There is evil inside me. Pure evil. Unjustifiable.
[My mind has opened itself to the universe. There is nothing between us. I have mingled with it, with its inexplicableness, tested it tentatively. And now, am merged...]
Evil has seeped through gashes in my pitiful façade…….and I bask in its unforgivableness…..This is me. Me? Cruelty laced my words with searing venom. Was there pain, perhaps? I did not care. I had to vent the morbidness of my feelings, insanity was mine but, maybe, I still had a chance?
We try to survive. We try not to feel pain. The need to hurt yourself seems absurd, almost unrealistic; un-human, in a way. I am not talking of emo. To abuse yourself emotionally is excruciatingly painful…and sadistic.But, this is within me, a part of me, and I exult in it.
My flaws are many, and I do not ask for forgiveness. I disown my human-ness. Yet, I contradict myself when I let myself destroy a person’s mind and forgive myself. Or pretend to.
He, whom I belong to, must belong to me. If betrayed, I will bring forth the destruction of life, of love. A death dance that shall extirpate all. And I shall not weep. If this is madness, I AM…..mad.
I am blind. And do not foresee. Neither does the past and its memories reverberate in me. I have no needs, I am fulfilled….complete. And perfect. Who dares defy me? It is rage that gives me the desire to live…..I do not hate. It is too petty an emotion for the perfect. What emanates from me is a manifestation of my life force. I do not judge the good or bad. There is perfection in every nuance of my being….I am impeccable. Immaculate. I am the force. The energy that invigorates and annihilates life. I own their souls. They pay obeisance to me.
And I am helpless……….
My love proves insipid. Powerless, before corruption. Of the mind and the soul. Impurity that cannot be cleansed because it glorifies. Shall I, then, damn them? There was a day when my soul would brim with indefinable compassion. An understanding that humans err. And there are reasons. The worst deserve to be forgiven for we are all victims of our instincts. Atavistic tendencies that are the legacy of our ancestors. We bond in the surreptious knowledge that we breed evil. But, I am bereft of such human-ness, now. I cannot see beyond the blackened exteriors…….I sense their petrified souls. I see no desire to heal. Now, I too am cruel. I am evil. And, yet, I am me………….
I have unlearned hate. I lie…………
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