Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

RavensAndRoses

The ebony wings, of a bird in flight
do smother the anxiety she feels.
Watching the rose petals,
fall from the sky,
She understands now, she is real.
And on the horizon,
as the sun starts to rise,
and ashes fall over the world,
she realizes
that this is her life.
There is nothing she can do to change it [[unless...]]
There is nothing to make her feel.
And not feeling anything?
Its the worst thing to feel.

Author notes

Option 2 OuTofBOUNDS

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Saint Gut-Free
    August 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I love the metaphor running in this piece. Very gentle, yet stark poetry. You create a nice flow which does well in enhancing the idea of pensiveness and introspect you start with. I'd say that this looks promising for progression to the next round, but it's early days... Still, I like this piece a lot.

    I did feel, however, that it all kind of struggled and ground to a halt in your last two lines. The flow definitely breaks down, as does the soft texture of your words and ideas. The concept of feeling hollow and apathetic is one that's done so often in poetry; so to make it work, you really need to find at least a more poetic, original, perhaps abstract way of flowing, and it needs to be fluent- the ending just doesn't feel natural.

    If you decide to edit your ending, please let me know and I shall take another look. If not; nothing to worry about, because I shall be re-reading when it comes to judging to read it in comparison with other entries. Best of luck

    Also, could I please double check with you- Is "OuTofBOUNDS" your username?


    • broken.inside.xx
      August 9, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      yes it is my username I agree,I'm just trying to figure out how to change it so that it flows properly, but thanks for the constructive critism

      • Saint Gut-Free
        August 9, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        In that case, you get happy-clappies for following the rules, because Ifelt a bit pedantic in writing them

        And you're more than welcome- For most people I know here, it's the best thing about the site.

        Good luck in any editing you do, and hey, as of now, you're the only entry, so until I get twenty more, you're definitely through anyways, lol.