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when we were kids

WHEN WE WERE KIDS

When we were kids, we would climb trees, we would bang our heads we would skin our knees, when we would ask we would always say please,
We would play out all day, but be back for tea, it was a fun time to be kids for you and for me,

There were no C.D. players or colour telly, us kids were in heaven with just ice cream and jelly, we would pay out quite happy even in the deep snow, and moan like crazy when we had to go,

Out one hour after getting out of bed, we would go and play war, in my dads old shed,
If we got thirsty and we’d have to stop, we’d have a glass of water, called corporation pop, we’d scrump apples and make our selves sick, and dad would threaten to whack us with a big stick,

At school in the play ground we’d play kiss chase, well except for big Brenda as she’d slap your face, we were boys through and through, sometime loud most times rude,
The games that we played in our group, in our gang, were boy’s games, not girlies
Games, with skipping and such, no as for girls, well we didn’t care for them to much,
 
They wouldn’t play who can fart the loudest, that went to Steve a title of which he was proudest, or who can pee the highest of all, that was eggo, just watch me he said,
He held his breath, till he was near death, then let fly with blood curdling cry, and peed like there was no tomorrow, but a small gust of wind, captured the stream, and he managed to pee on the top of his head, we fell about laughing, we just couldn’t stop, it was funnier than Brenda getting into a strop, we rolled with mirth, and giggled with glee to see poor eggo cover with pee,

Forty years later I’m married to Brenda, with three kids two of them boys, the world has changed, but I miss those days, of innocence, and pure fun, when boys were boys and girls were confusing, well there not really any better even thirty years on, eggo is bald, as bald as a coot, and Steve well he died in a crash. But we all still get together once or twice a year, we drink our drinks, then we all stand a toast to Steve the loudest farter in all the land.         

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • thepoetsings
    July 6, 2008

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    Editorials...yay! (Line numbers according to the "show line numbers" function.)

    - line 5. "dad's" needs an apostrophe
    - line 7. Typo? - "sometimes"; maybe a comma after "loud"
    - line 9. Should be "too"
    - line 11. Comma after "Steve"; capitalize "Eggo" (also lines 12 & 13); maybe capitalize "Just" to emphasize someone is saying something?
    - line 12. Hyphenate "blood-curdling"; no comma after "wind"; "cover" -> "covered"
    - line 13. Some kind of punctuation after "kids" would be helpful; "there" -> "they're"; some sort of punctuation after "Steve"
    - Just a personal preference - there are so many commas that the sentences are a bit overwhelming. It might read more smoothly if you looked at using other punctuation more often. As I'm really looking for poetry, you might also consider breaking up the lines a bit; it's somewhat prose-y right now

    I will comment further on the content/my impression when judging the contest. Thanks for your entry!


  • creationsfromheart
    December 30, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    I do not see where this has won a HM

    Good luck in the contest!


  • innocence jaded.xx
    September 8, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Great write ! I really liked this, and it speaks a lot of truth. Things have definitely changed :] But I guess it's not such a bad thing. haha

    "There were no C.D. players or colour telly, us kids were in heaven with just ice cream and jelly"

    Haha I really liked those lines. Definitely true=]
    Thanks for entering and good luck!


  • xxRainbowDawnxx
    September 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Although I did watch TV and the such as a little girl... I loved the basic things most. I used to love collecting acorns that fell. Bit weird, I know. But I thought it was fun. Got so many stingy nettles [that's what we called them] sting me though! Ah the good old days, you are right. Loved the freshness and beauty of this, many young people these days miss going out into the countryside and seeing true beauty. I'm 17 by the way, I'm not that old but I like to think I'm somewhat wise!

  • tiarna
    August 26, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    great write well done


  • xXGoddessofPainXx
    August 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    hey sorry but we don't accept stories only poems..

1 - 6 of 6