You're nothing but an amphetamine whore
Since the day they took your toxic dreams
[remember, it was for your own good]
You live in your own camouflage
Of ripped fish-nets and cigarettes
and from the lucky jewel you used to be
They brought you down to zero
The thunderclouds rain,
[[starburst and skittles]]
All over your oh-so-perfect lies
[they wondered why you were being so surreptitious]
Did you really think you were that lucky?
~AmphetamineWhore--x
Author notes
SherriCYANIDE
Option [5]
x.x.x
A contest entry
- LuckyCharms & BrokenHearts by Dead Star--x.
550 points, ended September 6, 2007, 17 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Wow. I really loved this write. I can identify with it in that I am pretty heavy into amphetamines and uppers... I practically thrive off of them... Haven't had any in about a week
But nonetheless, this was a wonderful piece!
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Room for improvement
There's certainly room for improvement, but with that said, I've seen much worse.
From one poet to another, here's what I think could use improvement. There's a lot of it, but please do not take this as a criticism of yourself, only as constructive criticism of your piece:
The subject matter is an image that's pretty worn out, and you used imagery that conformed to current trends. Lack of originality has always been something I've found disappointing in poetry. It's okay to approach an image that's been done many times before, but try to see it through your own eyes, rather than regurgitate what you've seen in the media (for example, cigarette smoke and fishnets are frequently used to construct a character like this, and "toxic dreams" and the image of raining candy are worn out scene images).
Your punctuation, like the "[[/]]" and "--x" makes it seem like you're trying too hard to be trendy. It's scene myspace speak, and it doesn't do anything for your poem. I'd try to avoid this kind of punctuation if I were you, unless you're writing a piece about the scene and want to reflect it, or are using it in parody. As is also trendy in this sort of culture, you said some things that gave the impression of being completely irrelevant to the poem. This can work sometimes, but I didn't feel you really pulled it off, it just seemed meaningless. I mainly refer to the line "Did you really think you were that lucky?"
Also, the one comma you used was in a place where you didn't need a comma. Again, it's a scene thing - it's trendy right now to put a comma in the middle of a sentence where you don't need one, but I didn't feel it was appropriate in this case.
Try either using more punctuation, or not using it at all. Your use of capitals was erratic too, and lack of consistency means it neither made a point one way or the other. E.g.:
"You live in your own camouflage
Of ripped fish-nets and cigarettes
and from the lucky jewel you used to be
They brought you down to zero"
Should either be:
You live in your own camouflage
Of ripped fish-nets and cigarettes
And from the lucky jewel you used to be
They brought you down to zero
(Capitals at the start of every line, giving a strong, definite feel to the poem)
or:
You live in your own camouflage
of ripped fish-nets and cigarettes
and from the lucky jewel you used to be
they brought you down to zero
(As it's all one sentence, the start of the sentence has a capital)
Or, if you're going for an artsy, low-self-esteem look:
you live in your own camouflage
of ripped fish-nets and cigarettes
and from the lucky jewel you used to be
they brought you down to zero
With all that said though, keep practicing. You seem to have the basic intelligence it takes to become a brilliant writer, I see potential in this piece.
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i think it. its different to most stuff i have read but it was very well written. the added glitter(punctuation) really added to the effect of the poem! loved it.
keep writting my little F.U.T.
love always HB
xoxoxoxoxox
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This one was very tasteful. Loved the brutality and truth that just came out and you told her [or the persona] who they really are and make no mistake, as they have come to be what they made themself. Nicely written, keep expressing ♥
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first i love that title-ALOT my favorite stanza was the the second one & tje line with ripped fish nets & cigarettes - i just love how that flowed so well together
anyway welcome to the finalists good luck
CureMyTragedy♥
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