It was an odd feeling. To see yourself outside of your body. Watching everything you do, as if looking on from someone else's eyes. But I found myself doing it alot. I'm not sure if it was because I was afraid I'd make a fool of myself, or because I wanted to see myself how others saw me, but I knew I had some motive behind it. And I kept on with it. A strange one, I am. I'd known I was different all my life, but watching myself as I've been lately, I see it plain as day. I wonder if people really see me like this. Do they look at me with these thoughts in their heads? Am I strange to them? I can't really know for sure, but I can imagine. Of course I always imagine the worst. And what I imagine is that they do see me as a strange person. They smile and talk to me like they've always done, but I can see it, in their eyes. Their smiles, their conversations, it's all cosmetic. At least that's how I see it. But, then again, I always imagine the worst.
This is what I do. My mind races with all of these different thoughts, some of them aren't even comprehensible. Those are the ones that bother me the most. How can thoughts run through my head if I can't even understand them? And why do they come in the first place? You're supposed to be able to control your thoughts, right? But is that really true? Can you really? I can always control the loudest voice in my head, but the less audible ones are always there, whispering what they have to say with no regard to what I'm thinking about. I mean, sure, they'll consider what I'm thinking about, and branch off into their own little thoughts based on that loud voice. But I'm not really in control. And what's worse, sometimes I find myself trying to mask my thoughts around people, for fear that they might possess some ability to see into my mind. My thoughts are supposed to be for me only, and thinking is supposed to be the only true freedom we have. But for some reason, I find myself afraid that other people can hear them, and because of that, I've lost a bit of that freedom. I suppose it's my own fault. I mean, even if others can hear my thoughts, I shouldn't care about what they think. But in all seriousness, I sometimes wonder how people would react to what goes through my head sometimes. And I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks in such a manner. My thoughts are so random at times, I can't find a reason as to why some of them would even be surfacing. Those random thoughts, those are usually those whispering voices...the quiet ones that attempt to lay down some sort of blueprint to the loud voice that I do have control over. And it works for the most part. That is until I find myself looking at my mind, from another angle, as if from someone else's eyes. Reality hits, and I then try to regain control of my thoughts. But they always manage to wander again.
Author notes
Prose -
A contest entry
- ANYTHING, Just make it good. -->4,000 points by InfiniteCaitlin.
4500 points, ended September 2, 2007, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Can you relate to the words written here? Care to explain?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Interesting
Here's the thing... everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) thinks at some point "am I crazy to have these weird and random thoughts?" what would other people think? Believe me when I tell you- we are all a lot more alike than any of us would like to believe. I have travelled around the world, to places that (on the surface) are totally different than here in small town America- Africa, Australia, Europe, the Carribean....just to name a few, and I can tell you- people are people, no matter where you go. Our language, religion, culture... all of it can vary, but inside... we all have these same fears, the same worries, the same weird, random thoughts.
It is a comfort, if you think about it. None of us are so unique as all that. We'd like to think we are, but we really aren't.
Also- when a person thinks they are looking at themselves from someone elses perspective- they aren't. They CAN'T. You can only see yourself from your own perspective. Someone can TELL you how they see you, but you are still filtering it through your own perpsective- through your own hang ups, worries, fears and ideals. We're also not very good at being objective- it sucks to be human some times!!
Anyway, I like that your write made me think. Thinking is a good thing- and I enjoyed this little journey.
Thanks!
. Rewarded 8
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very good
can't get any more random than that -
A strong fear you hold here. And a true point you tell. Uncontrollable thoughts seem to be taking over the world. Can you see into anyone else's thoughts? Perhaps it is supersticion, for I have that issue with thinking that someone is always watching me. It's frustrating sometimes, but I see I am not the only one with fears for personal space. Great prose, however! I read so little of it, it was a new experience for me! Great write!
Miss Marie -
Who says what is normal and what is controllable?That is the beauty of a mind that knows no limits. I would listen to those thoughts and not give a damn how others see you.I'd be more worried about how well you listen to those random thoughts.Sometimes random thoughts can change the world.
. Rewarded 6
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I've never really been one for prose, but this is really great and makes me think differently, prose can actually be good =]
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Thank ya =)
hehe, ya know I was never much into prose myself either. But one day I found myself on Deviantart and wanting to give my 'recent deviations' an update with something new.... So sitting down to write (my devart is actually full of pencil drawings, digital art, photography focused on subjects found in nature, poetry, and graphic design pieces .. hehe a wide variety), I felt myself trying to think of what to write and I noticed myself doing the very thing I ended up writing about with those stray thoughts and whatnot...
After I began typing about that I started to realize that everything else about the way I think probably isn't the way everyone else does, or maybe they all think the same way .. I can't be sure, but I thought it was probably best done this way so I could give full details and descriptions on the subject....
Thanks for reading it even though it's not normally your normal cup of tea, and thanks for the praise =D
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