No words come to mind.
I can’t believe we’re not together.
I wanted to love you,
But I’ve been left behind.
My heart is heavy and I’m predicting some bad weather.
Show me your face,
I’m drifting out of place.
I remember good-bye and I’m trying not to die.
Yes, I’m trying not to die.
No one knows me somehow.
Bullets are flying and I’m lying down.
I feel I’ve gotten a taste of death,
Now I’m fighting for breath.
You took the inside of me, now I’m waiting to see if it was meant to be.
I’m just a tunnel,
Nothing in the middle,
But heavy traffic.
I feel my worried mind;
Thoughts so graphic.
I probably deserve it.
I deserve everything I get.
Just show me your face.
I’m drifting out of place.
I remember good-bye.
I’m trying not to die.
Please don’t let me die.
A contest entry
- come one come all lyrics wanted!!! by diabeticboy.
1050 points, ended April 15, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I will write you a song by katie-jo.
450 points, ended June 30, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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This is a really amazing piece, but I think it's a little too short. Add some more verses and chorus to it and then it would be a lot smoother.
Thank you for entering and all the best in the contest.
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Thank you for your beautifully heartfelt entry, good luck in my contest, Josie
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very good piece i enjoyed it much thnk you for entering and good luck in the contest
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very emotional and driven imaginative piece ...I thank you for entering my contest much love, Raneika
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this is exactly how I feel right now.
thanks.
xx Sin -
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You're welcome and thank you for commenting.
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EXcellent Poetry!!
There were only a couple of lines that ran on a little long but trim those and it's perfect! I'm proud of your accomplishmant. You put lines of rhyme at intervals that added to the flow of the poem. And used the free verse to fill in the blanks! Break the 4th paragraph into three lines and it would be a little better in line with your ryhme pattern.
"BOO"
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feelings of love are beginning to piss me off... ya know
This is a really good poem, its seems really similar to what I'm going through... sorta. I really like: "You took the inside of me, now I’m waiting to see if it was meant to be".... its similar to what I've decided to do... "If you love something, walk away and let it be. If it comes back to you its yours forever. If it doesn't it was never your to begin with." I doubt you deserve it... Really good write...
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Thank you for reading my work. I'm glad you could relate to it! I really appreciate your comments.
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