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Through the flames

 

Barrel of scattered memories

burning in the night

Pictures of past love life

To rid of so polite

 

 

Tears rushing down with agony

As I watch you fold and melt

Loosing every inch of you

and the sufferage that I felt

 

 

Rising fumes polute the air

Smokey dreams then fade

As our life begins to ash

with the reflections that we made

 

 

Through the flames lifting high

The warmth of lover's blame

Barrel of all remembrance

non-existent we became

 

 

 

Author notes

Prompt 3 ire proof

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 15 of 15

  • Danna Hobart
    October 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Because I got so many entries, I am going to judge this a little different than I normally do. On the contest page the challenge was to write a rhyming poem that shows instead of tells, with imagery and metaphor galore. In addition to those things, I am going to take the meter and rhythm into account along with originality. So I am going to award points for each of those things and then sort of tally them at the end to decide on the winners.

    Show vs. Tell: 90/100

    Nearly half of your lines show rather than tell, which is a good ratio.

    Concrete Images: 90/100

    Your images, the barrel and the flames are strong.

    Metaphor/Simile/Allusion: 90/100

    The whole poem is symbolic of a break-up, turning memories to ash.

    Originality: 80/100

    Your strongest and most original lines were the first part of your second stanza.

    Meter: 80/100

    The 4th line does not have any imagery in it, and it seems forced to rhyme with the previous line.

    In line 12, I feel the first “the” could be removed to help the rhythm.

    Mistakes: -10

    You misspelled both “sufferage” and “pollute.”

    Suggestions:

    burning in the night

    ***This is completely my own thing, but whenever possible, I like to use the action verb instead of the present participle, because the action verb is stronger, for example:

    burns in the night


  • Silvos. silver member
    September 27, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I like it alot, very good work.

    -Silvos.


  • LadyDementia gold member
    September 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Great work, good luck!


  • Peteskid gold member
    September 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    you have some skill at getting expression into the rhyming, that i think is the hard part, very well done; something about burning those photos...PK


  • crystallynnbradford
    September 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    i really like this piece, it's very different from other poems that i have recently critiqued...I like it


  • Myjoy gold member
    September 5, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is really emotional. Well done and congrads on the bronze twice! Well done.


  • Ninth-Poet
    August 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Creatively refreshing!

    what a piece of flowy sad emotions. This pain burned like a stinging passionate pain. This is all expressed in a delicate elegance.

    -Keep the ink flowing!
    -Good luck in the contest!
    -Sage of the east


  • amaranthine lover gold member
    August 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    this is well thought out thanks for the entry


  • xXLoveXx
    August 20, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    thank you for your wonderful entry in this contest! you are truly talented. points and trophies dont need that to prove it!


  • KnightOfTheRose gold member
    August 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent write! I really enjoyed reading this piece!!! I loved the picture you chose and the font both made the piece even stronger!! Thank you so much for entering!! Excellent work and the best of luck in my contest!!!


    -Steve-


  • storiesuntold gold member
    August 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Written well

    Yes good and bad memories weigh each other out and love is left behind


  • Idle Mind Wondering silver member
    August 8, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    sad and a little harsh but a well done rhyme scheme


  • Amorous Arms
    August 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    very nice. i love the tangibility of it all. very sincere and loving like the life is lost for all time. very good =] good luck in the contest


  • Amorous Arms
    August 8, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    options are up =]

1 - 15 of 15