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ocean of life

i feel the water rising up in my lungs
i can't stop it
the pressure way too much to handle
i try to yell for help but no one can hear me
im drowning and no one can help me

the water is in my mouth
im trying to spit it out but
its not working
can anybody even see me??


the water flooding my brain
i hear and feel my body shutting down
organ by organ
til i can't feel nothing anymore


i see all my failures and sucesses
my wrongs and my rights
i see every tear i cried
saw every cut i made
saw how much i suffer in my 16 years of life

i am drowning in the ocean of life
and i died

Author notes

drowning XxdefiantloveangelXx

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • Fairies on Fire
    December 19, 2007

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    This could benfit work on simple stuff like capitalisation of 'I' and 'I'm' and some punctuation as well as the meatier things like some more metaphor and poetic devices to keep the interest and make this stand as a poem, not jsut a train of thought.
    I do really like the line "i am drowning in the ocean of life" though, but the 'and I died' was, I think, not the best, it seemed really overdramatic (melodramatic maybe) which didnt add anything, it jsut came across and bit 'attention desperate teen' - not to be a bitch or anything but its something I say alot about poetry....especially cutter/death poetry.
    take care, hope any of this helps...xxx


  • near1202apocalypse
    October 20, 2007
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    This portrayed a break up in a very sad way! very good write!


  • adsaige
    October 4, 2007

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    Judged

    Your tenses messes me up and the poem, it trips up the reader...the imagery not very strong, and the poeticness is loss in just simple things that can be rectified. Perhaps the simple fact that the potential is lost in the short lines, the little meaning, the emotion is not present, it doesn't hold my attention.

    Perhaps, I could re-write this and show you want I'm lookign for in this particular poem, then you can re-write it, ok?

    Thank you for entering and good luck.


  • Lick On Her1275
    September 15, 2007

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    a very great way to express your poetic side and the creativity and the format of it all was very nice it was a pleasure to have me read your contest entry


  • misticmoonlite gold member
    September 14, 2007

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    good dood poem here, ocean breeze,nature reigns so nicely, good over all job on this,good luck in the contests..mm


  • PassionsPromise gold member
    September 10, 2007

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    This inded was awesome.
    I actually cant say anything more tehn already has been said. Awesome.
    tory
    best wishes to you


  • Freakish-Lizzie
    September 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this is great. I like the line "I am drowning in the Ocean of Life" however at the end it says "And I died", this stops the flow and sounds harsh, in a way kind of makes the poem awkward. I think if you want it to be harsh sounding you could change the punctuation a little
    i.e Have a couple of full stops at the end.. Make Each Word In The Line Have A Capital Letter. Apart from that I like the way the first four stanzas flow, I like the way anyone can connect with it emotionally, there are so many feelings here, and I know so many people can relate to this.
    Keep up the good work.


  • whiterabbit.
    August 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I love this and I have been there so many times it's horrible. Wonderful write.


  • TheStupidLamb
    August 9, 2007

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    wow. This is absolutely amazing. So vivid, felt like I was drowning with you. Awesome job and thanks for entering my contest.

1 - 9 of 9