The sky plummets through a beatific
filter, lighting luscious lithe leaves and
grass swaying in the winds opaque grasp.
Harmonious hues sing of natures dearth, the
siren sings a soprano, so alluring the leaves
ablaze with conviction tempt to touch the ground.
within tawny and soft muddy grips, their death now nigh.
hoary oaks acquiesce with her maledictions, to
contrive natures design, impossible! forthright they
stand waving their hands dancing to her melodic
tunes, the same step they took from times start to
the end, choreographed by the God's themselves.
picture at: http://www.desktopscenes.com/Autumn%20Scenes%20from%20Southern%20Vermont%20(2003)/Vermont%20Autumn%20Cliche.jpg
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Very appropriate poem for this season of autumn. The imagery you create is very beautiful I can see the leaves and grass swaying in the wind and hear see the harmonious synesthesia you depict.
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wind(‘
grasp
nature(‘s dearth
nature(‘s design
I’m unsure if you need the word: “the” in “tempt to touch the ground.”
I don’t like the sexist remark of malediction that men often get slandered with, if you could change that to femalediction or persondiction that would be cool. (j/k)
Actually, I’m not quite sure what you’re going for with malediction, I’m slightly confused. Acquiesce with her curses or damning?
Would rephrase- the same step they took from times start to the end to “the same step took from time(‘s start to time(‘s) end” (at least cut at the “the” end)
Somehow I'm thrown off by the ending, "by the God's themselves" Although potent, it's somewhat of a misgiving/cliche. Nature in likenesses, gods as themselves. I suggest trying to extend the poem and seeing what lines exist beyond the edge.
My favorite lines:
grass swaying in the winds opaque grasp.
Harmonious hues sing of natures dearth -
I'd change "God's" to "gods" as plural non-Christian gods are lower case....and no apostrophe. Other than that really beautiful piece. I can't see the pic but I imagine your take on it was unique and beautiful as it always is. You always write wonderful nature pieces.
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Really a tremendous piece that was penned by one with a marvelous eye for detail and an equally tuned ear. You are almost like a poetic painter of the metaphysical variety. Another terrific poem that was a real pleasure to read.
David Michaels
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Thank you very much for the generous critique.
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I still love the endings on your poems, a lot. That is what I have trouble with most on mine but you can master it perfectly.
"the winds opaque grasp"
I want to say something other than amazing but I can't think of anything else that could describe it, marvelous, stupendous, great, erm.. just awesome!
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Thank you very much.
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