Once upon a time I had a buddy
Friendly, kind, warm and cuddly
My buddy was my brother bear
He gave me courage, love and care
My buddy now has gone away
Oh I wish that he could stay
In heaven is where he is staying
I talk to him each time I’m praying
When I’m alone and start to stare
And think about my brother bear
And if there is nothing I cant see
He’s looking down right now at me
Author notes
This poem is to everyone that have lost a brother...
A contest entry
- RIP My Brother (Contest) by Child of an Angel.
475 points, ended August 20, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Great!!! This is a very sad poem. The rhyming was quite well done in my opinion and I liked the play with the brother bear. The flow of the poem gets intterupted in the second line of the second stanza I would maybe suggest that you put a comma after the Oh, to put a pause as to help with the flow.
Good one!
Luv
Heh
-
A very good piece Daiz, i really did enjoy readin it. it flowed very well in most places and had a great tone to it, although perhaps i have not felt it in the intended way.
Can I suggest that you change line seven to "In heaven now is where he' staying" jusst so that the readers tongue finds it a litle more natural. And also i think that you could tinker with the final verse a little. perhaps...
For When I’m lone I start to stare
And think about my brother bear
Although there's nothing I can see
I know he's looking down at me.
Thats not perfect but its something for you too think about, hope to catch you soon hun and thanks for the read.
-
I love this for myself, it is sweet and endearing and good. Just not on topic for my contest, and im sorry for that. Thank you for sharing though, a wodnerful write!!!
Always
Emily
Adding your comment:
