Spin me around on this dance floor you've created. The dust flies off the old windows when you open them for air. My lips are swollen from passionate kisses and late night affairs. I've always wanted to be infamous. We'll run off together, leave behind this world of dirt. They'll giggle and laugh, but we both know that they'll never feel this way. Hang me from my fingernails as they rake down your back. I've always wanted to fall into you, over you. Write me a broken headline about the way I've walked out on you. Make it tempting, make me weak. I want to be your victim, your original sin. All I've been wanting is some romantice nostalgia, to take us back to the days when we were young and in love. Back when I believed everything you said, when you were perfect, when you were mine.
Author notes
option #2 && Manorexic
A contest entry
- Like Strands of Fist and Bone by Saint Gut-Free.
600 points, ended October 7, 2007, 29 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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this is killer!! i love the way you wrote it. excellent
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'i want to be your victim'
the last line ties everything together perfectly and interestingly. I loved the way you wrote this. the format is original and the words itself unexplainably intrigueing. Lovely!! -
"I've always wanted to fall into you, over you."
great line as are some others in this piece but I have to agree with guilt that this would flow so much smoother with some line breaks added into it. All over a good write though and best wishes in the contest
Ruth
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DANM THIS IS GOOD.
I never turned out to be the person that you wanted me to be...lol. Of course the title is the grab..I'll tell ya right from the heart..this is f...ing Brilliant. It's absolutely wild.... Im blown away at so many aspects of this, it must be described in different terminology then other poems I have read by others. Visual , Magical , they are not good enough. To me your really out of the box,this was like a quick little movie, like the ones that start out in black and white then end in color. Black and white up to...your original sin [thinking what could be,] Then in color from...All I've been wanting..... [bringing back a sunny day.]
FREAKIN LOVED IT!
BLESSINGS MY GYPSY FRIEND.
LOWELL POE. -
Ahh. The relief of someone following the rules. I've just gotten through a block of entries wherein they were ignored entirely, haha.
Now then, for the actual critique. Kudos on getting just about the right ammount of DirtyPretty
This is what I like- some witty turns of phrase, some flashing imagery and a rush of conflicting emotions. Your take on the title is very interesting, and for the most part this piece is original-feeling. Very attention grabbing. Very trapped-in-the-moment.
My biggest criticism is with your flow- I think this piece would read with much more rhythm if it had some line-breaks- this is a perfect piece where the tempo could be set suitably just by putting a line break after each complete sentence.
Best of luck, and happy-clappy for following the rules
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love it love it.... funny enough it made me feel nostalgic , and has perhaps a tainted air of romance? i dunno? but i like it.... deserves a definate gold
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