The walls are closing in
I'm know I'll never win
I put my fists up ready to fight
But I cannot move for the chains are too tight
I hear a scream of terror from another room
Then a cool breeze wanders disguised because it is really doom
I knew that whoever was in the other room is gone
And i too would be before dawn
Then I finnaly knew
That if I want to be happy I'll have to leave the earth too
So I took a deep breath and looked death in the eye
And I tell death I'm ready to die
Author notes
this one aint that good
A contest entry
- A Quickie Contest...... Rhymning (720 points) 48 Hours Extending it a bit longer! by Heavens Child.
600 points, ended August 24, 2007, 47 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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ooh this is sad im sorry about u loseing ur mom
-hugs- u seam swee -
Just a suggestion about the rhythm and flow:
Even if you'll be learning about poetry in English this year, your professor may not teach you the things you want to learn. Go to him/her for explanation of poetic forms, but don't simply rely on school for help with poetry.
I began writing poetry in February of this year, and while I'm still hopeless at writing, I'm less hopeless than I was nine months ago, all thanks to reading. Read books on how poems work, about metre, form, flow, structure. There's a book I'm reading called "How a Poem Means" (at least I think that's the title), and it's pretty good. Also, head over to oldpoetry.com and read from the masters. If you adore, say, rhyming poems, read those, and note how the poet conveys meaning through whatever poetic devices (or lack thereof) that he/she uses. Read the poems aloud; it'll give you a better sense of flow and metre.
(Another hint in regard to the last point: after you've written a poem, don't post it immediately. Open the file [or remove the paper from hiding] after a day or two, and read it aloud. If you catch any jolted flow, any rhyme that refuses to fit, take note of it and think on ways to make it work. Don't force it.)
--Cristina -
yeah I get alot of comments on how bad my rythm and flow are but hey we never learned poetry in school except for lymrics.. im hoping to inprove that this year because im in advaced literature and english and he is supposed to teach us poetry
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i think its pretty good, you might want to work on the rythm though, it didnt flow very well, but it did have a good... meaning... i guess you could say, and thats whats important... right?
~Nick
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Very dark.... I like the way you've written it as if death is coming after you. Thank you for sharing and for entering my contest.
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Wow, half sleep huh? It would be great even for fully awake wonderful job sister!
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yeah i wrote this when i was half asleep in like 7 minutes
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