Picnic table
Rotten corpse
Little shadows
In the Church.
Burn the babies
Split the frost
Light the fires
What's the cost?
All the forests
Singing songs
Holding candles
All night long.
Little raft
Floating by
Father's tears
Roll down the country side.
Killed a man
Who never wished
Harm to anyone
Especially his kids.
Children dead
Floating by
Sad to see
Your Father cry.
Little shadows
In the Church
Haunt the graves
Is this the worst?
Already dead
But not enough
God may be caring
But, I tell you now
All his followers
Don't give a shit.
Author notes
I'm kind of proud of this one. I've been hurt by churches enough, this about expresses it. Lots of images and what not, quite enjoy it. Swearing at the end though, sorry; but it helps deepen how I feel. I think Gods real and I think he cares, but alot of his "people" are annoying and stupid to say the least. If you'd like elaborating on any lines message me.
A contest entry
- Prewrites that dont suck. by parachute fog.
400 points, ended October 20, 2007, 93 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Expressive, but criptic
A very passionate write.
The one line that sticks out is already addressed in the other comments and they both make valid points.
The vivid imagery you display is quite impressive considering how few words you chose to use.
I think that in choosing the topic you did, you addressed a very poignant issue. I myself am the son of a pastor and a believer, but that only makes me agree with you even more. The church has hurt many people.
I sincerely hope that you someday find a church that does love right, and truly tries to serve others.
Blessings,
C
ps-well done!
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Burn the babies
Split the frost
Light the fires
What's the cost?
that prolly one of the best rhymes i've heard in a while.
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This is amazing! The line, "Roll down the country side" fits perfectly, even if it sticks out a little. I really enjoyed reading it. Most humans are stupid, selfish creatures, and they all think that they'll be rewarded in the end. You hit that point dead-on.
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"Roll down the country side." - this line cuts on the flow before it, and after it. You have short and concise lines, yet this one isn't short and concise. I would suggest rewording it to mean the same thing, in a shorter line, or just click enter after "the", and have that verse be 5 lines, instead of the overall 4 lines throughout the poem.
A nice poem that you have written here.
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Organized religion is dangerous. I think this is quite the poem you have here.
♥
whisper
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Oh bravo! This poem captures so nicely the way that just because God cares, doesn't mean his followers always do. When anyone ever asks if you go to church or not, they seem to think you suddenly worship satan because you don't, or because you don't follow their religion the way they want it followed. I believe many of the christain faith hurt more than they help. Great job on this! Your words usage and placement was amazing.
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There is such an intense amount of personal satisfaction and feelings of liberation to the mind and spirit when the ink flows so freely from our pen, divulging the thoughts, feelings and emotions that we so often set aside, hide or otherwise ignore. I sense that free spiritedness in your work here.
♥ Touchof1der
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