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(Personal) Tortured Mind

Tortured Mind
And broken soul
Scars of pain
Loss of control

Fear and hurt
Anger and regret
With hope and love
The pieces are set

 

See the scars
Faded lightly
Reminders of the past
Thoughts dimmed slightly

 

Lover's words
Evil's smile
Torn in two
Not worthwhile

 

World War 3
Fought inside
Nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide

 

Shiny blade
On skin so fair
Crimson tears
Weep while I stare

 

Love and pain
All is one
In this battle
We've just begun

 

Gun so fair
Peace I find
Tragic end to my
Tortured Mind


Author notes

One of my first poems, and the one that even now I'm most proud of

random fact about me, im australian

In a list

A contest entry

Is this strong, emotionally?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 25 of 25

  • Great Cthulhu
    March 15, 2008

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    Memories...

    This reminded me of some of my early works. Thanks for digging this up and entering. I do enjoy the rhyme scheme! There's a lot of angst wrapped up between the lines, eh?


  • Lyndon gold member
    March 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    This poem is successful.

    It is, undoubtedly, a dark write, as intended.
    The breathy lines [the rationale for their disyllabic and trisyllabic format ] suit the pace and subject.
    The breathiness is indicative of panic, here. And you have portrtayed that well.
    The echoic effect of lines two and four rhyming binds each stanza well.
    I am not concerned with meter so much as the departure from line length which seems more to get yourself a rhyme than by poetic design, to further the poem's excellence. This occurs infrequently, but it occurs, poet.
    "Reminders of the past
    Thoughts dimmed slightly"
    could become
    "Echoes of past
    Dimmed slightly"
    Also,
    "Tragic end to my" => "Prompt end to my"
    allows you to show and not tell us of this obvious tragedy.
    I do think that, with a bit of work in compression, more or less as shown, will give you an excellent poem. I got involved here, and that is a very good sign, I would have thought.


  • AKM Takayuki
    February 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A very nice emotional piece. You displayed the mood of this poem very well. I love the fact that this is such a simple piece, but filled with so much depth.

    The only problem I had with this poem is that there really was no meter. This is perfectly fine as a free verse poem, but I would suggest maybe rewording is to fit a meter, or close to.

    For the first stanza, you could have:

    TOR/tured/ MIND
    BROken/ SOUL
    SCARS/ of/ PAIN
    LOSE/ con/TROL

    and continue the poem like that. Just a thought. It might make the piece read more smoothly.

    Overall, a very nice piece. Great Work.

    ~Takayuki~


  • DarkLotus4Life.
    February 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Great poem, you should have read the last two rules though. But I really did like it.


  • wingsofgold25 silver member
    January 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You did a real good job with this especially being your first one.
    Thank you for the entry and good luck in the contest.


  • Methodic Breakdown
    December 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You definitely have something here. I think you could use some better imagery. The whole "crimson tears" bit seems a little trite to me. I would certainly say there is some strong emotion here. I would recommend reading similar pieces by other writers. I often find that I see things in others' work that inspires me and gives me exactly the phrase or word I've been looking for. Other than that, very well done!
    ~Robby~


    • Epistomolus silver member
      February 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      [TA Training comment]

      When you suggest that someone could use better imagery, please give specific examples of what you would change. Be careful of dismissive comments such as "The whole 'crimson tears' bit seems a little trite to me." Even though you're expressing it as your own opinion, that can come off as a bit harsh, particularly if the phrase is expressing exactly what the poet meant to say.

      Reading more poetry for inspiration is a good suggestion, though, and can pretty much apply to all of us, I fear.


  • aslanlight
    December 16, 2007

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    I suppose a gun would seem 'fair' when its beholder is craving the escape of death or of wanting to rid yourself of someone. I'm not so clear on who the gun is meant for and I find this a little obtuse, perhaps because I'm not certain where 'hope' fits in the second stanza but the emotion here is tangible and the scene highly tragic. I think it ends excellently!

    Peace Georgia

    • Epistomolus silver member
      February 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      [TA Training comment]

      This is a good substantial comment, with some specific feedback on what confuses you and why. I would like to know why you think the ending is excellent — is it the message, the way she turns a phrase, or because it seems to suggest suicide (I hope not the latter!).

