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Author notes
like everything else... rough draft.
Would love a suggestion on the title. As we all know, I suck at them.
A contest entry
- closes soon by Melissa Gayle.
500 points, ended August 10, 2007, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
fuck titles. Really.
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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I love the feel of those first few stanzas and then the punch of the "you were the last thing I expected". You build up to it beautifully and then round the piece out brilliantly.
And the format of this piece as well is just eye catching. Excellent, but of course I expected nothing less.
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The theatre and music often take a moment and expand it into a performing arts exeprience that lasts ten or fifteen minutes
I don't know if poetry can do the same
this is an attempt
that has the elements of poetry to it
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"silence pushed my feet
to stand on the ledge, sneak a peek down
where the sidewalk leads on to forever"
I agree with everyone else's comments, my Friend. Except Scott's...I think he really was comin' 'round the corner. 
I also think Nicole has a point. My eyes kinda stumbled on that part, too...but they quickly recovered their balance, knowing what was in store. You're an incredibly gifted writer, Sweetie. I always enjoy a trip to your pages...the scenery is so vivid & luminous. Yeahhh, even your titles. 
You're too hard on yourself. Gee, you must be a Poet or somethin'. 
Good luck in Melissa's contest. 
Wanda
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I new I was going to like this poem before I read it, because you put it in the dual categories "adult" and "quickie." Then I read the poem, and that categorization made even more sense.
The imagery of the evening is crafted wonderfully -- I particularly liked the image of the beetle banging into the screen door. The vision of the past (I think) lover coming to the poet, and the poet knowing in advance the collision between reason and emotion that is forthcoming, also is excellent. Like Nicole mentioned below, the very written style of the piece is intriguing, with the breaks and declinations in words and sentences. All around a very well-written work. I don't believe for a second that this was a "quickie" in the sense of composition. Not that I don't approve of quickies, mind you.
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How about..
"things that go bump in the night"..
lol.
I adored this, yup..dahlin, five o'clock shadows, and
half-smiles get to me too.
I would've lingered to long too.
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First off, the form to this is exquisite, but you've been doing a lot of that lately, so I'm not really surprised to see you're becoming a master at making poetry interesting to LOOK at. Second, the first half of the first stanza was beautiful, especially the kittens line. I got a little stuck with "before I had the chance to suck back in". Though the whole piece has a very prose-like feel (which I love), this line seemed to be the most unpoetic out of the bunch and just felt too casual for the great lines before it, and the great stanza to follow it.
And yeah, the entire second stanza is stunning. All those details that don't end up sounding like a list, but really flow naturally... you gotta knack for that, let me tell you.
There's a story, a moment, but more than that, you managed to capture the essence of that moment, the emotions and all the things that make a moment tangible and relatable. Damn fine writing -
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I think you may be right about my "sucking" line. I'll have to tinker with that.
Thank you.
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so full of images sounds and emotion
this is a strong piece
and the end line is jolly good too
elaine
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oh wow...first off, keep the title, its what drew me to read it..second the imagery was awesome...I was there above that street with you...so much imagery but without rambling all over the place...amazing, truly amazing...
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This is great - I never expected me coming around a corner would inspire such imagery...lol. (Okay, before the scandal starts, folks, she was just imagining me coming around the corner...lol)
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lol You're so cute.
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I don't think I've ever seen so much imagery packed into one poem...
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thank you.
LOL Yeah, I like to over-do things.
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