Diving into viridian memory
sparkling visions of ancient serenity.
Swim below grief the rust-red tide of hate
Back to the surface where wonders await.
Bright aqua angels of calm own the sky
soft radiant feathers that enchant the eye.
Up to the world where teal clouds taste of dreams
gray mist shrouded raindrops dance through sunbeams.
Here time is illusion, the future will wait
Whats past is long gone and the day growing late.
Sunset lights up emerald on the foamy sea shore
your tears drowned out in the crests quiet roar.
Hushed malachite sounds call you into the deep
rocking silk waves wrap you round in your sleep.
The ocean will calm you she'll soothe you with song
Breathe viridian peace and forget what was wrong.
Author notes
Written for a contest about colors. Still tweaking this one.
Constructive criticism welcomed appreciated and encouraged!!
(collage made from artwork and images found on Google when searching keyword Viridian...none of it is mine.)
In a list
A contest entry
- Colors! by swampbird.
700 points, ended August 25, 2007, 8 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Excellent, probably he best use of colour in the contest, and you make me feel the sea. Well done.
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Beautiful Viridian Peace
This was so well done with good line like the last and "hushed malachite sounds call you into the deep'. The color of font , all of it goes so well with the poem.
Tecohe
. Rewarded 4
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This is a simply marvellous write, and I like the fact you did the two line verse thing. It works well! Keep up the good work, and I hope to be reading more of your writes soon!
All the best,
~Stephi-Dawne~
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You work well with the couple/stanzas, each encapsulating an image. And the poem certainly explores a range of colors through intriguing imagery.
A "tweak" possibility: The poem feels like it could be compressed, focusing on the colors/emotions more directly. Sometimes a color is given, then almost explained away. For example, stanza 3 has a nice sense of concrete image, but that sense is obscured by words. One possible tweak might be something like:
Aqua angels own the sky,
Radiant feathers enchanting the eye.
"Radiant" tells us that the aqua was bright; feathers are an image of softness; "enchanting" makes the action more immediate--the ideas are already here.
Tightened, this would be a more powerful poem.
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this is a really nice poem.... i really liked it :-)
love jasmine ox -
wow that was a great flow with this poem kinda just slipped off of the toungue as you read it, great story and great imagination and visual wonderful poem over all a truly talented poetess
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Would offer constructive crit, but I don't reallllly do rhyme well at all, and I am afraid I would do more harm than good
I do however think you did a very nice job dealing with this color.
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this was a very beautiful written poem
i love this
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Excellent.....!
Structure and prose in this write show good flow and balance. The imagery I get from this is almost like the way you said it is so innerconnected it draws me in and then need to let myself intuit the meaning. You seem to have quite a grasp of the meaning of words and now I need to rest my head from the sensory overload of trying to grasp this piece as a whole. I think you have a good chance of doing well in this contest, or at the very least, getting a lot of positive feedback. Good luck. Rich.
. Rewarded 8
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So calming...so very, very relaxing...^^
Absolutely heartstopping imagery. It was really vivid and added to the whole nature-filled, serene mood. The rhyming was excellent and flowed very naturally (a hard feat for myself).
"Up to the world where teal clouds taste of dreams
gray mist shrouded raindrops dance through sunbeams."
I really liked those lines...they were so pretty! All in all, great rhyme, great emotion.
Good job, and good luck! -
I like it it is interesting.
My first impression is of peaceful moments in the depth of the sea and sleep. I liked all parts of the poem, the only confusing part is I don't know what the word viridian means. Emotionally I would like to be able to go there and be as soothed as this poem suggests. It was not awkward to read. And I wouild not change any thing in it. The title is fine, like I said I don't know what it means. The first and last lines go with the poems title. Overall I liked this poem.
. Rewarded 8
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Hushed malachite sounds call you into the deep
rocking silk waves wrap you round in your sleep.
WoW i cold actually here it and do it. Great piece.vibrant imagery. This is wonderfully painted piece of work. you are truly an artist with words.Keep painting...And I will keep looking..Very well done.
poeticanjil -
This is a fabulous poem and I enjoyed each line. The only suggestion I might have and this is tentative is get more color images into it. I say tentative because it seems perfect to me the way it is and I am not usually a fan of rhyming poems but this one works very well. Classical but jazzy!
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Thank you for your very helpful comment, I wonder if you'd take a look at it again as I've done some editing and would love some more feedback. Thank you again!
~Laura
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