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Breakfast at Lennys

 

I sit alone patiently in a dense early morning fog

waiting for something to poke its head up in a murky bog.

Hunger's a lonely thing I've endured many times before

and I'll sit long enough to find just what I'm looking for.

.

"Survival of the fittest" is how this game is to be played

keeping both of your eyes open and favoritism unswayed.

The morning sun rises along with a revolting stagnant air

as afew whippoorwill stand silently watching me prepare.

.

Continuing to look on for the next meal to come around

and I'm not picky, even if it's decaying upon the ground.

Life has not always been fair for this acient bird of prey

knowing I will be "Somethings" morning meal someday!

                                                             

 

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • saartha
    August 18, 2007

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    Thanks for your submission.

    The rhyme scheme was fairly well done-- no overly clichéd rhymes, thank god.

    The last line of the first stanza was a little rough. The comma isn't necessary. It should be 'and it's not', but I think if I were to rewrite this poem I'd take out the line all together and find something else to rhyme with 'before'. It's a break from the style of the poem, and it fits very strangely with the surrounding lines.

    The fifth line should probably be: 'Survival of the fittest' is how the game is played...I think. The sentence structure is a little weird, so I'm not entirely positive how the punctuation should be.

    I think you use the word 'this' too often. This early morning, this murky bog, this stagnant air. I think it detracts a little from the poem.

    Whippoorwill's = whippoorwills.

    No comma needed after 'continuing to look'.
    The ellipses on the last line feels strange. I think it would be better without.

    Thanks again for the submission


  • tawk gold member
    August 18, 2007

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    Wow, what wonderful and amazing imagery throughout. I love the picture too. Just brilliant as always


  • dustookie2
    August 17, 2007

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    As the dawn breaks outside my window I feel the inspirational messages for life within your lines....patient Without getting too full of your own self importance Your introduction sets up the atmosphere as you paint with imagery the frame of mind as you direct If only I could put the feed me's out on a branch Nice rhyme pattern and feel to this post.Thank you for the pleasure


  • moon2u
    August 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    such a clever man
    and a wonderful writer
    yes, this one is a winner for sure


  • whispersoftly
    August 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    gentle

    this write is gentle and soft and lobely but calm and peaceful, written beautifully as always sweetheart well done xx cheryl

1 - 5 of 5