      I'm sure you've figured out by now that I will always egg you on to give more detailed feedback as preparation for teaching on AP.

      ~Epistomolus


  • Little Eagle Greeters member
    December 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Hello Abba12 :)

    I have read many poems on here that deal with this subject. The difference between those and yours is that you have made the references to cutting very faint. More of the emotion and subtleness is present in your words instead of the overtness of just telling, you are showing with your word choices. I am not a fan of cutting, often when I read poems such as these they sicken me, but this one was done with taste. Other inferences can be drawn from these words which take on a more metaphorical quality.

    The first line of the last stanza though is where you loose me "Gun so fair", not sure how I can interpret that. How can a gun be fair? That is my only point of confusion though.

    Nice flow and structure, certainly you do indeed have reason to be proud of this for a first write.

    I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.

    God Bless
    Tammy

    • Epistomolus silver member
      February 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      [TA Training comment]

      I'm happy to see you respond in this way to a poem that isn't your personal taste. I have trouble with that myself, and usually have to circle back on a poem a couple of times before I find that positive note to begin on, so well done here. You've done a nice job of telling her what you like about the poem, pulling out a couple of specific examples that show you've read and thought about the poem. I would, naturally, like to see you pull out more examples (such as the inferences from words that take on a more metaphorical quality), but I'm always looking for more, aren't I? Nice job.

    • abba12
      December 16, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      a gun can be seen as fair, beautiful, to someone wishing for death.

      Thanks for the comment I'm glad I didn't make you sick hehe. I don't like poems that 'glorify' it and go into graphic details, I like to think this one dosen't do that, but it instead speaks of the pain and that is just an effect.

      And for the record, things have gotten better now heh.


  • harajukuprincess
    November 5, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This hits a very emotional note with me. i am a recovered self-injurer and i battle with Depression. I have tried to commit suicide 8 times in the last 13 years. You have encaptured all those feeling i have struggled with in the darkest times of those years. thank you so much for the entry! ~~Hara


  • Viyanna Rosemarie silver member
    October 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    thank you for this wonderful entry into my make me feel something contest. i am wishing you the best of luck in all your future writings and in this contest of mine as well. viyanna rosemarie


  • My Selfish Romance
    October 26, 2007

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    This is really excellent and you should be proud of it. Do you mind If I put it on my myspace to give people an Idea of how I feel? You can say no.


  • Immortal Obscurity gold member
    October 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, I can see why you're proud of this! All the rhymers in the contest have been just as good as the freeverse, and it's getting harder and harder to judge this! I actually felt the hollowness in your words, and that, along with the blank background, added an even more eerie feeling to your work. Very well done, and good luck!

    All the best,

    L.

  • Virgoan
    September 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The indifference of this is really good. The tone and images are well crafted. Welcome to the preliminary finalist. I will read this again.

    Thanks so much for participating in my contest. I wish you all the best. I encourage you to keep on writing my friend.

    >>>VIRGOAN


  • StayStrongX
    September 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    WoW

    This is just...amazing, I love the rhythm of it and the how the words are paced! its great, be proud!


  • Austere
    August 31, 2007
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    goo write, good luck.


  • Riftkin gold member
    August 18, 2007

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    this is an emotional poem that held me
    from the first word to the last in this
    thank you for bringing it back out


  • KnightOfTheRose gold member
    August 13, 2007

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    this is so emotionally strong! I really enjoyed reading this piece! Thank you so much for entering!!! Excellent work and the best of luck in my contest!!!


    -Steve-


  • islekine gold member
    August 11, 2007
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    This is very strong, emotionally.

    Thanks for entering!
    *PEACE*


  • Emogirl16
    August 11, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I love this poem,it is very good and it shows the truth in this world


  • silencethequestion
    August 11, 2007

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    you should DEFFINITLY be very proud of this work. i love it a lot. im bookmarking this one. good work and keep it up


  • Manda Kathryn Greeters member
    August 11, 2007

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    Welcome to AllPoetry

    abba12,

    This is a wonderful poem
    I like how the rhyming isn't force it flows so gracefully down the page creating images of pain and sadness

    I look forward to reading more from you
    Enjoy AllPoetry
    Stay safe
    ~Amanda

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