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The Thorazine Shuffle

Whispers from the clouds
echo in the courtyard
as deranged dancers are muffled.
They step madly in a mental march
to the tune of a Thorazine shuffle.


A chemical cure in a needle prick
waiting...

Food throwing fools in need of
sedating...


Out in the courtyard,
down to the butt
a cigarette burns in a Bipolar hand
and psychotic artists with brown acid eyes
sketch UFO's in the ashes of sand.


The dance continues in needle streamed
pools...

Milk cartons and pudding still thrown
by the fools...


And white coated pill pushers
are amused by the sight.
In the courtyard there
on a bright sunshine night
the straight jacket warriors
battle the bricks
in a screaming debate
over Tootsie Pop licks.

(How many does it really take?)

Lunatics celebrate at sanity's wake
and dance with their friends
who are not really there...

Inside of the courtyard
where all sounds are muffled
except for the march
of the Thorazine shuffle.

Author notes

For those that don't know:

"The Thorazine Shuffle" is a slang term used to describe the way this particular anti-psychotic drug has been known to cause a person to drag their feet... walking in a slow, shuffling fashion.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Nam
    October 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "on a bright sunshine night"

    I had a problem with the fluidity of this line, going with the line above it for the rhyme. It doesn't flow like that one, I feel that perhaps this could be worked on, to help in the fluidity.

    "(How many does it really take?)"

    This line isn't needed. The thought, for the reader, is almost certainly already there (except for those who do not know what Tootsie Roll Pop's are), and so really, there's no need for the line. If you do decide to remove it, the line after it can work without the rhyme.

    A great piece that you have written here.


    • Abbey Normal
      October 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for the honorable award, Nam... and for taking time to give such wonderful advice on this piece.

      Looking forward to seeing more contests from you in the future...

      -Abbey Normal




    • Abbey Normal
      October 16, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      You know, I adore your comments. They are usually the only one's I get that actually have advice about how I can better my writing.

      Thank you very much for your constructive critcism, Nam. I truly apprecitate it.

      Ps. About that extra line... I was concerned some might not know what a Tootise Pop was without it. It's not really my style to put such a line in a poem. I will definately consider revisions here.

      Thanks again...


  • James Dean
    August 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Lines 12-16 'a cigarette ... pools' AMAZING! Love the title baby!!! 22-26 [on a bright sunshine ... licks] probably my favourite rhymining lines of yours.


  • AshtrayBaby
    August 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my God.
    I feel proud because I think I mildly inspired this.

    (If I didn't, don't tell me. A girl can dream, can't she?)

    Anywayzzzzzzz, FINALLY! Something good. Fuck. I thought all talent was gone for a second.

    I asked for CRAZY writes! Why is this the only one I've gotten thus far?

    I mean, seriously.

    I'm being attacked by high point-contest vultures. It's pathetic really. They send me in their crappy poem and then expect me to NOT delete it.

    Okay. Back to the review.

    "Out in the courtyard,
    down to the butt
    a cigarette burns in a Bipolar hand
    and psychotic artists with brown acid eyes
    sketch UFO's in the ashes of sand."

    OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!

    I LOVED THAT!

    Seriously.

    Why didn't I think of that? UFOs in the sand. Jesus.
    What is WRONG with me?!


    • Abbey Normal
      August 22, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      As a matter of fact, your work has inspired much of this piece. There is an insanity in your writing that I admire greatly. So...

      "Don't dream it. Be it."

      Thank you so much your generous comments on this piece, and for the silver. I'm sorry the contest didn't go quite as you'd hoped. Maybe the next one will be better.

      Looking forward to seeing more contests from you in the future. I found this one very intriguing and fun to be a part of.

      Thanks again...

      Stay Sane,
      Chrissy

  • Suzanne Dia
    August 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Thorazine shuffle reminds me of the High Heel Stomp. Every morning as I wait for the elevator to come to work, women come through clomping and stomping...like some strange army of workers who are required to step harder and faster than the one before..

    I am not sure which is less appealing, at least the thorazine shuffle seems to offer some sort of expression (psychotic though it tends to be).


    • Abbey Normal
      August 17, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      I'd perfer the Thorazine shuffle to a mad clopping of high heeled workers any day. It's more quiet anyway, but probably just as annoying.

      Thanks for commenting here.

      Long time no see, Mysty... I hope all is well with you!

1 - 10 of 10