Serums of memories
spilled onto karma's carpet
11:11s wasted in hopes of
make ups and make outs,
and fairytale wishes
from the grave.
Heads or tails for reconciliation,
of pasts smeared in chemicals and soma
Rubbing flesh, finding friction
in rug burns of existentialism,
while reading I Miss You's
from the Bible and Quran.
Dinner and a memory
before sleeping in water,
learning the art
of drowning
Parasitic ghosts
feeding off the mind
a placebo appeal for pills.
Sacrificing reflections
from mirrors in the eyes,
seeing faces that don't belong
in the medicine cabinet of life.
Finding strangers in shadows and
in bottles of pills
Ghastly spirits, a mass of wasted space;
engraving sins into the skull
waiting for the bleeding
Medications numb existence's salvation,
forgetting dreams lost in
epics of being lost at sea.
Long nights spent
in lamentations and hallucinations,
while tasting God in Advil bottles
Swallowing piss and shit from
the past sour drug,
watering down hell pills
with bile and let downs
Skin burns with rash,
numbing hair dug deep
into tender flesh
Bacterial and parasitic infections
rubbing away consciousness
while mayhem drugs cure death
Retinal reflections of you buried
in the grave of my soul,
bloody eyes blink
A parasite, a worm
dug into my brain
and while you're there
I die
Author notes
Probably the most personal piece I have ever written.
Please constructively criticize.
This is NOT about drugs. I will provide a better explanation of what this poem regards:
When I was coming out as bi last year I met a guy named Clay through my school, and we like Needless to say the day we started talking, was the most amazing day I had my junior year. I fell for him, pretty hard through time, but I didn't want to because of age of consent laws and stuff. Anyways, I ended up meeting his ex, Nick, who attended another school a town away. Well, tragically I developed a small crush for him. I asked Clay one evening if he'd mind if I dated Nick, because Clay and I were becoming very close friends, and I guess by this point the opportunity of a relationship was there, but with him being underage I felt very uncomfortable. Anyways, a couple of days later Clay warned me about Nick saying he'd only hurt me by taking advantage of me through sex and then breaking up with me and stuff...
Well, me in my blind-sightedness since I'd never been in a relationship, I basically told Clay that I could make my own decisions and I didn't need his help. There was some swearing and stuff in there too, and it was all angry and I had already been in a horrible mood for other reasons and then this happened, and I...popped
Clay said something along the lines of, "well maybe you wont ever need me again". I knew I lost him. I went for a long walk and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. It was the worst, most barbaric thing I had ever said, and it cost me the most important thing I had. Clay wasn't the near sighted experience of Chase. Clay was an amazing who was the only person there for me during the most difficult time of my life. He was the one there for me when I came out to my mother. I liked him. I considered him a very close friend, boardering Phill in fact. And, in thirty seconds I threw many months---many profoundly beautiful months---away. I tried apologizing time and time and time again. I did whatever I could. It was always with no avail.
Clay made me feel complete...I never knew what loneliness was, I certainly never knew what it felt like to truly like someone, until I met him. When we'd cuddle and stuff I felt...perfect. It was the most amazing feeling. And then, he was gone, and I felt empty. I felt like a hole was carved inside of me and I watched my heart slowly fall away. Gah thats bloody cliche. Hahaha. Anyways, I felt...meaningless. I think this was the birth of my existentialism, like, the entire purpose of my life was to feel the way I felt with Clay, to feel...loved. And I felt broken and empty and cold and alone. Phill and i weren’t talking. I had no other friends. I just wandered aimlessly through life, stumbling and gasping, grappling with my existence.
