The good girl kneels on dirty knees
Tears flow from her haunted eyes
Smudged face hidden by shaking hands
Sobs not so easily disguised
Hardened heart but wounds still show
Alone, no one on which to rely
Then someone reaches out to her
With a strength she could not deny
He urges her to take His hand
To rise above and learn to fly
She slowly stands as He bids
Her soul strains upwards towards the sky
Her prison cell she cannot flee
It's bars are forged from her lies
The sentence calls for punishment
The warden thrives upon her cries
“You stupid FOOL, you NEVER learn”!
Words filled with loathing and despise
Tears at her hair, claws at her chest
She curls in a ball and tries to hide
Blows rain down upon her back
Kicks break bones along her side
“There is no hope for your redemption”
“Only shame to demoralize”
Author notes
This poem touches on how depression and self-hatred are always waiting for me to let my guard down.
A contest entry
- Feeling alone? Hurting? Come express your pain! by Heavens Child.
650 points, ended September 12, 2007, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I'm The Sultan Of Sentiment! by Glasyalabolas.
700 points, ended September 28, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - "The Artist's Muse Can Be Demonic" by Auburn Sunrise.
1900 points, ended September 20, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pain. by forbidden-colour.
300 points, ended November 13, 2007, 39 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Black, White, And Shades of Gray. -Contrast- by sleepingINblackRain.
700 points, ended November 9, 2007, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for reading!
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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This is tragic yet beautiful, dark and showded. thanks for entering
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"She slowly stands as He bids
Her soul strains upwards towards the sky"
A beautiful, sad piece.
Thank you for entering.
X
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This is wonderful
I have no idea why you have not WON anything on this piece. Thank you for your entry
e
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I like how this piece comes across, rhyming well and with a good flow, but moreso the way the story is told, with hope at the start before the turnaround of pain and depression sinking back in, highlighting the fact that in our own minds, no matter how we appear to the outside world, it is ourselves that often drags us back in, or at least it feels like it and it is a circle that we feel we can never break.
Good write.
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I think all I can say is wow, thiis intrigues me. I want to read more, however I like the way you ended the poem. Has a nice flow. well done
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wow
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intriguing piece
I like the use of the cell and warden as metaphors for a variety of ailments/depressors.
It was a bit vague, and could go for many things: depression, mental illness, being tormented by your creativity, abusive relationship, etc... the list goes on and on...
I rather enjoyed some of your original and creative descriptions, especially of the cell itself (ie: "its bars are forged from her lies").
I also enjoyed your emphasis of "FOOL" and "NEVER" by capitalization.
Great write!!!
Thank you for entering!
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I love how the idea of hope is presented but immediately smashed great
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You open with strong, easily visualized imgary. Some hope is seen but gets crushed by the very one whose trying to break out, being left to live with the consequences of one's own lies. Thank you for sharing and entering.
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so sad
sad i like the illusion -
this is sim[ly amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i looove it! i love how u put it all 2gether! i last stanza was my favorite!
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wow.... no words to describe the message in this poem, the ddep thoughts and the mental image provided... simply amazing
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I was sad that you didn't keep the rhyme in the last line... it threw me off... This was good, yet not great in my opinion. You need more description and metaphors I think... This was very straight forward... thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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oh wow...can't wait for mor...flippin loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I think MasterRoss pet got their groove back.
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you still got it. this was very good.
i hope you give us more to read you
are very gifted.
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where there is despair there is also strength, and despite the pain that this work of art projects, but i cant help but be over come by the strength which is hers. never underestimate our souls perception, power, and strength. thank you for sharing.
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och,
we do make our own cages do we no? mayhap circumstance and external forces play thier parts, but they could no' evea make the walls that we do... walls that only end up fenceing us in. and whilstthere may be aid on the other side, to help us out of our cells, ultimitly, they can no help if the only tools that we provide them wi' are lies. for lies are a blunt thing, and no good for wall breaking.
so glad tht ye endevoured to share this...
i much enjoyed.
arden -
Wow... I can see why you were so eager to share this poem with me and Im glad that you did. This poem tells a story of such saddness and I can see why you said it was born out of misery... But like I said, the best poetry comes out of the worst state of mind! After I read the first line I just stopped for a second.. Every line is seeping with hurt, and pain, and grief.
It's bars are forged from her lies
I really liked this line. Although the poem is sad and packed with misery, it seems like the girl in this poem might of built her own misery by the sounds of it? Anyways, before this comment turns into a novel, I thought this was amazing, mature, great rhyme, and PACKED almost to the point of breaking, with raw, miserable, painful, emotions! Good write, thank you so much for sharing this with me!
~Kitten~
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haunting
depressing and full of old memories for me, never the less a good write.
Thanks for sharing.
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