year or so begun to get preassuring to have sex. After about 4 months he demanded I give him a wank in English class [he was in college by now and was helping out] and that he was to finger me. It was weird. Then he started threatening to rape me and telling me about all these weird fantasies of his. I got enrvous and well, he just threatened. Then he hit me once as my mum gave me the remote control after finishing with the TV at my home and said put something on you'll both like you should know each other by now and he said, "that's not the thing I'm interested in" and I called him a bastard and he smacked me. Then another time he came over and my parents were elsewhere. I'd played with him and him with me before, but I said I didn't want to. I sat up and he slipped his hand from the back into my pants and begun to finger me. I pushed at his chest to get him off and he scratched inside of me and I cried out, then he stopped and said I was lucky he didn't do worse and that my family was around.
A couple of months later I reported him as I mentioned to the school conciler and she mentioned to the head of care who mentioned it to me again and said I should tell mum and dad and then we all went to the police. I slipped up and talked to him through the investigation though and it was hard because I still had feelings for him and was so confused. Anyway even so my parents were pissed at me for it and I didn't blame them and I felt I was being convicted anyway as they kept asking me awkward questions.
Anyway we are separate now that was last year but I'm with Karl the other one who has done things sort of related to paedophilia [13 year old+] and I don't know, he seems to have changed but I'm going with him to help as he doesnt' want to go alone and stuff. We've had sex, but only about 2/3 months ago did I lose it to him and it was ok, it was actually ok but now it hits me and I kind of feel filthy. Throughout all this with James and Karl and stuff, I had the rep of being a whore for nothing and it made me sad and act kind of that way in the end [flirting, not sleeping around] and I love karl but to think of it i've never turned down sex and to find out if he's still like he used to be the first time we dated I'm going to turn it down several times in a row if he gets violent he's not for me and he's bad, if not then he's my love.
Pain doesn't phase me anyway, not physical, it's emotional that damages me.
Any questions, just ask. Sorry this is long but I am told I am an avid talker as well as reader and I also like to make sure it's all out. Sorry if some isn't relevant and I know it's not all that bad but it can hit a girl hard.
Adding your comment:
