Why would I capture wings a-fire
In sunset’s gilding glare;
Why would I compass the redwood’s pyre
Against a dawning flare;
Or in sound re-create a mica-flash
That stutters stark granite walls;
Or a violet’s glint on a window sash
As the westering sun-stare falls;
Or riotous roses restrain within ink,
In blunt-word black-on-white;
Struggle to limn ripe apricots’ pink,
A falling leaf’s whimsical kite?
Yet still I pursue the mockingbird’s strain,
Silk currents, unfettered and wild;
I struggle … and ever despair to attain
The pure vision by which I’m beguiled.
Author notes
A compression of the original version for conciseness, image, and intensity. Thanks.
A contest entry
- What Makes A Poet? by pen-inhand.
1900 points, ended August 15, 2007, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Looking for Quality Poetry ... by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended January 11, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 1st Second Chance Contest from Quality poetry contest by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended January 17, 2008, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Oh, this takes my breath away. The description, the longing, the pattern all here.
A poet's poem. -
This is written in the style of the old poets, the rhythm, theme and the way how lines follows - with question marks (although they are not written). Also, it is very complex. Congratulations for this shiny silver trophy.
~Sonja~
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You strive to put in poetry
The beauty of each sight
So that by means of artistry
It can't be put to flight
Not all will hear the mockingbird
Or see the sunset rare
But thanks to your poetic word
Of these things they're aware.
But mainly you do it because you are a poet, and as thise poem proves, a bloody good one.
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Thanks for the poem-for-a-poem. And the gracious comment. Both much appreciated.
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I don't know ...
quite what bothers me about this one. It's very well written, and the imagery in the first three stanzas almost took my breath away. The insight in the last three likewise. I guess, part of it is that this is actually two poems, not one, and the two parts are not really suited to each other. I'd suggest that the last 3 stanzas are your poem and that you could take the first three, add one more to finish it off and you've have a perfect poem in both instances.
Thanks for entering and Happy New Year. -
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Thanks for the comments, the insights, the multiple readings, and the silver. All very much appreciated. I like the poem much better now; it says what I intended more compactly without as much meandering. Thanks again.
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I know no higher compliment than to try to reflect a beautiful poem by saluting it in verse, not to mention it is excellent practice!
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well it is so obvious to me that you have found the answer to this vexing riddle, and happiness, the effort is truly the thing; well done poet...PK
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Thank you. I'm pleased the poem spoke to you as it did to me.
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Well writ'...and a sentiment I feel often. words don't ever seem to do justice to the strength of all our senses combined, but the heart forces we writers to try. So try we do.
The only thing that I see that might improved is line 17, which might move better as, "Silky currents, unfettered strong." (simply removing the word "and") Though honestly I am not sure if that would be better or worse. As always, that author's desire prevails...I merely point out what my thoughts encompass
Again, you have penned a strong poem. Keep them flowing.
-Thefallout
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The 'and' is there primarily to maintain an anapestic three-stress line: "Silky CURrents, unFETtered and STRONG." From that perspective, and from the essentially anapestic rhythm of the stanza itself, I think it needs to be there. But then again, I hear the poem the way my mind intended it to be read; in actual practice, the stresses might not work quite that smoothly.
Thanks for the careful reading and the gracious comments. Much appreciated. -
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true...the trouble always is that the poet hears what he intends the reader to hear, but the reader doesn't always hear what the poet intends. Either way, the piece works powerfully.
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This is a wonderful poem ...
first rate in my book. It's going to be a difficult contest to judge as I have a half dozen good ones so far. Thanks for entering and Merry Xmas.
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Again and again, thank you for your responses and your comments. I value your expertise and critical acumen. I'm going to go to the contest in a few moments and read some of the others; thanks for hosting it.
Best to you and yours for the Season.
Michael
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This is a wonderful piece, beautiful metaphors and each line flowed into the next with great ease. Bob says, I like this! Best of luck to you, and thanks so much for entering our contest! Kelly
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Delightful! I love the "mica-flash that stutters stark granite walls", and the entire last three stanzas! The final stanza is an excellent sum up of writing. Quite enjoyable!
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Beautiful write. Did have to look up one word (limn)
(Bob, it means portray). Your point is well taken, and true. We strive to flesh out the elusive with pen to page.
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Beautifully spoken
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