Breath comes in heavy pants
struggles from this broken body
I once commanded
compound fracture of the mind,
unmend-able
There's a storm brewing
Gods omnipotent eye peeks
between darkened clouds at
bloody chunks of violence
evils rampage on the earth
in guise of a business man
I saw what you did but I wont be telling
A child's shoe lays abandoned
just out of reach on a park bench
The colors of my world swirl in an out
as this life drains from me like
the credits of an unfortunately ended movie
I see castles in the sky
Zeus with his long white beard
outstretched hands inviting me
to the stars
I can taste
warm chocolate chip cookies
smell them
mixed with coppery death
a comforting ending
for my plain sparrow self
Author notes
I dont really know where this came from and I am sure it needs work but I think I like the idea of it. If you have any thoughts that could improve my poem, I am open to suggestions.
A contest entry
- AP Book Contest-- get published! by tinuelena.
900 points, ended September 19, 2007, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - "Felt" poetry. ONLY by shirk.
1500 points, ended October 8, 2007, 110 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Does it need work? Probably not. I am a strong fan of when you were inspired that is the delivery, that is the power. Why mess with things that are gone like the mist in the morning. The sun comes up and the fog is burned away. but when the fog was there, the image and shadow was so real. The ending of this piece after the initial layout and build up needs no compliment of anykind. Don't second guess yourself, everyone else will be sure to do that for you. You blew this into my world and it was something I would have to watch, "The Weather Channel" to see a different forecast than the one you preticted. It's fine as is. RC
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This poem has the feel of depth to it. That's not to say there is any real depth to it or not, but it does feel like there is the way you've worded it. I like the images you used and applaud the risk of Line 13.
Good luck in the contest!
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This is fantastic, well done
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An excllent poem you have penned. I like the ending comparing yourself to the sparrow. The imagery was great and made for a nice read. You are very talented and do free verse very well. Take care, Sandy .
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Your poem is replete with very original and arresting imagery that suggests so many things like abstractions never can. This is a very interesting piece of poetry, and shows remarkable talent and poetic sensitivity on your part. There isn't anything I could possibly suggest changing. Great stuff.
David Michaels
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Impressive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Although this is a dark and tragic story, it is written impeccably!!!!!!!!!I don't know what you could change that could improve it. Your imagery apinted a picture carrying the reader just where yu want them to go. It left me feeling sad and provoked alot of thought in me as to the plot and how it totally relates to the world today!!!That is a sign of a great writer when you leave the reader hanging on even after the story is over!!!~~Toni~~
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Ms Sarah, I love your mind at work. Or should I say the work of your mind. Lovely chill with a mystery surprise on every line. Thnak you
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Well done!!!
I think that this poem stands on its own and needs no revision. It's perfect the way it is.
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I have to agree with the others. I found this piece wonderful and I wouldnt change anything (even the punctuation). Some great poems do not need punctuation to get their point across. After all this is poetry and the normal rules do not apply. Thank you for the wonderful read. I absolutely loved it.
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This is different
My impression is of darkness. I found this poem very remarkable and there wasn't anything that I could say that I liked better or worse the other. Emotionally I felt a lot of sadness and hurt in this poem. "Silent Witness" tells a lot about this poem, to me it says that someone witnessed something horrendous.The first line tells of someone who is very scared and upset. The comment about cookies seemed to say that the person needed something to make them feel comforted, thus making the last line work well with this piece. I don't think that I would change anything about the poem. As I said I find this a remarkable poem, very well written.
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Good strong first stanza that appeals to some physical imagery you reveals an inner conflict.
Second stanza is so effective because it is so sparse.
Once you get into "bloody chunks of violence" thinks kick into high gear. And yet, while it is tempting to overcome the reader with violence, you show restraint. Lots of great observational pieces such as "A child's show lays abandoned". It's wonderful how you describe the force of nature so well by simply implying it.
Then you cap it off with a suitable ending. This is a great poem.
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Ricochet rabbit,
A compliment from you is not lightly taken! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my poem and explore the peices of it.
Sarah
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i love the wording of this, but the punctuation definitely needs improving
well done and good luck -
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I know there are a few places where there should be those contraction marks and there arent, but unfortunately I am on a Turkish keyboard and have no idea where that key is hiding! Are there other puncuation problems you can see?
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Great poem, I'm impressed, enjoyed reading it!
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