No concept thought I wouldn't give,
to be a "first", a "best", "the one",
but it seem the most I've lived,
is to be "second", "decent", "the fallback",
spiced with dubious honors of some deeds,
a "last", "a worst", "the hated",
When will I fill my dearest needs,
a "love", a "friend", a "man"
Author notes
Been kind of an emo day, I'm hurtin'. Pardon my angst. Check my page for the write-up.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
I would agree with CelticQueen here, this is powerful intent but some confusing wording.
-
I came to read your poetry because you had said on the forum that you wanted 'real critiques'. That's what I give. There's not a whole lot I can suggest for this piece. It fully expresses your pain, and in a very unique way - with the individual words.
Your first line confuses me just a little. Why do you say both 'concept' and 'thought' and are you actually saying you would not give a thought to those things? By saying first 'no concept' then 'wouldn't give', you've got a double negative and your real meaning is completely obscured, at least to me.
Then you have a typo in the 3rd line - 'but it seem the' should be 'seems'.
Your last line is really powerful; a perfect ending.
celtic queen -
Wow, although this is quite short, it is very powerful. I thought this was great to read and the last sentence was stunning. Great work, although i hope sometime you will feel better.
-
I trust that you have perked up a bit since you wrote this, strange isn't it that when you feel so down you can create some of your best poetry which includes some incredible emotion. Hope you are happy now D. Well done Val
-
Sorry you're feeling down today D. At least you wrote some kick-ass poetry! Great job here - keep it up.
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
