Light fades from existence.
Sound fades to echoes unheard.
Sight, blurred and then blind.
Body goes numb to the bone.
The moment stands still.
You realize you're alone.
Standing in a dark abyss
of nothingness.
You scream only to hear
the laughter of your echoes.
You scream again- but nothing.
You feel empty inside.
You begin to walk. Then run.
Are you going anywhere?
You've always lived life
one moment at a time.
You've lived it for nobody
other than yourself.
You've always thought
that you were alone.
There were times you thought
that nobody cared about you.
Times you may have thought
that nobody was listening
when you cried out for help.
Times you may have thought
that there was no way out.
It is only in the plains
of this hollow void
that you finally realized
that after all of these years
you were never really alone.
After all of these years
you can finally feel
that resting hand on your shoulder.
You used to feel alone.
You used to feel avoided.
You have realized now that
you've always had a guiding hand.
The hand of God rests
lightly upon your shoulder.
It lets you know He's listening.
He's listening when others aren't.
You never have to feel alone.
Now that you know He's there,
you never have to feel avoided.
God is there to guide you
to a world of riches and happiness.
So take His hand and put your trust,
your fears, and all doubts-
in Him.
Author notes
This is a piece I thought was worth posting on here. I haven't posted much on here lately, but I think now is as good a time as any to start posting.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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i like this. it made my stomach tighten at first, and then when i read the last two verses, i just felt genuinely relieved and safe. i love God. and i love that you can acknowledge Him in your poetry, and use the talent He gave you to exalt Him!
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awww wow, this is very good, a real treasure to read, and full of emotions and all, wonderfully done and keep it up
takecare
stephanie
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Good poem
Strong poem of emotion. You're timing and line breaks are pretty good. I liked the images of running and being in nothingness in the beginning. Not to beat a dead horse, but consider a more succinct style.
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Excellent
I have to agree with Celtic, this one is a bit wordy. But I am more of a word choice guy myself though. Good poem though. ~Peace~Gary -
i WAS CUT OFF
ONE NEVER KNOWS WHO IS IN NEED OF HELP TODAY. WAS THIS TREASURE FOR ME OR ANOTHER ONE IN NEED TODAY. THANK YOU KINDLY EVER SO MUCH..OLD MAC PART 2
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THERE IS AN INTER VOICE THAT TELL ONE IT IS TIME TO PUT ONE OUT THER.E
PART 1 -
Isolation / lonlieness definitely sucks. Something I've struggled with all my life...but just knowing God is in my life makes it easier to handle and get through the day.
I thought that your poem did an excellent job of describing that idea and conveying the message that if we are with God, we are never truely alone.
A wonderful write indeed!
Cheers!
S -
You asked for critical review of this, so I'll try to give you that. First, I would like to compliment you (not critical review, I know!) on the use and consistency of second person point of view. That is rarely done and you did it well. Kudos.
The only real criticism I have is that it is a bit wordy. I think you could probably eliminate a large number of words and it would just make it easier to read. One tends to get lost in the words and as you scroll down the page, begin to wonder just how long it is. I don't have anything against long poems (that's what I mostly write), just wordy long poems.
For example, in your first line, you say "Light fades from existence." Well, you could shorten that to "Light fades" and it would basically mean the same thing. Then, in that stanza, rather than having each line a separate sentence with a full stop at the end, you could connect at least the first three with commas and leave out a word or two on each line. Like this:
Light fades,
and sound to echoes unheard,
sight, blurred then blind.
I think you also need to watch using the same word in successive or closely succeeding lines that aren't part of an obvious repetitive device. Words such as 'fades' in the first stanza, 'echoes' in the first and second stanza, 'alone' in every stanza but two, etc.
I think you've nailed the feeling of isolation that we so often feel and have also arrived at the only answer that works. It does get just a bit preachy in the last couple of stanzas. You might want to work on that. The advice is sound; just a different way of saying it.
I really like your lines "It is only in the plains/of this hollow void - except that hollow and void could be considered redundant. Oh phooey, I just wanted to compliment those words. Now, I think you should leave out hollow. Well, I still like the image those ines presents, anyway.
Nice write. I enjoyed it very much. celtic queen
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" God is there to guide you
to a world of riches and happiness.
So take His hand and put your trust,
your fears, and all doubts-
in Him ".
I really love those lines.
I believe every word,
I feel every word.
This is such a lovely and hopeful piece of poetry.
loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
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You carry on the words well, did you mean to use "fade" twice in the first two lines though?
The message could've been fairly touching to me, except you use the second person throughout the entire poem, so a lot of the things that you claim I feel are really lost on me, cause not everyone feels that way.
Keep up the good work, I'd love to hear this in rhyme and perhaps third or first person. -
Wonderful message!!
This is like a warm blanket comforting the suffering or weak. I like the message that no matter where you are or what's happening you are never alone. Everyone needs to hear that God is watching out for them. Anyway, this was a great write with a nice soothing message. Take care, T.S.
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Oh...Oh thank you for writing this. I've been going through alot of medical stuff and with all the imagery used its as if the poem is speaking directly to meabout it. You have no idea how much I needed to read this right now. Bless You
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I am not Christain but I found this poem very nice. It's nice to know that someone is there beside you whether you can see them or not. We all feel alone and scared at some point in our life, but we must all remember that there is someone or something always with us. Whether it be God, Goddess, Angels, or simply spirit there is always someone watching over us.
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This poem flows soft & Powerful its words
You did a great job! This poem flows speaking as if
whispering but with powerful words and meaning.
Your poem reaches into the heart especially speaking to
those whose hearts are so attached to their feelings
that they are "detached" from feeling God. Perhaps
you could draw them in closer to awareness of God by
expanding the word God.
Stanza: The hand of God rests upon your shoulder..
you could softly expand and draw us closer to God,
to describe his hand or his spirit of love..rests
lightly upon your shoulder.
Open up just a little more to your final stanza
God is there to guide you.."to a world of riches
and happiness" the poem speaks of feeling alone
and seperate-ness, open up your heart a little more,
to define the riches and happiness on a more spiritual
level. I know you can do it!
You have smooth flowing words that have the power
to break through detachment and bring us closer
to awareness of his presence.
We're all on this journey together, thankyou for
your inspiration and soft spoken words that are
very powerful.
ears2hearyou
Kathleen
p.s. post it all, we're all on here to learn and
grow. Some in this world believe that when they
pray they get immediate answers like the immediate
delivery of fast food, and God is like a cashier.
Sometimes God wants his children to walk through
their journeys of aloneness and pain so that they
learn to strengthen their inner spirits to help
others along the way. See you on the path!
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This is tremendous writing and so guiding!! The poem is wholesome and i can't take one line away! I have guidance from God and my husband i love beyond the immensity of the sky, both. This love/guidance is receiving direction, especially if u are caught in a sudden blinding storm
Visibility with God is unlimited. Heartbeats for my husband are unlimited There is a way to snuggle between earth and heaven. I find this sort of surrender when i read you, and the essence of it gauges our position. One day at a time and life holds much so be happy always. God bless.
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Holy crap, it's Theo!!
It's about time you posted another write, Mister.
And, as is the usual with you, you've produced a power and moving piece of writing with a wonderful message behind it. Keep it up.
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