I think much of the reason I fell for Chase so hard...was to try to fill that hole inside of me. I wouldn’t call it desperation for a relationship, so much as desperation for completion. I saw Chase as a possibility to maybe fill what I had lost. I mean, I felt...shattered, and I was hoping Chase could glue my pieces together. It might have ended up tawdry...but there was something of wholeness. It never happened. I started thinking about Clay more and more and more. I became depressed and near hopeless. The month and a half or so have been quite difficult, coping with Clay. Tonight, I guess Clay decided he'd give me a chance to redeem myself, unbinding me from the stone of my self-torture. I've honestly felt much like Prometheus...yet it was my heart that was cut out...and re=grew...and cut out...and so on so fourth. Day after miserable day
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 50 of 50
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The bipolar bisexuality line, I forgot to mention that but that seems to be intro and conclusion to my life! Just to say
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I wrote you the longest answer I've ever written and my internet cut out, so maybe I wasn't meant to say half of it. I just want to let you know - NEVER stop writing. This is amazing and all of it makes me feel that much less alone. You're poetry makes the silence sound okay, and it's weird the words in my head are in there, but I can deal with it just write forever, you're the best poet ever, and it's not an exaggeration.
11:11, you're talking about the wishing time yes? And how much of a waste it is to wish, fairytales giving false expectations. Rug burns to avoid bloodletting is my entire life, drowning was how I planned to go out in prior times, it's creepy but wonderful and I should shut up but I can't. The pills - only the bad people in life, that's what it says to me anyway. It probably doesn't say that at all to you but I like reading it this way. I carry Advil with me everywhere. You can only taste it when you dry swallow it, and yesterday I was thinking Advil is the only magic, sarcastically.
The last two lines, were new years. It's just a stupid story to myself but you make everything really amazing, thank you beyond all for writing -
sooo with out the an I just felt raw emotions... I felt so much pain and loss.. I've been through some really trying times just recently and parts of this hit discordant notes within me... You are truely a powerful writer with an amazing understanding of word pairing, and descriptions.... Wow again... thanks for sharing such a personal side of yourself...
Jessa♥
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Oooh a mature right
Don't need to try to hard to explain....each to his own interpretion...poetry is ART...if you want to explain it it's good...but you know....if people don't understand ur poem...their ridiculous...i like this poem...very intense...the words...seems like you have more vocabulary than me and that i have to check the dictionary a bit here and there...call me stupid..but hey, i hate to read...it takes a really good something for me to actually focus on a write...and this poem...wow...it's remarkable...don't worry about love hun...there's more to life then just falling and falling in love....the right guy or girl will come along...don't rush into anything...sometimes you've got to control your feelings..because not all your feelings will give you a great life...try and follow your heart...not just "i feel like doing this or i have a crush on this person"....try and see...use ur mind...what or who is important...whether ure making the right decision...anyway don't have your tears drown u up...be strong...in a world like this we all may stand very afraid because of unwanted events...but we cannot always escape from misery, heartbreaks and sadness....we cannot always blame ourselves....we must grow to be strong...to take all experiences and hold it in our hands...we can help others by being strong...being weak....no one likes being weak...because you'll always keep dying inside...and no one likes a person with a dead soul...revive yourself...there's so much more in this world to explore...so many guys...so many girls....like the stars in the sky...you can't count how many beautiful things there are...don't always see the dark sky...try and see the stars...
ANYWAY GOOD POEM...
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Okies, i re-read this after going through your explanation and it made much more sense.
Creativity and originality aside, this poem is about you. I can feel it, the darkness that envelopes your life, while you envy yourself in fond memories.
Thanks for sharing, it really touched me.
Ps. I was just thinking...shouldnt the 2nd last line be "and while you're (not) there"
"I die"
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Ooh, Im so sorry, I didn't see the notes you left.
I am blown away by your honesty, and I feel embarrassed that I wouldn't know better than to take it at face value. I sincerely hope you work it all out, and that you find that feeling of contentment and wholeness.
Jin -
I don't understand all of it, but I think I'm getting your message.
Even if I'm totally wrong in my idea of what it means, I can still tell when a poem is well written. And this, my friend, is well written. Seriously. Great job.
-Dlvvanzor
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You have captured this reader lock, stock and two smoking barrels, what a amazing piece you have constructed here. For anyone with anything to do with drugs this could well be the explanation of their existence... well done
Karen
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Thank you for the comment.
