Choked Up

I need you

I wish I could say it
I wish you could read my mind
so that you would know
when the words choke my insides
and refuse to come out

I love you

So simple; three words
Words I can't seem to fathom
I don't know what I'm doing here
You look at me, and the world fades
You wouldn't know it by watching
And I can't seem to hear myself
when I say that I don't care

Stay with me

If only it were that easy
How can I possibly get you to understand?
You don't know how hard it is
to admit these things to myself
I can't even begin to admit them to you
And yet, you know; you've always known
Can you teach me how to trust?

Give me strength

I could go on without you
for a little while
But this stubborn streak
is inspired by you
And the dwindling will
to go on is decaying
I'm empty without
just your gaze

You follow me

And I can't seem to
let myself surrender
to what we both know to be true
One display of weakness and I'm done for
You'll have me in the palm of your hand
And I won't be able
to escape you

I'd let go

But if I let myself melt into your arms,
where would that leave my insecurities?
And what would I do if you threw me away?
I'd choke back my tears and pretend to hate you,
but that won't change how broken I'd be

Biding your time

I wonder if I could ever
allow myself to trust you
You; a player of the town
setting your eyes on me,
trying to convince me that
we would be perfect together

You wait around

And I know what you see
The facade doesn't fool you,
but you play it like a game;
as if I wasn't trying
to defend myself from
getting destroyed all over again
after fighting so hard for dignity

You don't know

That's the problem; no one does
You can't understand
that going with the flow of things
might actually kill me
You have no idea about that black crater
yawning underneath me
I hide it so well from everyone,
I've even fooled myself a couple of times

Can you know?

Would you really look past the hollowed eyes,
into the person I've worked so hard to become
and see the beauty shining through?
Can I trust you with all of my secrets
and finally retire from living two lives?
What would you say if you knew me; truly knew me?

I love you

Those simple words that I've longed to hear
can't reach these deaf ears; I'm half dead already
Can you save someone already empty?
There's a hole where my heart used to be, but...
distantly, I can still hear it beating
when I think of you; when you kiss me
I let you, knowing it might be my downfall
If only you could see how deeply that longing crept

I need you

What would have happened had I been able to say it?
Those words that gag my insides and sting my eyes
with the translucent telltale signs of misery
I've tried so hard to live a normal life,
I've forgotten to feel along with it
People are supposed to be happy
For me, there is only you

And you are something I can't seem to let myself have

If only it was just the fear
It'd be so much easier...

Do you love me?