Tracing my fingers over the lines of his hoodie,
knowing that in a few minutes he'd be gone.
Feeling the emptiness of his absence before it even occured
made me feel uneasy
almost as if that moment hadn't happened.
Almost as if he hadn't whispered sadly, "I'll miss you", in my ear.
Almost as if, holding my tears back
I hadn't wanted to scream,
"I'll miss you too,
I don't want to go,
I want to stay with you
and kiss you till I get tired.
Tired of talking, of your jokes,
of your sweetness,
of that cheeky look you give me,
of being with you".
But instead whispering "me too" into his neck.
Touching only with the tips of our fingers,
for now we must go.
I feel like punching someone,
I feel like running back to him,
but he doesn't even look back.
A contest entry
- I'll Be Your Crying Shoulder ♥ Love ♥ by forbidden-colour.
530 points, ended September 22, 2007, 35 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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I know I'll always remember some of the good time my ex and I had together. Me holding him in his bed and him sighing, falling asleep and me smiling, knowing I had him. Sometimes the worst memories are those of something that have ended forever.
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Aw. It's such a sweet, sad poem. Well written and nice imagery/detail.
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"Tracing my fingers over the lines of his hoodie,
knowing that in a few minutes he'd be gone."
I did really like those two lines,
Mostly that's what I do when I hug my boyfriend and knowing wont see him for like another two weeks.
I really related to that part, and that helped!
I also liked-
"I feel like running back to him,
but he doesn't even look back. "
Very sad,
I feel like that sometimes, when you feel like somebody doesn't care.
But you'll notice one day that they probably did.
Great!
Thank you for entering.x.x.x.x
xx -
Oh, wow
I wasn't expecting this, "our last embrace"...I felt pain that it was like...I was ready to cry, wondering if you were too...idk.
I love how you started by saying, "tracing the lines of your hoodie, knowing in a minute you'll be gone," that was so...it hit me hard because I've felt his way...smelled the scent of his skin.
The last line...I wasn't really sure about, it felt like you were wanting to say more, and no matter how much you tried, you couldn't find a suffice ending...
"he doesn't even look back,
and I'm left standing, my heart still reaching out,"
or something maybe. Idk, maybe you might wanna edit. There are no grammical errors, as far as I can see, (I'm kinda blind) and your heart is heavy yet lighter.
I hope this isn't true, because it's horrible to feel this way.
Good job, going on my favs. list. -
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Yeah, this did actually happen.... And you're right I did want to say more, but he didnt look back. I had to leave it like that to cut it off, like i was cut off at that moment..:S:S
Thank you for returning the favour and commenting on one of my poems!!
Maria
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wonderful
really well written mi mi!!!
when i was reading it the tension your discibing was building up inside me! heart felt and pure!!
wel done
one of my favorites of your poems!! -
Ditto :-[
Fuckers... yup I've been der!! Nd dat hoodie omg... I just want 2 smell dat boy/deoderant/washed hoodie smell guys av!! -
lost love sad and pain
and words never help
you did a great job on this poem
iam out of points so ill send you my thoughts
loved this -
Sadly, here in England, "hoodies" is a derisive term for that group of our underclass who thieve, damage, rape, knife and generally make an unholy nuisance of themselves (with their hoods up of course so that our CCTV cameras won't catch sight of their evil faces.) This makes this poem rather more poignant (someone must love a hoodie somewhere) and for me has death as the ending. Nicely done and thank you for sharing.
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this is so sad. its really good though because i think we have all had at least 1 relationship that ended even though we didnt really want it to.
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I feel the sadness and longing crying out from this piece. Longing to stay in his arms forever, but knowing you have to go where life is calling you. Very deep are the emotions that touched my heart and left me sighing. I felt that aching inside as I remembered younger times when the family moved and I had to leave someone. You filled this with amazing imagery and it flowed effortlessly. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful piece with all of us and best wishes in the contest. Love always, Auntie Joyce
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Vey good.
This to me says all that could be said for that moment. I liked the last part best. I usually write these center aligned as I like symmetry but that's just me. I think the hardest thing one can go through is the loss of a loved one and your poem did a fine job of expressing your sentiment. Thank you. Rich .
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I'll listen to you then, I was in a hurry last night!! thanks for commenting!
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Aw man this is sad. Very good poem. But really sad. It almost brought a tear to my eye. The way you worded it is very good. I can feel the pain and lost.
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very sad
My first impression is that this piece is just so sad. Emotionally I feel sorry for this girl because I have been there and had to say ggodby to someone, the words in this piece explain the feelings very well. As a conversation this would not be awkward, and I guess that is what prose is kind of like, for I'm not sure exactually what prose is. I write rhymes because I do not know how to write anything else. I would not know how to critique this piece as to what if anything should be changed. I like the title it is perfect. The first line is OK however this is something else I don't know, what is a hoodie? the last lineis the perfect ending for this piece. Over all I thought it was good.
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A hoodie is a sweatshirt with a hood on it.
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