It wafts, ethereal and graceful,
Descending on a whisper;
Undulating on the current
Of a quick, ragged breath.
It's completely at the mercy
Of the erratic ripples
Sent pulsing through the air
By a rancid exhalation.
And I watch as it dances,
Wishing I were that free.
Author notes
I love watching things dance on the wind, especially feathers and leaves.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I like the idea of a ragged breath. And although the ragged breath did a good job, the poem as a whole depicted lightness more than weight. Weight is heavy. Things floating on air, that's not heavy. So I have to remove this. But thank you for the effort and good luck with future writing.
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Please read; I'm not trying to argue, only explain.
Well, you said in your description that you didn't want things about 'couch-potato bodies or lifting weights', and I think weight is an ambiguous word; referring to either the heaviness or lightness of an object. It's like, 'this thing weighs a ton' or 'this thing weighs less than an ounce'; both are depicting the weight, just from different ends of the spectrum. So, I'm sorry I misunderstood what you wanted; maybe you should put in the contest description that you don't want things like mine so nobody else makes the same mistake. But, no hard feelings and I hope your contest goes well. Best Wishes, Lady Lilly
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