in dense
Montana heat, the jeep musty,
smelling of oil, sweat, and age.
I skip
school for those two days,
alone with Dad, sleeping in decaying motels
where floors
feel slick with thin linoleum, and windows
glow behind crepe-paper drapes, and
single
burner kitchenettes transform expired army
C-rations into exotic feasts, and
rusted
bed frames support old-fashioned
metal springs that moan when my
eighty
pounds and Dad’s one-eighty
shift. At dawn, we load the jeep,
hunker
against an early chill, and set out for the
boondocks, Dad to hunt elusive
bench marks
and pace off invisible section lines; me to watch
and etch each shifting outline in
my mind,
store them to relive once we two
return and reassume our separate lives.
A contest entry
- An AllPoetry Extravaganza-3 Month Gold and Silver Membership by Violet Moodswing.
3000 points, ended September 11, 2007, 28 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A chance for gold by Virgoan.
500 points, ended September 24, 2007, 49 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Beautiful narration. A picturesque scene.
Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best in the contest.
>>VIRGOAN
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I love the story your poem tells as well as the underlying realization that we are often never able to be as close to our fathers as we would like without shirking a responsibility here and there.
Best of luck in the contest. -
.
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Thanks so much for your entry in the Allpoetry Extravaganza contest. Nicely done - not sure of the arrangement but it may well add to the effect. Best of luck in the contest.
Paul -
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thanks. I'm intrigued by the empty white space between stanzas that paradoxically has to be filled with something, since the grammar/syntax requires it; then the two syllables that have time to do little more the spin into the next line.
I've played with the form for years; some poem just fall naturally into that rhythm. Thanks for noticing--it is a bit odd.
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Very nicely done.
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Thanks for your entry into the Legacy contest - enjoyed this, good pacing and just enough to let us in but not club us over the head
Good job.
Lisa -
well written imagery taking me for the journey.
Thank you.
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This is good--really good. It reminds me of a Stafford poem and he is my favorite all-time poet. Great poem and good luck in the contest!
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not complete
what is your dad doing?
you have not told us about your dad
what type of a person was he
you have not told us about you and what
your feelings were.
you have not tied your feelings and your fathers
description into some sort of larger venue.
you might as well have simply put all the nouns down
and left out all the rest of the language except
for the few verbs and adjectives and not connected
a thing.
I am real angry because I want to know the important
things - or am I to assume that this is your recollection of a time you spent with your father and it was normal for you two to not talk? If that is the case then complain so you do not have to go into therapy years from now.
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