sitting on a rooftop
feet hang over the ledge
after running from a tickle fight
pulse is heavier, sounds to me like sandpaper
and thinking, thinking too much
realizing that friends are fabrications
no one appreciates the playground shrink
and parents' love alone will only get me so far
I see the grass
green and pristine below me
waiting
waiting to wrap its arms around me
I slip on the shingles, but catch my footing
just in time to grab control and jump
conscious choice to free myself from my thoughts
whisper my goodbyes and shed a few revitalizing tears
calm myself
Everything is clear
not thinking about the physical leap, but the concrete logic behind it
leave behind my stuffed bear, boxes of dolls
abandon those things that never really embodied my childhood
This day defines my childhood and caused my adulthood
I don’t know that yet, but I can feel it.
my five year old body smacks the ground so hard
that I bounce slightly
before returning to the ground
grass creates more buoyancy than people realize
my stomach acted as my air bag
I don't yet know my arm is broken but I can feel it
the scary part wasn't the tickling I ran away from
wasn't all those emotions flooding into my head before the take off
wasn't even jumping off the roof not anticipating an after
it was lying among the blades of grass
crying from my own frustration,
not earnestly expecting someone to come for me
after all
my parents are wining and dining with their friends
all inside while merry loud music plays
the scary part is the stillness after the plunge
like waiting for an end that will never come
and now that five-year-old has grown
but that courage, that fearlessness
the now seventeen-year-old girl is still envious of that.
now she sits in her room
cowering at the thought of death
a good 60 or so years left
what does it matter?
it will come anyway.
it seems odd that someone so ready for it all to end as young as five
came to cringe at words like "bone" or "blood"
any reminder of the impending
the unavoidable
the only fate she believes in
wishing she had the courage of a five year old
to stop her pathetic panic attacks
and night terrors
the five-year-old took control of her destiny
the eighteen-year-old hides from it
some say the unknown is scary
I say more times than not
the known is scarier
my fear fed by what I know is true
but feel powerless to stop
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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intense.
how are you? -
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p.s.
I feel like no refreshments allowed is a bit like this, but a better version and more intended for something like spoken word (though it is a bit long). -
wierd
not expecting comments from you.
life is good, actually. this is an old poem i finally decided to put up.
I can't wait for college, how is mills and how are you? -
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I think I like this version better actually. One of my favorite things about poetry is how it can seem so concrete and still mean everything and anything. I like this because it's concrete, mostly.
And I'm sure you weren't expecting a comment, I wasn't expecting you to reply, to be honest. I've been a little... distant. Okay, very very distant. Sorry.
Anyway. I moved in today and it's been the most amazing day ever. I had a tea party in my room, if that tells you anything. When do you start at Oberlin? (it is Oberlin, right? If not I just sounded like a huge idiot) -
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I wasn't. But I am not rude or anything, if you comment, I will reply.
it doesn't matter, we had our own lives and everything, it isn't wierd to want space. i think it was good and probably much healthier that way. wierdly, i got pretty close with ariel and lisa this summer.
haha...tea party, very nice. no, actually, I decided to go with lisa to smith..
just kidding, it is oberlin. I leave tomorrow morning (early....as in, i recently finished downloading my itunes library to cds, but i have to get up in about an hour, so, i really can't fall asleep and there is no point...which is why i am doing stupid things like playing around on allpoetry). but, orientation actually starts for me on the 28th.
excited to be surrounded by lesbians? haha...that will be interesting....i don't know if i could handle all the estrogen....but i think it's gotta have its up sides too.
as a side note-what classes are you taking?
I won't have internet again for like a week or so (though hopefully i will find a way, because my internet addiction is pathetic), but ya, i hope all goes well at mills.
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