she held my hand like ghandi,
leading me through cloud- like pagodas that momentarily
had me believing in peace.
i held my eyes as though they wouldn't burn,
feeling for once a truth was spoken
without intent.
i kept my stare on it, praying that it would never
leave these palms.
i was still a child, and your words were my balloon.
i feared them gazing down at me,
in the sky for other ghosts to see.
just maybe i didn't want to share you with an angel,
and maybe that's why i am the way i am today;
so closed with neon signs
unlit.
A contest entry
- anything. by hilly.
300 points, ended August 30, 2007, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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dont worry bout it dude. u did the same for me.
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very powerful. you have done a great job! i love the last stanza because you bring it together so well!
Congrats dude!
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thank you very much man.
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brilliant.
love your style.
the part that resonated with me the most was probably:
"just maybe i didn't want to share you with an angel,
and maybe that's why i am the way i am today;
so closed with neon signs"
simply marvelous, you're really talented.
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Wow, intensely powerful. Your ending is genius...and really left an impact.
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gorgeous, you have a way with words man, good write. and good luck.
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thank you very much.
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Nice, really some beautiful imagery. You use common metaphors, but in such a way that this doesn't come across as cliched to me. Kudos.
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Wow. This was simply beautiful.
Great job!
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Well, everyone else seems to have praised this poem inside and out already, so i will just simply say it was excellent.
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thank you very much.
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Some of your best. You know, you really shouldn't be afraid of using metaphor more, when you do use it, you handle it so well, and it really adds layers to your poems.
"i held my eyes as though they wouldn't burn, " <--- I love sentences like this, at once unexpected and yet sounding obvious. Nice.
"i was still a child, and your words were my balloon.
i feared them gazing down at me,
in the sky for other ghosts to see. "
See?! You handle images so well!!
"so closed with neon signs
unlit."
If there's one thing that's kind of hit or miss for me about your poems, it's your endings- they usually either are too sudden, or they try too hard. This one was excellent. Wrapped things up, tied into things and yet left the reader with a new though, and had the emotional equivalent of a slammed door in my face... in the good way.
This is one of my favorites of yours!
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thank you very much, man. i appreciate it a lot, and will definitely take your critique(s) into consideration for future writes.
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This reminds me of a poem I read awhile back, it was so great. It had a line in it, "oh how this neon disease sweats out in the night." I always think of that when I read "neon."
The first stanza is my favorite. The imagery is strongest there, and it's most relatable. I think it's easy to get caught up in perfection when other people are throwing the idea at you like you have to adapt. It absorbs with time. But it sweats out too. And that's when you write a poem about your realizations.
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thank you very much.
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the first three lines are very captivating, i can actually see Ghandi walking with you ... it's all very nice.
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thank you very much.
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to hold the hand of Ghandi
that's an image
excellent imagery
you have me wondering where these neon lights are
perhaps the pearly gates have been modernized
and we no there are no exit signs...lol
best wishes j
peace Muddy
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thank you very much richard. how have you been?
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you know me...it's all good
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