My heart stops beating
My mind starts sinking
my brain is empthy
Darkness dancing around me
my eyes are blank
i can't feel any pain
i can't feel anything
i can't feel your touch
i can't hear you call me
i can't see a thing
does it mean i am dead???
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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Perhaps you are sleeping. Hehe, just kidding. You have an interesting flow about this poem. Perhaps its a certain rhythm. I'm not really sure.
Great write.
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You could do this so much better.
The repetitious sentence structure kills this. I mean, it's bland and doesn't really convey what you're trying to say. The boring, dry vocabulary doesn't help either. Remember, images convey more than mere words can.
--Cristina -
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ha thanks for that to tell the truth i don't think when i write so it can be abt anything and my spelling sux too u forgot to mention it my friend wanted me to do a repetition this is when i started out repetition ha i suck at it either way thanks for the help
love ya
your friend -
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I know what you mean, and hey, repetition can be amazing. T.S. Eliot's use of it in "The Waste Land" is astounding... but I could praise that piece all day, lol.
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ha thanks i'll try this one i didn't try at all
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This is great,
i know this feeling of empty numbness
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so u understand me that's cool
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i do, how come you feel like that neways?
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cause i never have time to help myself seeing how i am always helpin others and y do u feel that way???
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because im emotionally cold, i rarley feel anything other than numbness, its hard to explain. but i veiw most things as disposable liabilities. (cold and harsh but thats me)
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i no how u feel but still shouldn't u have even a little concern abt wut's going on with u and others around u???
but i think u r an awesome person no matter how u r -
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I have concern yes but it doesnt change my views, i seen to much hurt and endless lies, my will to live dissapeared at one point and i became suicidal, so being cold is better than being dead me thinks?
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oh that's sad then
if u need a friend to trust or something u can count on me ok?? -
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thanks, il remember that
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no problem
so tell a little abt the bad part of your life
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Wow dude, this is awesome
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thanks
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wow...i know the feeling of being empty inside
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seriously when what happened?
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i dunno...i just cant explain...its weird...but now adays i feel empty inside as if i were dead..
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don't worry a lot of us feel that way inside
but yet we r still living
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Hmm... I like this... I know what it's like to be numb to everything... it sucks... but yeah, good work! keep it up!
Crimson -
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thank u very much
sorry i am late i just got the chance to see what ppl think abt my writting thanks again
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ooo
i very much like that, i had the same kind of thought the other day...nice write =) -
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wow u ok?
anything troubling u?
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I would imagine this is what death feels like, I'm glad I'm alive, Nice feelings, or should I say, lack of em, heeee
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thanks for the comment tony lol
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very good, i like it. make you stop and think, good one
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thanx
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oh yah i forgot..please use spell check..its free you kno
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kool.. well you and death has some twisted relation,
so you taken my advise in to action .. its kool, this is a great start.. i loved your direct description or more like information, it just makes easy to relate and its fast moving.. no melodrama..
now i will give you another suggestion, use imagery with this type of writes, its very simple.. you just have to describe..
now what to describe is up to you.. you can describe the scenario or scenary, you can describe the feelings such happy anger by using Similes, metaphors( what ever your are comfortable).. these are tools which gives a sense of direction and smooths out the edges from the poem.. I use imagery to make things stand out, like what i am feeling and why,how exactly i am feeling and forsense of time.. like changes in season or day and night, even in swings of moods like happy and sad.. and its best if you want to grab attention, like i know most readers are not bothered of my life but they might be bothered of an animal or a plant or a thing.. they appeal more.. so if you relate it to them, more the people will relate it to you ot to themsleves..
well give this a try and go nuts
cya.. if you need any help, ask me..i will do what ever in my best
abuyi
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thanx and i'll try it and the spelling thing u no i am too lazy to do that
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u cant use that as an excuse.."i am lazy ohh "
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well i am and its true that's my excuse
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lolz..ok.. just try okay... u just cant go on like that..i am lazy
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yes i can
even my teachers buy it but i still get in trouble -
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haha.. ur teachers r nice..mine will kick me ass off
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lol why do u say that?
but i'd still be in trouble
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Sounds like you have been mistreated in your life my child. You are an unhappy little girl with alot of scars. You are not dead, you are beautiful and so are your poems.
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thnaks for the comment
and thanks for reading
love
your friend
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Well done on an interesting subject. A few mistakes here and there like: my brain is empthy
I think you mean empty. The last line also sounds a little odd - "does it..." "does this..." makes a little more sense, but that's just my thought.
Overall great job though. Cheers.
~dan
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thanks dan
and yeah i no i make mistakes all the time well usually cause i don't go over my stuff
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