If you may please read the author's notes, I explain what this poem is ACTUALLY about, instead of the obviously implied meaning. Thank you and have a good night.
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The feeling this poem gave me was unreal, the drugs, the various infections made me think about a friend who had AIDS and suffered with much of what you speak of here. So sad, as I was with him when he died....
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Thank you for the comment. If you may please read the author's notes, I explain what this poem is ACTUALLY about, instead of the obviously implied meaning. Thank you and have a good night.
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This must have something to do with that hip new necrophilia craze that's sweeping the nation. Seriously, very Sponge/Bauhause.
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Thank you for the comment. If you may please read the author's notes, I explain what this poem is ACTUALLY about, instead of the obviously implied meaning. Thank you and have a good night.
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A tremendous piece of trancendental medication. Really a brilliant poem.
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Thank you for the comment. If you may please read the author's notes, I explain what this poem is ACTUALLY about, instead of the obviously implied meaning. Thank you and have a good night.
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Amazing read. I get it, but then, I'm a nurse.
My overall reaction is morbid sadness, hopelessness, despair, and then, victorious a f you in the end.
Bittersweet end, that's my interpretation.
Simply fabulous,
Jin
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Thank you for the comment. If you may please read the author's notes, I explain what this poem is ACTUALLY about, instead of the obviously implied meaning. Thank you and have a good night.
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Awesome if confusing
It's a little like a shattered mirror in a dark room, dozens of glittering pieces that I can't quite put back together. It's beautiful and dark, but hard to follow in passages. For example, "rug burns of existentialism." Maybe it's just because I've been away from poetry way too long, but I simply cannot figure that one out. Actually, it's also part of what attracts me to this piece to begin with: it's a piece I can read more than once and still come away from it with something new every time.
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Thank you for the comment. If you may please read the author's notes, I explain what this poem is ACTUALLY about, instead of the obviously implied meaning. Thank you and have a good night.
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"Dinner and a memory
before sleeping in water,
learning the art
of drowning"
I really loved that part, it struck me heard. I kinda have this thing for drowning lol i dunno. But seriously, this is a great poem, personal ones are always the best.
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Thank you for the comment. If you may please read the author's notes, I explain what this poem is ACTUALLY about, instead of the obviously implied meaning. Thank you and have a good night.
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Wow,
This is very powerful, with just a touch of morbidness to it. The way you talk about the true hell of addiction is just unreal. Then once you hit reality all of the stuff you were trying to forget by getting high and what not hits you again and the only difference is this time it's worse than what it was before.
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Thank you for the comment. If you may please read the author's notes, I explain what this poem is ACTUALLY about, instead of the obviously implied meaning. Thank you and have a good night.
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The grotesque disillusions of medicated contentness always seem so beautiful when you are sedated, but the nausiating feeling of waking up next to such an ugly beast in the morning only do one thing...drive you back to the arms of it again and thus back in to the lungs of hell.
Addiction is the greatest self inflicted hypocrisy, but so acceptable (at least to the slave who finds escape through more enslavement)
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Thank you for the comment. If you may please read the author's notes, I explain what this poem is ACTUALLY about, instead of the obviously implied meaning. Thank you and have a good night.
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Well damn, all of that was not there when I read this the first time!
Excuse the hell out of me.
But you know what, feelings are no better than drugs and they make you do the same stupid shit, so in a way (by never actually implying the word "drugs" in my comment, as anything can medicate) what I said previously is still plausable.
Escape is still escape after all.
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great honest confession
You described being addicted to pills in a very appropriate painful way, bravo! I hope you are off them now.
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Thanks, ummm, wasn't addicted to pills ever. This was a metaphor for an issue I had with someone, and I used the pills as a metaphor for a cure, an addiction and a curse. It's an incredibly complicated story; you can find a little about it from reading my friend Tyler's comment (Tangled Angle) at the bottom of this piece. The pills though served as an intense metaphor for the subject of this poem.
