i stumble, shudder, look real quick
it's coming for me they say
Black and White
in my last light
i break and fade away...
the midnight's growing faster
the twilight's frozen hair
if fire swallows all the rain
then spiders flit and tear...
in my minds eye im crashing
im burning with the flames
im done with rearranging
every soul that comes my way...
so in this spirit i will float
and float and float i may
when dark shreds off my masking skin
ill turn the night to day...
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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im done with rearranging
every soul that comes my way...
Overall, my reaction is that of complete and total exposure, but hidden (duh)...
I just have to wonder
Why does it have to be hidden?
You never say....alas I digress, what the blank do I know?
Good poem, nice feel.
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Well, I really like it. There are quite a few grammar errors, but oh, well, doesn't matter. My favorite parts were lines eight and nine; the reason why I prefer those lines is probably, because they involve fire, rain, and spiders, lol, but anyway, it's a great poem; the rhyming is nice, too, and I liked your choice of vocabulary, especially the words shudder, swallows, and others in there that held the same mood. Good job!
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I suggest that you work on your style a bit sweetie.. Here's a sample of a breakup I would've used. (By no means think that means you have to do it. I'm just suggesting breaking it up a bit more)Also Correcting a few other things as well.
I stumble, shudder, look real quick
it's coming for me they say.
Black and White
in my last light
I b
r
e
a
k and fade -away-...
The midnight's growing faster
The twilight's frozen hair
if fire swallows all the rain
then spiders flit and tear...
in my minds eye I'm crashing
I'm burning with the flames
I'm done with rearranging
every soul that comes my way...
So in this spirit I will float
and float
and float I may
when dark shreds off my masking skin
I'll turn the night to day...
~*~*~*~*~
Other than that suggestion, you did really well. I liked it.
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I really love this. i know i always say that, but i always mean it. you just are so amazing!
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The Hidden
Im glad you like this one Bri, cause you inspired this one by telling me to be myself. the poem is about stripping off my mask and just letting what i want out. so thank you for the "pep talk" (^_^)
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