I can't remember a time when someone
looked at me like they cared.
I don't even remember anyone pretending;
their hatred is so much more direct.
And there are stars upon these boulevards,
but they've all fallen from
the weight of all our wishes.
Even the beauty queens feel inadequate
when they're staring at their mistakes.
And I think I've become a mistake to you.
I've never been fixed from the
million times I've been left broken;
maybe you should stay.
Because I want to find a place
unlike anywhere I've ever had to be.
The smog and all the memories are
slowly stealing all the oxygen
from Hope[less] Mills.
I'm afraid I won't get out of here.
There are too many demons holding me
to three years ago that I can't escape from.
I'm suffocating from all of the lies
everyone's been telling me lately.
But I still believe them.
Author notes
My name is Ash-er-mah-leigh.
I chose option 2: Asphyxia.
I also used option 3, drawing inspiration from Matchbox 20's "Push":
**"I don't know if I've ever been really loved..."**
**"Don't just stand there, say nice things to me
'Cause I've been cheated, I've been wronged"**
It is also a bit more fragilely related to "3am" by the same artist. I'm not sure if it's enough to count:
**"...well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes'"**
I think that's everything I have to put. It helped that I have this song on my computer to listen to while writing. Other than that, I just want you to know that YOU, Marc, made me do this contest. Don't blame me for the terrible mess that comes from it. I'm not sure if I'll edit this.
(Reference for anywhere else reading; I live in Hope Mills. That's where the name in stanza 7 came from. Also, all of this poem is split into separate stanzas because with each change in thought process it's talking about a different person I've come in contact with.)
A contest entry
- Like Strands of Fist and Bone by Saint Gut-Free.
600 points, ended October 7, 2007, 29 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-Write Appreciation Day 2007 by Kimojuno.
1000 points, ended September 14, 2007, 102 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
....Get stuffed.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Fears can smother a person until they die....
This is a wonderful and powerful and very heartfelt piece. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Keep up the great work and thanks for sharing =]
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Thank you for entering.
Wow nicely done-perfectly stating the effect of asphyxiation and the thought process of someone going through such things.
Being drowned in all the lies of those around you, despite how they treat you, you know they are lying and the truth is nowhere to be found. You mention, of course, about people not even bothering to lie just telling you they don't like you-what's worse, right?
Life is good but people are not, unfortunately us humans have (basically) ruined this place, but alas what to do? Thankfully there are real friends out there, but you just need to find them through all the losers in the crowd, but if one looks long enough they are bound to be found eventually.
Good write! -
Wow this was simply BEAUTIFUL! If I had to choose a favorite stanza, it would be:
"And there are stars upon these boulevards,
but they've all fallen from
the weight of all our wishes."
The message in that was really powerful and effective, yet simple, and it made me really sad. T__T The whole poem was full of raw emotion that really invoked empathy in the reader, which, of course, is exactly what a poet wants. In other words, I'm telling you that this poem was freakin BRILLIANT. And the last line is so beautiful and closes the poem so perfectly.
Twas spectacularrrr!
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Holy crap! amazing, amazing amazing. really gripping. I can't even begin to find a part that is my fave, but I can tell you a part I don't like.
Stanza 8, "I'm afraid I won't get out of here". flow here seems interupted. I see that this is a very personal piece, but I found that I could relate to everything except the "demons holding me
to three years ago that I can't escape from." it alienated me as a reader, because I don't have a point of reference. It's overly personal. The wording is also a bit awkward.
But your word choice, is amazing.
"And I think I've become a mistake to you.
I've never been fixed from the
million times I've been left broken;
maybe you should stay."
- I know you don't really like me, but I don't care because I want you near me. amazingly powerful, and so true.
You've really captured a lot in this piece, and it's truly amazing. Thank you for writing it.
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I'm so glad you took the time to stop by and read this.
It's one of the most uplifting comments I've received in a long time. Thank you.
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"And there are stars upon these boulevards"
Yay for Augustana inspiration.
You're so harsh, dear- I love this piece. Your fourth stanza, in particular, is an epitome of the witty, introspective poet that you are. Yes, you're a poet. Accept it, dammit.
Your take on the title is brilliant; exactly the metaphor I had in mind when I wrote that option. Damn these small towns. And your final line has this beautiful, self-destructive property that really brings the poem home.
I really can't find anything to critique properly. You honestly tackled this theme brilliantly.
Happy-clappy for following the rules
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THANKYOU! I'm so glad you like it;
it's your opinion that really matters.
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OH my god. Firstly, sorry it's taken me so long to respond. I've been gone for an entire day and a half, which is unusual for me.
Secondly... there is no critique that can be given for such an absolutely PERFECT (yes, really. perfect.) piece of writing.
This is... incredible. I am blown away. I knew that you were SO talented, and I've LOVED all of your stuff... But this is quite honestly one of the best pieces I have ever read. I would like to quote all of it. Really. Please just allow me to copy and paste the entire thing. haha.
but seriously-
okay no. I can't pick. I loved it all. absolutely stunnnnnnning.
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Wow...
I wasn't expecting such rave reviews about this one.
To be honest, I wrote this and reread it and was like...
"Icky."
For everyone to be praising it so vehemently is shocking.
But I'm glad you enjoyed it. Really.
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"never been fixed from all the times I've been broken" and "I want to find a place unlike anywhere I 've had to be" were both powerful phrases indicative of choking and being asphyxiated,this option appealed to me too,we can feel throttled to death by life,the wordplay within hope(less)mills was effective it gave the allusion of milling about in circles of hopelessness.An intesely emotional write with depth,it would have been easy to describe the physical but you went for the weave of emotions and compounded the slow,slow strangulation and any slow death is worse than a quick one,this has strands of both fist and bone.
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