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The only bad point? Makes me feel like a godamn newb to this stuff. Fantastic.
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Excellent!
I couldn't possibly criticize this poem. It is very graphic and gripped me, an absolutely superb write my friend. Julie.
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ahhh no words to describe how much I loved this..
which is actually a description in it's own..
but yeah. very nice indeed -
Oops, sorry I stopped in again - needs to be away to id those poems we have already commented on.
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Well this is very descriptive. It has great images and deep meanings seem to come from those images. Really this is one of the poems I don't know what to say to, it's just that good. Wonderful job on this, I really loved it.
Lee-Ann
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Such powerful imagery and feeling...WOW! Thanks for sharing this one. Sorry I don't know what else to say about it, critique wise, I just really liked it.
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I can't criticise it much because I really liked it, the language and imagery was great, pretty graphic but wow! I'd say summat about structure but its free verse and then I'd be a hypocrite anyway, so moving on...the first stanza seems a bit abstract compared to the rest, its nearly a seperate entity, they could be blended a bit more. other than that I enjoyed this poem.
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Beautiful It keeps you wanting to read more. I cannot really critize because I loved all of it. Keep writing.
peace
~*maymay*~
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Sorry that it has taken me a while to comment. That said, it's definitely my favorite of yours. Creative; I believe the first two stanzas were my favorite. Each held something memorable in them.
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a wondefully deep piece of writing which i really liked and feel a huge connection with your choice of words was spot on i would like to say something costructive but im afraid i cant it was all good great write thats got me wanting more of your stuff
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Very intense, deep, personal and filled with wonderful word combinations that make one sit up and notice this poem. Some relationships do more harm than good, yet one has to sort out and spit out the bad parts, hang on to the good, and move on. Some sentences do not have periods at the end, and appear run on yet next line has a capital- kind of like a rant in a way, never ending, all consuming. Some medications need to be heeded and instructions read before taking.
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A very nicely written poem. I love the imagery that you have expressed so vividly with your words. The emotions are eloquently expressed. Overall, I loved it. Thank you for sharing.
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Amazingly emotionally written. My favorite part of your poem was "Ghastly spirits a mass of wasted space
engraving sins into the skull
waiting for the bleeding
Medications numb existence's salvation
forgetting dreams lost in
epics of being lost at sea" The title of this poem was used very well along with both the first lines of the poem and the last line of the poem. You should let this poem flow more because in the begginning of the poem it flowed really well than after awhile it didn't flow that great. You might want to add puncnctuation because it get's a little hard to follow after awhile.
Overall though I loved the poem. Great Job!
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The imagery and background of this poem are excellent.
Could use with maybe a bit of punctuation to make it easier to read and it loses its flow a bit.
Especially in the stanza that starts with,
"Ghastly spirits........"
I love it though very well done.
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Lots of atmosphere in this poem. You do well when you establish a mood. Also, your vocabulary is quite extensive. I mean this in a positive sense. I love the allusions to religion and philosophy. And most of all, I love the ending. Keep writing.
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Learning the act of drowning....what a powerful poem of palce and time when tender terror is all one might have... what will brings us from these close encounters with it is beyond me... awesome, dark and dealign with truths that most must admit....sometimes we jsut don't get it!!!!!
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Alright, here I finally am. In stanza one, line four, I would remove the 'and' because of the line that proceeds it.
'sleeping in water
and learning the art
of drowning'
Excellent image there. Powerful.
There is not too much to say really, or critic upon. It's a personal piece and your voice comes through powerfully, as does the hurt and anger and yet, still a feel of helplessness end the piece. -
Incredible
I... don't know what to say. I almost always have something to say, but this has me at a loss of words. Seriously, your imagination and vocabulary blows me away, and this sort of reminds me of a darker version of my poem "War of the Addicts". Great piece here. I'm going to add you to my favorites... your style has grown on me immensely.
Wow. Looks like I had more to say after all
A
for such a phenomenal penning. I am going to nominate this for the front page! ~ Kerri
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Very powerful.
