Why tell me you care?
when no longer your word's you can not share?
why say things you don't mean?
once when you was sounding so keen,
was it all fake?a pretense show?
left with feelings that are still raw,
cant blame you..not your fault,
but on my wounds your like a pinch of salt,
time has passed and words left unsaid,
mixed emotions are stored in my head,
you once said i should have kept my pride,
but with you my pride i had to hide,
didn't relies what you meant..till you was gone,
from out them all to me you shone,
but you was nothing more than i lie,
thats some thing i can not deny.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
-
you blended your poetry very well here, and i like it . it was hot *sweat, pant, pant*XD very good poem.
-
Like it.
Not going to go on about spelling and such, I'm not a critic, I liked it, it shows promise and emotion.
You obviously have something to say, go for it.
-
-
Well you might as well since every one else has a problem with the poem.people should learn to keep there comments to them self if there not nice.
-
-
Good write
Exllent poem -
i love this poem
favorite line would have to be
"you once said i should have kept my pride,
but with you my pride i had to hide"
my ex girlfriend has that situation when she dated my other exgirlfriend in the closet
that line could go for anything! loving this those, you're a great poet
-
"when no longer your word's you can not share?" -- like Amy Sharpe pointed out, this is incorrect. Also, it's "words" and "cannot." Something like, "when you no longer can share your words" might fit.
"cant blame you..not your fault" -- can't.
"didn't relies what you meant..till you was gone" -- realise; ellipses are unnecessary; were.
"but you was nothing more than i lie" -- were; a lie?
"thats some thing i can not deny" -- that's; something; cannot.
To be completely honest, the rhyme is forced. While it's not too elementary in terms of end rhymes (thank [metaphorical] god there's no love/dove, me/be rhymes), it's so forced. You invent strange sentence structures to fit the rhyme with no regard to metre and flow, and while inversion and such can be done well, it didn't fit with the tone of the poem. Overall, this was so, so awkward.
Pay attention to punctuation. Not every non-question line ends in a comma; there are such things as fullstops and appropriate punctuation wherever necessary.
Overall, diction was bland... but rhyme is hard to work with. This was so hindered by weak words and messy form. You have the seeds of a great idea here; I'd love to see you experiment and write something fantastic.
--Cristina
PS: A bit blunt, je sais, so apologies for that. -
hank you... Your's is very well written. Love IT...
-
mistake 1:"no longer your words you can not share" is a gramar mistake... your contradicting what you just said (it's like saying "i didn't do nothing") what it should be is either when your you cannot share, or when your whem no longer your words you can share." or something... It still doesn't really make a proper sentence but i don't think you hgave to in poetry.
mistake 2:"once when you was sounding so keen" was should be were.
3:relies is the wrong word what you wanted was realise. relys has a different meaning altogether "the dog relies on its owner to give him food"
and that's just the ones I've picked up this time round. sorry if that sounded rude but I just thought I'd point out that you DID have spelling/ gramar mistakes as I said before -
This is amazing! Great poem, I love it
-
Very True
Very wonderful heartfelt write, was a pleasure to read ty so much for sharing, my respects to you.....jack -
woaw!
This is quite a powerful piece. It is like a very good relationship which has now soured. It is sad these things happen but atleast we then are not living a lie anymore.
good job on the poem!
-
Wow. This is brilliantly written.
The rhyme was fantastic- I liked this (usually end line rhyme is not my favourite, but this was awesome!)
Your wording is great too. This was amazing! I loved everything about this. Could relate in some ways but you expressed it so well. Wonderful job!
Keep writing! 
-
This is good. I can relate to this. I like the line - "but on my wounds your like a pinch of salt" exactly how I felt about my ex! Well written.
-
thanks so much i need the support right now
-
you might want to check your gramar... it makes no sense init and your spelling ... there is a spell check on all poetry so there's not really an excuse for bad spelling
-
-
i dont actually see any spelling mistakes.and i know theres a spell check.
-
-
this poem iz realii gd .. && i can realiih relate tew it .. ..//**
-
this poem rocks! i can relate to it and it brings back memories of the time i felt my heart about to break. you have trully out done yourself with this poem!!!
Adding your comment:
1 - 18 of 18
