And when they found her
Wrapped in her
torn, shredded, Wal-Mart
cotton, faded tee
and her 10 dollar pair of pants,
I’m sure her last thoughts
weren’t about the clothes
she got at discount
Or the fact that the plastic
ripped, faded back seat
of her rusted out ford pick up
(where they found her)
needed to be cleaned out
of all the McDonald’s bags
and beer cans
I’m sure she was thinking
she was going to live through it
That any second now he
was going to stop pounding
her Clairol dye job head in
with his fists
That he’d stop and have another beer,
and she’d grab another
ice cube tray for her face
She also seemed to forget
about her 10 year old son
cowering in the filthy corner
with a dirty face and wide eyes
The same corner
where his Mom’s head went through
the dry wall last week
But I can’t
Because 15 years later
he’s still blaming his stupid Mom
for not leaving that loser
and he grabs another beer
while his girlfriend grabs
another ice cube tray for her face
Author notes
I wrote this after my Uncle beat his girlfried to death. I feel sorry for her son.
A contest entry
- NO RULES, WINNER TAKES ALL by Gone.
300 points, ended August 20, 2007, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - UnUuuSual: Poems that will make me go HOLY COW! by Angel Full Of Hurt.
1034 points, ended October 13, 2007, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Goes by karmacae.
700 points, ended February 14, 2008, 67 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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this poem almost brought me to tears. It's so sad. One of my best friend's ex-stepdad used to beat her and her mom. I think abuse is a horrible thing. You captured emotions well in this poem.
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Oh wow- well written, and I'm sorry about what your uncle did... i hope everything is going as well as it can right now- i'll pray for the child.
-brittany- -
oh my god....
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This is a harrowing piece; I like the use of correlation and symmetry in the use of "beer, ice tray" imagery. I also think the wall mart shopper part is a little out of place, although it does succeed in leading the reader into a false sense of security. Good work.
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Thanks for your comments!
I wanted to use a title to the poem that would grab someone's attention, while not giving away the poem.
Thanks for your comments!
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I really appreciated this piece. It was very captivating, unraveling and revealing the many levels and facets of this violence. Raw and alluring. I was very moved by it, personally.
Unfortunately, I'm sure she also wasn't thinking about doing whatever she could to leave that loser after 'this one'.
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To StrangeAngel
No, I'm sure she wasn't thinking about leaving him. This wasn't the first girlfriend he did this to (although, the first survived) and we tried to warn her. You can only do so much.
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This is real nice
i'm trying to figure out the walmart shoppers part but i guess it really means please pay attention.there are facts to be told.this is oh so true of what happens to people and how the children suffer. my dad was a drinker i think it was rye that would set him off he got very grouchy upsetting tables and very mad. but i found my mom edged him on she ranted at him and the more she did the worse she got .even her own mother said if she'd go sit down and be quiet h'de fall asleep and it wouldn't be so bad. finaly years later she shut up and he fell asleep.he eventualy quit drinking do to his health.he passed away 2 years ago from cancer.yes the children pay the price. my sister yapped about how bad he was but she drinks alot and acts like a fruit loop when loaded.i hate liquer.i feel for the children.plus it's to bad some turn out to be thier parents.
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To Bee Gee
I think people always think that the beatings could never REALLY lead to death. But a violent man mixed with drugs is capable of doing ANYTHING!
I'm glad you liked it.
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Seriously... you deserve more than a bronze. The silver was okay.. but in my mind this is gold worthy... not only because of the intense creativity but because of how well written and powerful this piece was!! I was not expecting this at all... Just wow... well done.
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this is what poetry should be
first real thing with substance ive read here and it wasnt full of 2 dollar words, whod have thought? -
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Thanks for your kind words!
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It’s really intense.
I don’t really know what else to say.
It makes me really uncomfortable, and I suppose that’s what you’re going for. It really conveys the violence, and the pity. It also really illustrates the cycle of abuse well as well.
I’m not sure about the title. It doesn’t seem to fit. Apart from the various discount store images.
I also really don’t think that centering the piece adds anything. (for more on why I hate centered poetry, there is a rant on my main page which I won’t repeat here
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About the title...
I didn't want anyone to understand what the poem was about until they were already reading it. I'm not crazy about grabbing a sentence from a poem and using that for the title. Not sure about the centered part. I can go either way. I'm glad you thought it was intense. That's what I was going for.
Monique
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Am impressed by the poem, feels
about like broken glass
but don't think the title fits.
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About the title...
I wanted to use a title that wouldn't give away the poem before someone read it. So many times, we read a title, and form conclusions before we even read it! (I know I do!!)
Monique
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hmmmm interesting
Yep holy cow for this one...shite...batter your girlfriend to death? wow...really crazy....anyway i am still reading other poems that entered my contests...i'll keep this poem in mind
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Wow... just wow.. this is a good poem. I mean I really got it after you wrote the note at the bottom... but it's VERY good.
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Thanks for commenting!
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Thanks for your comments!
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I really like this one, shows the recurring misery that can happen in some families. I think though, for me, there are a few too many adjectives in the first couple of verses, but other than that, a great piece. Very nice job, good luck in the contest.
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HhUuuuuuuuuMmmmmm
I am sorry I must be kinda slow this morning But I just don't get the connection with the title.
Attention Walmart Shoppers.
A very sad and weird story indeed enough to make anyone yell, " HOLY COW "
Good Luck in the Contest.
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this was an itelligiently written story, with a good twist.... I liked it
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cheers, I will comment when I judge
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