Oh dark haired maiden
How the boredom you face
Shows ever so readily
On your pretty face
You stand to attention
Then lean with a sigh
As the customer leaves
And another passes by
But what do you dream of
Or do you regret
The days you have spent
In the retail net
For I know it can be tiring
To be restricted each day
Like a caged zoo parrot
Being told what to say
Though I am sure you go beyond
The superficial place you stand
When your mind floats away
A receipt still in hand
Have you found your balance
Accepted where you are
Or do you dream of life
Somewhere else, a far
I know that I do
I await my chance to flee
But not to another place
Just right back to me
For I know that our souls
Get corrupted in here
We are our own worst enemies
When to rules we adhere
But for now let us reflect
That we are still alive
Working class people
Built to survive
A contest entry
- Anything & Everything for GOLD!! by GloriousGift.
400 points, ended June 21, 223 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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I like how it flowed till the end
Thnx for entering & Best of Luck
GloriousGift
Hebz -
This is "the grind" in a nutshell. Very good, i think we can all relate.
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I love this. This is how I feel about every job I've ever had. I daydream my shifts away. It flows very well and normally I hate rhyming poems, but this does it so effortlessly that it sounds very good. Very good job.
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At first glance, it seems overly simplistic but when I really pause to take it it, I see contemplations of life, of dreams, of wondering "what if". I am not a fan of rhyme (unless required by a form) generally due to it usually being quite obvious and simplistic when people could express themselves with much more beautiful and evocative words. I feel the same here. However, that said, it is still a nice poem.
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impressive
Not what I expected, but better somehow. My props to you. -
wow. ok ... wait, let me start with what i didnt like ok. i didnt like the rhyme in first stanza. infact its not exactly the rhyme but the fact that you used the word "face" twice.and both to rhyme with each other.. . Now..what i do like is the poem itself as a whole.. the rhyme is real good throughout, and the image is great, those kinda people are all over. and its good when they actually wanna break out from that kinda life but there are so many who dont!!. that depresses me a lot. and you got the "We are our own worst enemies" pointeed out perfectly. it is so true, i love this. thank you for sharing it. -eleno
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excellent
i liked this alot!
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A prison of our own making, methinks. There are times we all feel a bit trapped in a job. I like how this explores the inner workings of a common sight...I have sometimes looked at people and wondered if they aspired to something more...if they had dreams, or were they content? I can respect anyone who works hard- no matter thier vocation or job- and if you can find that peace and still follow your dreams- more power to you.
I like the whimsical feel of this, the flow was good and the message clever. It is a hopeful thing, that being alive bit.
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The read aloud so well, flowing brilliantly, your very well done rhyming helping that too
I used to work retail so can understand and say I don't miss it lol.
You penned it all out into these words so well
Cindy
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I love this. It speaks of stark reality of which some run away from. Smile, Judy
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Awesome poem! Love the last 2 stanzas! Excellent rhyme, rhythm and flow throughout the poem. Beautifully powerful and thought-provoking imagery. When I saw the title, I expected this to be some sort of love poem..maybe changing the title is a good idea? I've worked in retail too, so I know what you mean. It was my dad's shop but yet I experienced the emotions portrayed in this write. I'm glad you are out of there! Have you worked as a telemarketer ever? I have and that's also quite the job that teaches you to be patient with people slamming the phone on your face and others wanting to date you
All the best,
Charishma
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Modern Sadness
You have captured the boredom in a retail slave's reality well. Many people have experience in this field, as it's easy to get into and something people do when they're waiting to do something else. Therefore, many can relate to this. -
Well done
I love the way this poem is written I was thrown off by the title but I see what you are trying to say.
Great choice of words.
I would of written it (2nd stanza) Then lean with a sigh, as I think it flows a little better
Still well done, keep up the good work.
~Rach
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hey wat a lovely story in here...pen on simplicity with your words
Ankita
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Thank you. It was one that I wrote in a moment of boredom in my last job in retail (thankfully, I am out of there now).
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awww. thias is so bloody true and sad at the same time. sometimes life sucks.
good write.
hugs
xxx -
This is the first time I've seen someone actually show curiosity about what goes through the mind of a retail slave. I'd have never thought that subject matter would work so well as an ode.
So many people view us as automatons, but there's actually a brain in there, clicking away. And sometimes it's not thinking of the expected. Thanks for this.
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