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*~ Talk of Treasures *~

 

 

On his fragile flesh,
I inscribe thoughts through touch
with my initials inside,  around
the heart of heaven.

Sunshine sends Love,
which flows freely,  repeatedly, daily

like petals to flower

we inhale in breath
but energetically
absorb each other until satiated.

Hand in hand I hold
his vision close to venture forward
with knowledge and keep open
mind also Spirit which speaks
of him as other half
who completes me whole.

Our ideas integrate
and finish puzzle,  fill spaces
so gaps are gone also parts of self
form to fit.

He is a dream we take together
to tops of mountains and float as feather,
onto Sacred ground in search
of inner child that wants to play.

The wall which holds our words,
written in ink from lover's veins
talk of treasures we have found
in each other.

Each opportunity given,  I offer
a gift with gratitude for this blessing
before my eyes who inspires,  injects
his essence through Light left
tattooed on flesh.




  

 

Author notes

for my AP Hubby penman who brings
blessings into my Life~

Sunshine reference...
My nickname is Sunshine...
Woooo Hooooo

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • trista gold member
    December 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this is a beautiful dedication type poem. What I love most is that instead of giving your readers a list of his virtues as so many poems of this nature do, you tell what and who you are to each other, and keep it in a poetic voice. Very nicely done.

    There isn’t much here I have a problem with outside of a line break and some minor punctuation issues. You may want to read through this and look at your comma use in general. One good way to see if they are placed correctly is to write the lines out, and punctuate the same way you would if it were a sentence. I know some may be placed to influence the pace of the poem, but it can make for awkward or even misunderstandings of your thoughts. One example:
    “He is a dream, we take together
    to tops of mountains and float as feather,
    By putting the comma after “dream” it separates the verb and makes me wonder what you actually take together to the mountains, if not the dream. I’m not sure if I’m explaining that very well, but hopefully it makes sense...

    I also question breaking “open/mind” in that stanza. It interrupted the flow by first making me think “open” was a verb, but then realizing it’s an adjective describing “mind”. (If I understood it correctly) I had to back up a step to get what I believed was the proper meaning.

    Is there any reason you used past tense in stanza 1 ( “I inscribed” instead of “I inscribe" ) when the rest of the poem (“I hold” and “Our ideas integrate”, for example) is in present tense?

    Lastly, the second stanza didn’t fit with the rest of the poem, IMO. Everything else talks about the two of you, so...where does sunshine fit in, and why is it sending love instead of you?

    You have some very solid and concrete images, such as inscribing thoughts on flesh and the lines about the puzzle. I found your alliteration, assonance, and consonance perfectly balanced to where it gives this musicality without overwhelming the poem and bringing more attention to the wording than the message. Also a nice balance of “show” and “tell”. I’ve noticed before that you have a very unique voice in your poetry. I think some of the people who aren’t familiar with your work may have a difficult time with it at first because it doesn’t always seem grammatically correct when the word “the” is taken out, but I find that “trimmed down” method of writing really beautiful.

    The strengths of this poem far outweigh any of the minor tweaks that I believe could be made. And of course keeping in mind these are only my opinions.

    Thanks so much for a lovely entry, and good luck to you.

    Best wishes,
    ~J.


    • Desire gold member
      December 20, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      and Thank You bunches for the in depth review and You can see punctuation is not one of my strengths

      I used to not use them for I just wrote and went...zoooooooooooooom...

      just like I talk...I at time will breathe
      or try to

      Good question about the second stanza...Sunshine....
      That is my nickname

      I probably should have mentioned that in the AC

      I'll work on the tenses...
      In English...I hid under the desk

      Appreciate Your time Sweet Soul
      Have a Blessed day!!
      Woooooooo Hoooooooooo

      Off to go and tweak it

      -runs and trips-


  • Virgoan
    August 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my!

    My favorite lines:

    The wall which holds our words,
    written in ink from lover's veins
    talk of treasures we have found
    in each other.

    The way you render the words exuded truthfulness. I love how you give the life in this piece.

    Thanks so much for sharing and best of luck my friend

    >>>VIRGOAN


  • Lost-Rose-Petal
    August 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    aaaawww this is soo sweet! thanks for entering! You are an amazing poet!! Your form kinda threw me off a bit and make me concentrate harder but the choice of words were amazing. Awesome write and good luck in my contest!
    MINDIE


  • HaleyMary
    August 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful write. This piece makes me think of how there is nothing more a person should cherish in life than love. Love is so important and should always be cherished. Good luck in the contest.


  • penman gold member
    August 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Incredible

    Awww, darling you just melted my heart with your words. They reach so deep into the soul. Touch me to intently beyond what I could ever say. thank you sweetheart for this beautiful creation from your golden soul.


  • StarEyes
    August 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This, this is beyond beautiful, and sounds like me in some ways. As you know, this is just amazing, and well all i am gonna say is I know what you mean! I can relate to those feelings, and well yeah.......

    Best of luck in this contest!!!

    and much love

    Nettie

1 - 7 of 7