I can relate to a lot that you have mentioned..
The 11:11 wishes and whatnot..
Such petty teenage hopes and dreams, I suppose.
Wonderful work.
Thank you for sharing, my dear.
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Wow, this was as Penman says "Intense". And that whole aspect gives this poem so much life and edge.
That's what I love about personal poems... they have so much more passion in them, so much more personality to it, and it makes it so much more powerful.
I love the disease metaphor for Clay- and honestly, after talking to you and then reading this poem, it is a perfect representation of everything you have gone through and everything you are feeling, it is all right here in this poem, and the whole thing about Clay being a disease- so right on- he's not right for you, and you deserve better.
It's like Natalie. Natalie was my Ebola. She nearly killed me. Same situation between me and her then you and Clay.
The personal aspect of this, and bringing it to life in the poem itself, conveying your passion, anger, frustration, insecurity, and even a subtle sense of hope- it's subtle- but it is so there.
You said how he is a worm dug into your brain, yet you never mentioned how he dug into your heart. I think you are more mentally upset about this than you are emotionally.
That doesn't mean you aren't -emotionally- upset about it. But you never mentioned your soul in your poem, which interests me. This means two things
1) You haven't really totally expressed your true emotions about this
or
2) Your heart is okay, but your mind isn't. Your heart is telling you that you deserve better, that you deserve someone who can forgive [because after all, how would a relationship work when one cannot forgive? There is no such thing as a perfect relationship] But your mind still remembers, the memories are still being projected into your brain and that is why he is poisoning your BRAIN.
Your heart? It isn't totally shatterred yet, and that is how I've found hope here.
You may be broken completely.. and it may not have been presented in this poem.
But from the poem, I have a sense of hope that the writer is capable of finding someone else.
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Everything I just said, set aside: What the average reader will get is that pure sense of hopelessness just from your last two lines "and while you're there
I die" just form how straight forward it is.
But as for the intellectual.. there is more to this.. there is more to it than what is actually there in the poem, there is that 'more' as in what is missing. What isn't there.
I think this poem is absolutely brilliant and truly shows one feels -mentally- after being hurt, and remembering the memories, etc..
This is exactly how I felt when two months ago, I came across a picture of Natalie and I together, looking very happy. It shattered my soul. And at the same time, I couldn't stop remembering the good times, and what happened, and I felt so bitter.
I was more mentally affected by that than emotionally, when I think about it now.
What memories this provokes.. and I can relate to it way more than I wish to, lol.
But this was beyond amazing and profound. One of my favorite poems of yours, and I would argue that your personal ones are not just the most original, but also the most poignant, passionate, and profound.
Be well my friend.
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Intense
Very deep and powerful images you have used to convey the darkness and despair. It comes forth so genuine and painful. The beginning stanza does hint that this is inspired from a failed relationship. Then moves more inward and poignant, looking so retrospect into one's own demons and nightmares. As if to make a connection between the relationship's failure and how it triggers a greater mural of macabre hues and caricatures. They are rich in the duality of metaphors about melancholy and self doubts.
And while you continue that same trail of thought, you return at the end to the place where you heart aches the most in terms of another. So therein seems to be reinforcing how that it is the cornerstone of the house of depression.
Not sure how close that is to what you intended. This is such a vivid piece for energy and the sorrow of trying so hard to find peace in places where it should be offered. The emotion is clear and precise. Yet, at the same time you leave a few thoughts for the reader to fill in either by choice or intent. Those being associated, to me, with details about the relationship in terms of whether it was a long connection. Don't think it detracts from the brilliance of your piece. It stands alone as a dark piece of pure cerebral artistry. Another great poem from your wonderful talents.
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This is good. I think that the piss and shit would maybe sound better as excrement.(if I spelled it right). It flows a little better to me. Also, in the last stanza, instead og starting out with Rashes and Ebola, how about putting as in front and dip instead of dipping. I think it may help with the flow. It sounds great either way. I hope that helps.
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